Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Christmas Eve 2008

It is Christmas Eve. The second without my dad. Funny because it almost seems like the first without him. Last year we were in such shock that I don't even know if we realized it was Christmas. There is an emptiness here. I mean it was always only 4 of us so now 3 is not a huge crowd for a Christmas dinner or festivities. But we will open presents and be glad that we are spending Christmas together. The older I get the less I enjoy Christmas. Maybe Ryan is right. Maybe I will start celebrating Chanukkah!

Saturday, November 29, 2008

One Year Without My Dad

To the left is the last picture of my dad. It was taken 2 days before Dad had surgery. It was the Sunday the week of Thanksgiving and since he would be in the hospital for Thanksgiving we had our meal that day. This is the most painful picture for me to look at. I have lots of pictures of him but this one hurts me. I guess because it is the last. I look at us and know that we have no idea what was in store. Ignorance is bliss. If you could know what the future has in store would you want to? I say no.

One year ago today we lost my dad. It is not as if we misplaced him. Lost sounds like we were careless and don't remember where we left him. It has been a goal to reach this one year milestone. It has been a hard earned path to this victory. Even now I sit and watch the Christmas movies that I watched last year. Tonight White Christmas is on. I remember that dad and I watched that movie last year. I am not going to watch it tonight. I am not sure I could. But I am taping it to the DVR to watch sometime in the next few weeks.

I know that the official date of dad's "loss" is Nov. 29, 2007 but I also know the real date he left us was Nov. 26. That day, for me, was harder than today. I found myself the entire day on the 25th reminding myself that one year ago was the last time I saw my father alive. I remember what I said or at least I try to. I remember that I just wanted to get him home out of that awful hospital where we could love him and care for him.

For a year I have carried with me the burden of lost moments. I was the one who kept insisting that we needed to let him rest. That although they let people in ICU now days we should keep our visits short so he could sleep and get strong and come home. I have punished myself over and over with the guilt of time. Why didn't I see it? Why didn't I realize that it was the last chance? I thought I was doing right. I thought I was helping him. For a year I have seen daily this precious time that I did not allow us to have with him. This was my fault. Mine alone. I thought we had time...but we did not.

I cry for the man my son has become this last year. The pain that he hides. The maturity he has gained. I cry the tears my dad would have cried. The pride he always had in him that only now would be intensified a thousand times with High School honors, his first semester of college and finally getting that drivers license.

I cry for my mom who has been to hell and half way back. The loss of her best friend, her protector, the love of her life. How hard it has been for her. She has taken great strides the past few months and is finally feeling the sun again even though she is still lost without dad.

I cry most for me. For the little girl I will always be inside but no longer outside. I cry for the love I have lost, the love that only a father can have for his little girl. I will never feel that love again. I will never feel that safe again. And I cry those tears of lost moments from a year ago when a little girl only wanted what was best for her daddy but wound up instead leaving him alone those precious last days that would lead to the end.

But we bravely head into the 2nd year without my dad. Wiser people than I have told me that the "year of firsts" is the hardest and that now it will still be hard but not in the same way the first year was. My son will grow even more confident and independent. My mother will learn to walk a little farther. And I will live with the personal guilt that I could have had more time with my dad..if only..but I will try to be kinder to myself about that, if I can.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

My son's birthday

Today is my son's 19th birthday. As I sat on the sofa at mom's I started to tear up. This was the exact spot my father sat 19 years and 1 day ago when he came home from work at midnight and I came in and told him I was in labor. This is where he sat and called out the time of my contractions so I would know when they were almost over. I miss my dad.
I had back labor the entire time and my mom and dad were there rubbing my back for hours. They were with me every second in the hospital. I could not ask for better parents.
I was 33 and unmarried when I was pregnant and they never passed judgement on me. I was not a kid, I had a job, but it still meant the world to me that they were not ashamed of me.
My father was over the moon with pride in my son. I know that he helped my son become the hard working, caring young man that he is. I know my dad is smiling down on us right now. But I really wish he were still here in person. I love you dad and I still need you.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Hospital reports and money fears

Well, last week Mom mom received the hospital reports from the lawyer and she and Pastor John sat down and went over them. That was nice of him to help her out. We were supposed to go to the lawyers office this week but that was cancelled and now we are meeting with them November 5th. I just pray that something can be done. I have not read the reports but understand that the hospital dropped the ball a couple of times regarding things that were supposed to be done but were not. I am not sure what will happen. I cannot even think what will happen to mom if nothing can be done. I won't go there. I realize that money would not bring my dad back to life but it would give my mother a life to live. She cries all the time. She is so afraid that she has no money. She is now living on $1,000 a month. Could YOU do that? This is 50% less than what was coming in when dad was alive. What do you tell her to do? Sell the house in this market? And what would she get? Surely not enough to start a new home even in a small apartment. We just have to believe that something can be done. It still hurts me to think about what happened and how something clearly could have been done to save my father's life. There were so many signs that something was wrong but no one cared enough.
So, that is where we stand now. I am looking forward to putting this all in the hands of someone and getting on with life. Grateful for prayers and for the comfort of friends.
It will be 11 months next week. Can that be true?

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Family Reunions Were Better Than Christmas To My Dad

It has been so long since I have sat down to write here. I am not sure what the reason is....
I need to get back to it.....hello to anyone who comes here to see what is going on....
I am copying to here an email I sent to my family about our reunion is a start...

Yesterday mom and I went to the reunion in Washington, MO. The weather was good, cloudy but not too hot or too cold, the food was plentiful and wonderful as always, the company was loving and welcoming... is how we happened to attend something that my mom has been saying for MONTHS she would not attend....

Mom was pretty adamant about NOT attending because she thought it would be too hard to go since the reunion was like Christmas to my dad. He talked about it all year long.....he loved his family more than anything and this was the chance to have most of them in one place....... .okay, I will admit I cried while typing that.
We go on......

I had asked mom earlier in the week again if she wanted to go and she said no. I told her that I thought we should go because of how much dad loved the reunion and she said she could not go.....I said mom, say you don't want to go...but not that you cannot go....because you can do anything you set your mind to! :o) She did not want to go.

Yesterday while "Internet talking" to Karla I told her I was going to call mom one more time and see if I could get her to go.....when I called mom she said that she had been thinking about going...that she woke up crying and thought she needed to be around people. Well, I thought, what better people than people who loved dad too!!

So off we went. I am so glad that she decided to go. Sure it was know how dad was organized and kept things rolling.. (a few times I found myself looking around for him when people would ask about the silent action...remember how he would climb up on the bench and yell how much time was left?)...but we had a good time!!
Special thanks to Aunt Peggy for the beautiful prayer which was the only time all day that I cried. After 10 months there are times when it is like it happened yesterday but other times when there is just a warm glow and I know that dad is still with me......

I am so grateful that last year there were so many of us at the reunion. That was so special and meant so much to dad. Little did we know......
but the memories are there forever!!!

Ricky Wright was there yesterday but I did not get to see him because he went home to rest. He has had such a hard year. Please keep him in your prayers. He has completed this round of chemo and goes in later this month to see if the tumor has shrunk. I am sure he is still grieving the loss of his sweet wife Teresa. Prayers to him!

Family means everything. So if there is a reunion in your future you should attend! It is always a blessing to stay connected to your roots.....and there is always good food!!
But I do have to tell one bids on a silent auction like Vernon Cooper's daughters!!! You guys were missed!!! :o) The bidding was extremely low and uninspiring without you...nothing says love like a few sisters trying to out bid each other!!
(Donna I love my new bracelet! I know Aunt Gloria would have been in heavy competition with me to get it so I literally stole it because she was not there to bump up the price!)

To my family....I love you. Thanks for loving my dad and thanks for not forgetting us in this hardest year of our lives!

My love always and forever,

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

I'm still here

Hey, I'm still here. Life has gotten in the way of my blog so it has been a while since I have had a minute to sit down and write. I don't even have that minute now but wanted to see if I still remembered where my blog is. Love to all. Will be updating soon.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Happy Father's Day

I sure miss my dad. The past few weeks the radio and TV are full of ads about telling your father how great he is and what to buy the perfect father. It has been hard. I sometimes need to just stop and take a deep breath and then go on.
I am sitting here now trying to remember what I did last Father's Day. What did I get my dad? Even now I sit here with tears down my cheeks still picturing him down the street, still sure that if I look out my window I will see him in the yard. I can still see him, still hear him. It is still breaking my heart.
I had the greatest dad in the world. He would do anything for me. I always thought that he would be here forever. I was wrong. Nothing has ever hurt this badly. I still ask why...why...did this happen.
Happy Father's Day dad. I will always love you. I will always miss you. I will always ask why.

Sunday, June 8, 2008

This Ain't The Love Boat & I Am Not Your Cruise Director

Okay, I have been feeling a little selfish lately. I seem to think it is all about me, well, isn't it? Should it be? Alright so it is not about me, but for a moment can we just let it bet this way?
Remember back in the 70's or 80's the show The Love Boat? There was Julie, the cruise director, who was in charge of all the activities so that everyone was entertained and kept busy with fun things to do so they did not get bored. Well folks, this is NOT the Love Boat, there is not a celebrity guest star in sight, and I am not your cruise director!
For the last six months I feel like I cannot find time for myself. Mom and the son are always eager to "do something" or "go somewhere" on the weekends when after a week of working all I want to do is SIT AT HOME and do NOTHING. I realize that everyone is still grieving about dad. And we all think about him all day long and there are days when we think we cannot possibly go on sitting in his house or being around the places that remind us the most of him. But there are seven days in a week and not everything needs to be done on the weekend, or most especially, things can be done without me. Don't get me wrong I am a party animal. I like to go to the movies and out to eat and to the mall but it does not have to be every single weekend.
Every Saturday I am asked, Are you going somewhere? Do you want to do something? Let's go somewhere/do something? Now that it is summer this is coming from two people who sit home Mon-Fri just waiting for the weekend to do something! Hello! People who do not work during the week should take advantage of going to the places when they are not crowded while everyone else is at work. I took a week's vacation and had ONE DAY when I did not have to haul son around. It is seven days a week non stop with the two of them. I love them most dearly, really I do. Youngster needs to learn to drive and mom needs to spread her wings.
I love you Dad and I really miss you, you were so good at this stuff I cannot even begin to fill your shoes. You were always ready to go, looking for an adventure. You spoiled us all.
To be perfectly honest the last week has been much better. Mom actually took the son to play rehearal one afternoon and she met people for lunch one day even driving to a place she was not sure how to get to! Plus she has lunch plans next week too! Sonny boy has been studying for his written drivers test to get a permit and then he will be well on his way.
Maybe soon my cruise director job will not be as demanding as it has been. But something tells me that I will still be the one in charge of the fun and games department. Should be fun when the guest stars show up! Has anyone seen Charo lately?

Monday, May 26, 2008


Last night I dreamt of my father. I don't know if I have done that before...this may be the first time in 6 months that I have. He did not speak to me or give me any advice, although I will admit that would have been wonderful. He was just THERE, ya know? He was very present. I could see him clearly. I could remember every line, every hair, every pore. I seemed to focus on his hand. Maybe because in the end I held his hand so much? I wanted to hold his hand forever. My dream was so real. It almost made me forget....but I did not....we are in the "twenty's" again aren't we?

Yesterday we had a party for my son's graduation. I am so proud of this boy. He is everything a person could ask for. The party was at our house and it was lovely. I had wanted to have it down at my mom & dad's because they have a large patio with a lot of room and because that way I would have felt that dad was there. But it rained so we had everyone to our house. We had a few friends and family and that is all you really need. It was a small and intimate open house. We so appreciated everyone taking the time to come by. It meant so much to both of us. The only thing missing was my dad. But he was there. I know it. Because he was still there for my dream.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Magna Cum Laude High School Grauate

Well my baby is a high school graduate! I am so very proud of him. We actually made it through the graduation ceremony without tears....okay maybe I had one or two...but it was not bad.
My dad would have been bursting his buttons with pride. I am sure he is in heaven telling everyone, "That is MY grandson".
My father drove this kid to school every day for 3 1/2 years and picked him up too. If not for gramps there would have been no school, or plays, or parties. Gramps never once complained about having to sit in a hot car in a parking lot for 3 hours waiting for a play rehearsal that was longer than what the schedule said it would be. He never lost his temper at last minute drives or late the night calls from a daughter who just did not have the energy to drive out to "who knows where" to pick up the kid. We are grateful for all the miles and minutes that gramps gave unselfishly to the cause. You are a huge part of who Ryan is today. Gramps, you did a great job...this kid is a good boy! Thank you. Thank you so much.

Friday, May 16, 2008

There Are Still Tears


Last night was the Baccalaureate Mass for my son's high school graduating class. It was a lovely ceremony. There were several times when parents and grandparents were mentioned. Sister said that she hoped the kids would remember the sacrifices that parents and grandparents made to send them to this school. She had all the parents and grandparents stand, etc.

After the service I saw my son in the lobby and someone asked him if he was okay and he started crying. He said it was all the talk about grandparents. It broke my heart. He hugged several people who comforted him. I know that it is really hard right now for all of us. Ryan tries to be grown up and he is. He is very mature and strong. But I have to remember that inside he is still a little boy who misses his gramps.

Saturday, May 3, 2008

These are hard weeks

I have been thinking about my dad a lot the past week. This has been a really hard week for me. My son won a big award at school. The highest honor they have. An award about academics and character. We are so proud of him. Mom and I cried. We cried because we love him and because Gramps would be so proud of his boy! I know dad would still be walking around with a glow of pride even now 5 days later.
In two short weeks it will be high school graduation. I wish dad were here for that too. I keep trying to figure out a proper graduation party or open house and I always cry. Dad would be setting up the world's largest bar-b-que and have every detail defined. He would be getting things ready today. See I am crying again. This is almost harder than any time between November and now.
When dad first died it was all shock and fog. Christmas was still shock but the world is kinder then so it was different. Right now is outright pain. The loss is so real and so present. I sometimes wonder how I will get through the next few weeks. I have cried every day for a week while sitting at work. It is just hitting me too hard right now.
I thank KK as always for being my support when I email her crying and talking about my loss. I could never have made it without her. She is in my heart and my thoughts every moment. I love you my savage cousin! Thanks for always holding me up!
Tonight we go to the theatre where my son will get a scholarship from the theatre group he loves the most. They are always there for him. And again tonight I will cry because Dad is not here to share this honor. I always thought when spring got here I would be stronger. Well, there is always the summer.

Friday, April 25, 2008

This is the way, Walk in it.

We are in the 20’s for the 5th time now. It has been five long months. It still hurts but now the ache is more dull. Not really easier to take just a little different now. I still miss dad every day of my life. I want so badly for him to be home. That part still hurts sharply. The weather is turning to be more “springy” and dad should be in the yard all day long. Planting and mowing and taking care of things. I really want to look out my window and see that. I still cry. The pain still hits me when I don’t expect it to. But it is five months now. We have survived for five months. Am I still going to be counting the 20’s five years from now?

I had started writing this yesterday before my mom called about the primary doctor calling to see if she had any questions about the autopsy....well we were doing good. Poor mom. She is trying so hard and had finally gotten to a point where every minute she did not see dad at the hospital...and then this brings it all back. But we will be strong.

A dear friend of mine just sent me an email with this Bible verse: “How gracious he will be when you cry for help . . . Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, ‘This is the way, walk in it.’” (Isaiah 30:19, 21) This is what we must remember. To follow the path. To trust that God will hold us and lead us.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

DePaul Hospital kills people and then tries to cover it up

Mom just called me crying. Said the doctor called her that he finally got dad's papers (I guess autopsy) Said there was nothing in there about a tear in his heart or anything. I KNEW those bastards were up to something. I KNEW that the only reason that murdering doctor worked so long & hard on Dad and took him to ER after he died was just to FIX his "mistake". I am furious. I just pray that the lawyers can fight for what really happened!! You cannot kill someone and then fix it to cover up what you did....You just cannot be able to do that. Please God make that not happen. It has always been suspicious that they did the autopsy right away when the nurses had told us it would be days before they could get a team together. They did it to cover up their mistake. They denied us the right to donate dad's tissues because they ignored our wishes just so they could hurry up and cover up all the things that they neglected. I will not let them get away with this. DePaul Hospital in St. Louis, Mo MURDERS people and then tries to cover it up. Bottom line. I pray to God for the strength to take them down and tarnish their reputation.
They can not kill my father and get away with it. They just can't.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

You Got A Friend

Today it is cold and cloudy. The grass is getting greener and there are buds on the trees. There are some flowers brave enough to be open but where is the sunshine and warmth? I think the warmth is within you. The happiness is within you. You make your own sunshine. You find your own joy.
........Last night I was lucky enough to spend the evening with some warm and loving people. I went to trivia at church. Okay, maybe not everyone's idea of fun. But we had fun. Honest. The best thing was that I got to spend time with friends. Yes, friends. I know I was on here whining not that long ago about losing two of my friends when I lost my dad. But last night I saw in a new light two different friends. I got the blessing of reconnecting with a dear old friend who I rarely get a chance to see. And having fun with a new friend who I love dearly as well. They opened my eyes and my heart to what I have been missing for months. The need to feel a connection with someone who you care about who cares about you. I spend so much time and energy trying to be all together and brave and secure in my life, I forgot how nice it is to just laugh. How healing it is to have friends.
........My friends M & K (okay I hate to use people's names because it just seems like they should have some say in if their names should be sent out into the great unknown net) are the most amazing people I know. They are kind and smart and funny. I had such a good time. I can't remember the last time I had fun.
........Last night made me realize how much I miss my old friend M ( I know I am not using her name but if there is anyone out there who knows me and cannot figure this one out shame on you!) How much fun we used to have as kids. We were young and naive but we had fun. Now we are older but we can still have the same fun. It showed me how much I miss spending time with her and I truly hope that in the future we can get together much more often. I have missed you M more than I even thought I could! I know you are always my friend and will be forever and you would be here in a second if I needed you...but it is so nice to spend time with you just because it is fun and I love to be with you. I sure hope we can do better than seeing each other 2 times a year!
........My friend K is new to my life. But I instantly loved her when I got to know her. The more I know her the more I love her. She has all the qualities and kindness of M. She is also funny and smart and caring with a good heart and I was really so happy that she could make it last night! I guess you are never too old to make a good friend. (Hugs to you Bean!)
.........These two woman shared with me sadness from their lives and in turn helped me to know that I am not alone in my journey of over coming heart break. They are brave and caring and everything I dream to become.
........So today it may be cold and cloudy outside, but in my heart the sun is shining and the flowers are blooming because I have friends. Good friends. Maybe God just knows there comes a time for you to stop trying to do it alone ....There comes a time......when you need a friend.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Laughter is like music

My mother is still on her trip to the Grand Canyon and parts around there. She has called me at least twice a day since she has been gone. Sure, it is a pain in the neck. I keep telling her she is on vacation and needs to stop calling here. That falls on deaf ears and she keeps calling. But tonight it was different. She was laughing! It was nice. Laughter. Real laughter not the fake I am trying to convince people that I am okay laughter. I think this trip with her friend Sharon has been a blessing and a healing of the soul. They are already talking about future trips. Sharon is an angel.
Friends can heal you. Old dear friends can heal you and make you laugh again. Special thank you to my dear friend Mary who called me today and made me remember why I love her so much just by being herself.
Laughter is the best medicine but you need to have a dear friend to be the doctor who dishes this medicine out!

Friday, April 4, 2008

No small parts only small actors

It is so hard to see someone you love in pain. It is even harder when that someone is your child.

My son has carried around a lot of pain the past several months. First his dog died after 13 years, he never really remembered life without Sheriff since he got him when he was 4 years old. Sheriff was his best friend. Then we lost Gramps, this loss was devestating to my son. The only father figure in his life. Gramps was Ryan's number one fan. It was truly the most horrible loss. It has been so hard on him and he was just coming to some kind of terms with it and thinking of the next major life change of graduating from High School and now another blow. He got accepted at the college he wants to attend but not the program he had his heart set on. He got the news yesterday. It was so heart wrenching to see the pain. There was nothing I could do but reassure him that we have been through worse than this. I understand that this is like another punch in the gut to the kid. I know that things happen for a reason but sometimes it is so hard to figure out what that reason can possibly be. To have a dream and to believe it will come true only to have it turn it's back on you is so hard. Especially when you are a child who is trying to become a man.

So I will hug him and tell him that it will all be okay. I really believe that it will and somewhere down the line he will be grateful for what seems to be a set back at this time. This is where my dad was so good at bear hugs and making you feel better. It is just so unfair for this kid to have to deal with heart ache again. He is such a good boy. But he is strong and he will bounce back. Bouncing back is good; it is just hitting the ground before the bounce that hurts.

My darling son, Do not ever stop dreaming. It is what makes life beautiful. The world would be an awful place without the dreamers. You can do anything you set your mind to. The world is a blank canvas just waiting for you to pick up the brush and start your work of art. You are amazing. I am so proud of you and can't wait to watch your continuing journey to becoming a man. So keep dreaming and when life knocks you down-bounce!

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Friends and Friendships

Mom arrived safely in Salt Lake City today to spend time with a childhood friend. This will be good for her. A breather away from a house haunted with the memory of my father. Maybe "haunted" is not the correct word, that implies something scary. It is in fact NOT scary. But the truth of it is that he IS there everywhere. I can see him in the yard, in the car, in every room of the house. Tonight I climbed into his closet and cried while I hugged his clothes. I just wanted to feel him hug me. I wanted to smell him on his clothes. I wanted to surround myself with him. I buried my face in his jackets and cried while I held them all around me. I wanted to open my eyes and see him there wondering what I was doing in his closet. Well, I seem to be going off into another direction when I really wanted to talk about friendship.

I often feel like I have no one. I have recently pondered about how alone I really am. Mom has a friend who comes over every single night to sit with her and watch TV for a while. That is so nice for mom to know that every night she will have a friend visit. And now mom is spending time with a friend from her childhood. They have kept in touch all these years even miles apart. They have both suffered losses recently so they can understand the sorrow and the need for courage. They can lean on each other and hold each other up. Her friend said come out and see me and stay for as long as you want. That friendship is something wonderful that has lasted a long, long time. I too have friends from my childhood. Mary in particular I know would be here for me in a second if I needed her. I am grateful to her and I know that she is in my heart and I am in hers. She is a beautifully spiritual person and my good friend. She is a sister to me.

But Dad's death brought with it some sad, bewildering revelations about friends and friendships. I have not wanted to address it at all, but in realizing how alone I am I figured I might as well put it out there. I have two friends I have known for over 20 -30 years who I thought would have my back forever, but they have been missing from my life totally for four months. No calls, no contact. Nothing at all since dad went in the hospital. Oh sure, there was the sympathy card from both and a two minute phone call from one, but other than that there has been nothing. I am confused, saddened, hurt by this. These were what I thought were my two best friends. Friends I shopped with, had lunch with, thought I would grow old with. I know there must be reasons for this lack of contact but I do not know what they are. I used to cry about it, but now I simply accept it for what it is. I will not call them though. It hurts me too much. I know that makes me as bad as them, but I cannot help it. How can you not be there when someone's world is falling apart? I thought that was what friends were all about. That is why I feel so alone. The two people I put all my faith in have not been here for me.

On the positive side some people have shown themselves to be more than friends. They have reached out to catch me. There are friends at work who are there to hug me and to sit with me when I cry. They make my life bearable. They are more than work-mates, they are real true friends and I hope I do not take them for granted. I have reconnected with an old, lost friend who called me and emailed me several times a day just to be sure I was okay. It is nice to reconnect with someone after such a long time. And of course I have my beloved KK who is my rock. She was by my side in an instant when I needed her. She made me strong. I know that she loves me and I carry her with me every moment of my life. I will always love you my savage cousin! Thank you so much for the uncountable kindnesses that you have bestowed on me. I can never repay you. And I do have another best friend. My son. I know that there are some who say that you should not be your child's friend, but who are these people anyway!? My son IS my best friend.

So, maybe after thinking this over I really am not as alone as I thought I was. But I still sometimes feel all alone more times than I want to even admit and it is really a sad, lonely feeling. A feeling that makes you want to crawl into a closet and hug some clothes.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Hard moments

I have had some hard moments the past few days. I have been missing my dad a lot. But then look at the date, we are in the 20's again. Maybe that is it. The other day driving down the street coming home from work it hit me and then again when I was writing on my calendar some upcoming dates for my son (Prom, graduation). God, I miss my dad. It is getting to be spring and I fully expect to see my dad out working in the yard. He loved to work in the yard, to cut grass and plant things. He was always puttering around. So I expect to see him out in the fresh air working or walking with his best friend and the dog. There are moments when it is just too much for me. Sometimes it hurts so much it is like someone hit me in the stomach. It is hard to breathe. I want to be able to hear his voice, to see him out my window. To just know he is there.
I feel so cheated. So heartbroken. So lost. Why did this happen? I know it is unfair of me to ask why, but I sometimes have to ask it. I know I am no more special than others who have suffered a life shattering blow. So I suppose I ask for all of us who are lost and heartbroken. Why?

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Pay us $7,000 By Tomorrow....& a Trip for Mom

I have not written anything in a while. Sometimes I just want it all to go away. I think a lot of the time I pretend it did not happen. I am not sure. I form things in my head that I want to write down for me here, but then I either don't feel like turning on the computer or I just don't want to read sadness again. But here are some updates.....
Last week, the night of March 10 or 11, a collection agency called mom and told her she had to give them $7,000 by the next day. She was reeling with that one. Dad had a credit card in his name only, and even though mom has religiously paid it, they closed the account and turned it over to a collection agency without her knowledge. She called the lawyer who told her since she is not on the account it is not her bill. Tell the collection agency to sue the estate and stop calling her. So she did. Funny thing is a day or two later the credit card company sent her a letter that there had been fraudulent use of the card in Texas on March 10. Something very strange is going on there. Collection agencies feeding on the fears of grieving widows by threatening them is the saddest thing I have heard in a while. Thankfully mom had the sense to call and see what to do. But how many others are out there with no one to ask what to do who just get bullied?
Mom is also going to go to Utah to visit a friend. That should be very good for her and the friend! She and Sharon have been friends since they were kids. Sharon recently lost both her husband and her dear brother. So she and mom can cry and then go off and try to have some fun. I am sure they will succeed with both. It is a blessing to have friends. It is especially a blessing to have friends who are there for you no matter what, through thick and thin. Friends who know that you need something before you do, who will be there even when you do not call. Those are true angels.

Sunday, March 2, 2008

Tired Sunday

I have not left a message on here in a while. I am just tired. Things are about the same with everyone. Mom is still deep in grief. Son is very busy with school and plays. Me, I am just trying to hold it all together still. I sometimes feel I am juggling the world which may account for me being so tired all the time. The weight of the world is very heavy. I have grown quite weary of winter and look forward for it to be done with. Today is warm but cloudy and tomorrow brings rain and sleet ending in snow. Where is spring? Maybe sunshine and flowers will brighten my mood? I hope so. I feel dreary and frozen like winter. But it is the weekend so I am going back to bed. Maybe hibernation is not such a bad idea!

Thursday, February 21, 2008

The Lottery Ticket

My dad used to buy scratch off tickets and lottery tickets. He did it regularly. I have had a lottery ticket on my shelf since December. It had been in my dad's wallet and I put it on my shelf to check it to see if it was a winner. I finally took it off the shelf to check it the other night. It of course brought me to tears. As I held the little pink slip of paper in my hand, I looked at the date November 21, and there they came, the tears. I could not stop. I just kept crying as I looked at that date. The day after dad's surgery. A day my dad was still alive. I held the pink paper and ran my finger over the date as I pictured my dad buying this ticket. How he put it in his wallet to check it later. How he had no idea that he would never get the chance. I could see him so clearly in my mind. I could see his face. I could see the way he would stand. I could hear his voice. All from running my finger over that lottery ticket I had him back with me. Sometimes you buy a chance at a dream by buying a lottery ticket. You buy the dream because you just never know, you may be a big winner. I guess everything is a chance. You just never know.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

The 20's

You know how they called them the "roaring" 20's? Well that is what we are in now. For the 3rd time. The 20's. The awful days from the 20th-29th. See, dad had surgery Nov. 20. Then "it" happened Nov.26 and the "official" end was Nov. 29. Did I mention this before? The first time or the second time? I do not remember. I do not purposely look for the 20's but I somehow can't help but notice them when they are here. This will be the 3rd time. Hopefully the charm. LOL. I laugh to keep from crying.
Good things tho. Mr H had successful surgery at the dreadful hospital of hell. He should be home Friday. We are grateful for this. Mom went to church Sunday for the first time. We are grateful to the loving, compassionate people at church who are always there to hold you up and give a hug. There was a lunar eclipse tonight. It was pretty. The moon was so large and bright tonight. It was lovely. I know it is not really relevant to anything but my name means goddess of the moon. Forgive me I had to find something lighthearted since this blog always seems to send me to tears.Afterall we are in the 20's and need to find something magical to hang on to.

Saturday, February 16, 2008

They paved paradise

My mother seems to cry all the time. It does not matter where or when or who is there. She asked me the other day if I ever cry. Of course I do. But I cry alone. This is the only place anyone ever sees any of my emotions. Here on this blog where I can sit all alone and let my emotions and tears and fears and sadness have full reign. I don't even care if anyone ever reads this, it is just here for me. My time here is my time to let it all out there instead of keeping it all locked up inside. Sometimes I feel I will explode from the weight of it all.
You know how the sadness just hits you out of the blue sometimes. The other morning on the way to work I was singing with the radio, you know the old Joni Mitcell song about they paved paradise and put up a parking lot? I was singing away and then it hit me and I started to cry over the words, "Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got till it's gone?"
I fully knew all my life what I had but still it hurts now that it's gone. My entire life I have dreaded the very thought of losing my father and it is so much harder than my nightmare ever let me fear it would be. It is so very hard. And so I cried. But I also remembered with gladness that every day dad was in the hospital we were there. We kissed him goodbye the day before he was going to come home. We went home thinking that it would all be just fine. We were so anxious for him to get home where we could take care of him. You see I get to this part of the story and it still makes me sick. This is where it all stops for me, when I get to this place. My son cried and cried when everything happened. He said that he had not talked to gramps the night before. That gramps did not know he loved him. How to you comfort your child? I told him the truth. The night before he was there. He sat there with gramps watching TV. He kissed him goodbye. How many 18 year old boys kiss their grandfathers goodbye? Not many. I don't think it helped to ease his pain very much. These are the things that hurt. I know my son's pain is buried deep inside him. He is so much like me. I am sure there are nights and days when it is hard for him still. I pray for peace for him and for all of us. Life is precious. The ones you love are precious. Appreciate them. Because, don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got till it's gone?

Sunday, February 10, 2008

A normal day

Yesterday mom and I went out for lunch and just running around. She did not cry or whine the entire time! Okay, this was a big deal for me. Lately I have been the world's worst daughter. I know my mother is grieving but the grief was getting to be too much. It was like quicksand dragging me down somewhere I was trying to save myself from. The sadness is so over powering that it made it difficult for me to want to even talk to her on the phone much less spend any time with that grief and sorrow. We are all trying to find our way in this time of hurt. My son and I try to face the world with a brave face and tell ourselves it will be okay. For the most part my mother seems like a prisoner to the pain. It can be crushing to those of us trying to live the way my father did. To celebrate life. But yesterday was a good day. It was a normal day. Mom starts grief counceling next week and I think it will help her. I am grateful to any day that is just normal. Any day we can remember dad and smile. Any day we can face the world the way he did, with joy and excitement. Any day we can celebrate life.

Thursday, February 7, 2008

One minute on a sad night

Tonight is one of those nights when I just can't sleep. A blanket of sadness comes over me and I can't rest. Sometimes I wish for one minute when someone would hold me and I did not have to be strong or brave. I could just let go. Really sad thing is the only one who could ever do that for me was my dad.
Somehow when he would hug me all the walls would come down and I could be a scared little girl in her dad's arms knowing I was safe and that everything would be ok. I have built up so many walls over the years to keep from getting hurt. I have the strong wall, the mean wall, the bad *ss wall. Too many walls to count, just to keep the pain out. The death of your father does not know what a wall is. Walls don't stop that kind of pain. I wish they did.
Tonight I cry for my loss. I cry when I think of the last time I saw my dad in that horrible hospital in that bed. I had no idea it would be my last time to see him. He was coming home the next day. It is still too much to handle. Even now. I cry to think of the days when he was on the machine and we knew that he really wasn't there. Those days were hard. Nightmare hard. I cry just because I am scared and lonely and I miss him. I cry because during the day I have to be brave and strong but at night in my bed I do not. I cry because I wish for one minute I did not have to be strong or brave ever. Maybe even thirty seconds would be nice.

Thursday, January 31, 2008

To Good Health

Boy, I have been sick for over a month. I have been especially sick the past two weeks. It has been so bad. I have been in bed since Monday afternoon, finally last night I was able to get up for a little while. Today I had a follow up at the doctor and finally have actually been out of bed all day. I have been in so much pain. The fact that the nurse "quacktioner" last week told me it might be the big "C" word was not a high spot for me either. Today the real doctor told me he thought it had been a bladder infection and that I was in so much pain because of inflamation. I am just grateful that the antibiotics finally kicked in and made me start to feel more human. It has been a long, long time since I have done anything as simple as sit in a chair without crying because it hurt so much. So anyday that you can wake up and not feel pain you should rejoice! I have so much more compassion for those who are ill after suffering for a month. I thank God that I am feeling better and pray that those who are seriously ill can get relief from whatever pain they may be feeling. It is miserable to not be able to get out of bed or to eat. Celebrate your health!! Thanks to those who showed genuine concern for me. I love you! Good health to you!

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Theatre Family

Last night my son and I went to the Hawthorne Players 2007 Season Awards Banquet. It was very nice. Ryan has done plays with many theatre groups but this one is his favorite. There are so many good people. The show that won best show of the season was Spoon River Anthology. Four actors played 64 parts. It was such a beautiful show. Ryan played 19 different characters and was so very proud of how this show turned out. It was the last show that Gramps saw him in.
At the beginning of the awards presentation Ray Shea, president of the group, said a few words about people with the group who had died and was kind enough to mention dad and how moving dad's memorial service was. I bit my lip hard to keep from crying. Such a lovely thing to include dad in the evening. Everyone knows how proud Gramps was of Ryan. He never missed a performance. He enjoyed helping out when needed with sets and ushering and just watching as a proud grandfather. I will never forget the first night of this show when looking at the program seeing that Ryan dedicated this performance to his biggest fans Grams, Gramps and I my father just sat there and cried. He was so proud. And so it meant so much to us for Ray to say a few kind words about dad on a night celebrating theatre.
Ray was so special during the time with dad. Once I emailed him about it and told him Ryan needed some emotional support he sent the word out to Ryan's theatre family. It astounds me to this day how much love was showered on my son and I. It was true heart felt love without any limits. There were emails and so much support, many attended the memorial service. Even now I tear up to think about how kind these people are. Last night we got many hugs and people telling us how happy there were to see us. It was heartwarming and comforting, it was like coming home.

Friday, January 25, 2008

Phone calls & memories

Mom has been so brave lately, but she has also been falling apart. She can't seem to shake the image of dad dying. She was there. He looked at her, said I am dying then literally died in her arms. It is a nightmare that she cannot get out of her head. I don't know what to do to ease her horrible memories. There is only so much I can do from work. I tell her to get out of the house because his memory is everywhere. Maybe when it is warmer it will be easier for her to get out. I wish she had some friends she could call and hang out with during the day.
Phone calls are a life line to her. I must thank everyone who calls her. You have no idea how much those calls mean to her. They keep her grounded. Even when you only call to say hi it can make such a huge impact on her day. Those few moments can help her get through a bad morning. They give her something to focus on. A few minutes of contact with someone who cares when her world seems to be spinning out of control.
So thank you from the bottom of my heart for those precious calls. I have been meaning to thank you for a long time and have never found the time. Today was a bad day for mom, I hope you were able to give her a call. Special thanks to the angels-you know who you are!

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Tuesday just Tuesday

I know it is not all about me but to start, I went to the doctor today because I have not been feeling very good since the day we were supposed to see the lawyer in December and I got so sick. Saw nurse practitioner today, urine tests were all wonky so I have to take pills for 7 days and go back in 10 days for another test. She said it could be nothing, something not too serious, all the way up to bladder cancer! Now why would you tell someone that? She got my attention for sure. I will take all my pills and make follow up visit but still, odd to me that you would tell someone that right off the bat. She asked me if I was okay and said that one time she told a patient that and that for 10 days that is all the patient could think about. Well, do ya think!?!? That is like telling someone to go for a drive in the car saying, Now you may wind up in a beautiful location, you may have a flat tire, or you may crash. Now have fun! Come back in 10 days~
Yesterday mom met with the lawyer. She liked him. I was sick so did not go. (Thanks Mrs H for once again spreading those angel wings and helping out. I love you being in our family and surrounding us with your love. We could not do this without you. Hope Mr H will be well soon.) Lawyer agrees something went wrong. He said it might take a while to settle but we do not care we want to pursue it no matter what. This should never happen to anyone else. There has to be responsibility and accountability and the patient has to be treated as an individual not as separate body parts. So right now he will wait to get all the medical records. That could take up to a month. We still have not heard a word about autopsy so at least we will have an answer on that when lawyer gets the records! Somehow makes it a little easier knowing that the first step has been taken, that someone feels the same way we do.
Guess that is about it for right now. Mom is doing little things that amaze me. It all takes time but she is trying new things every day and making little changes and I am proud of her. Thanks for reading~ take care.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Missing my dad

I miss my dad. I even said it out loud tonight when I drove my son to his play rehearsal. It was hard to say it out loud, to hear the actual words. But man oh man I miss him so much. I miss him to the furthest part of my very soul. I close my eyes and I see him. I hear him calling me telling me that he will pick my son up from play rehearsal. I can hear him even without my special "happy birthday" voice mail message. I don't need that voice mail to hear my dad, I can hear him so clearly all the time. Sometimes it all hurts worse now than I thought it would. People keep saying it will take time, that it will get better, but they are liars. Someone had told me that there would be days when it was better and then days when is was worse then before....yep that person told me the truth. Odd how some days are so much harder than others and for no real reason either. I guess tonight it is just because dad always either tag teamed with me on rehearsals where I would drop off and he would pick up, or he just did all the driving. My dad adored my son so much. He was so proud of him. I know that my son is suffering so much now too, but he is trying to be the man of the family. It is hard for him. He is such a good boy. I always thanked God for such a good boy but now, even more, I am grateful that I have such a caring, honorable, loving young man to call my son. I think he got all of that from his Gramps.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Feeling blah

I have been sick since Saturday. Saturday was the worst. I really thought I was going to go insane from feeling so bad. Today is Monday. I stayed home from work because I still feel rotten and not fully me from not eating. I do feel better, certainly better than Saturday. Wow that was a bad day. I seriously gave thought to going to the hosptial but I really don't want to go there. I don't have to explain that one. When you feel bad physically the whole world is just off. It is dark and dreary and you cannot even remember ever feeling well. Nothing sounds good; not chocolate or cake or even Disney. I guess it is like depression of the soul only it is depression of the body. I am not going to put my feeling bad on dad or depression. I just want to feel better because this stinks.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

My dad wishes me a pleasant day every day

I have a secret. My dad talks to me every day. No really. He wishes me happy birthday and tells me to have a pleasant day. Now Mrs. H before you call the loony bin to take me away, I guess I should explain that dad talks to me from my voice mail at work.
On my birthday 5 years ago or so, dad left me a message and I never erased it.
So now, when I want to hear him I play it. He says, "Hello Cindy, and a happy birthday to you. I hope you have a pleasant day." Now isn't that about the coolest thing?!? Well, it is to me!! Depending on the day it can make me smile or make me cry. It is my secret message from my dad just to me. So I am sending this wish to you that you have a pleasant day today and every day.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Money can't buy happiness?

Whoever said money can't buy happiness just does not know how to spend their money! I say travel with that money, or go to a nice dinner, or better yet pay your bills!! That can bring more than happiness, it can bring security. This is where we sit right now. Looking for security. My mom is scared about how she is supposed to pay her bills. And who can blame her. She will be getting $1,500 a month LESS than when dad was alive! That is a huge amount of money. The difference between paying your bills and selling your house. But even with selling the house you would have to live somewhere. It is a nightmare. What are we going to do? I am at a loss as to what to do about this one. God knows my job does not pay me enough to pay my bills let alone mom's. I would always go to mom and dad to help bail me out so I am afraid as well. This one has me shaking. All we can do is pray. This is the time dad would tell us not to worry, that everything is going to be okay. Maybe if we are really quiet we will hear him tell us this now.

Saturday, January 5, 2008


2008. What can I say? It is a new year.
I went back to work Jan. 2 it has gone better than I thought. There are people there who are kind. Dad worked there for 10 years so a lot of folks knew him. It has been comforting to get hugs and kind words there. I am grateful. I do feel sorry for the poor unsuspecting that come in my office and tell me they are sorry and ask if dad had been sick. They are then trapped like deer in the headlights as I tell them the story of how the hospital, in essence, killed my father. I will try not to do that so much in the future but I want people to know the true story and not think that dad was sick or gave up or anything. He was ready to come home.

Mom has been trying so hard to put one foot in front of the other. She has bad days but Thursday she went to the grocery store and Friday to the post office. These are huge steps for her to take. My dad did EVERYTHING for all of us. He went to the grocery store every day. Sometimes twice a day. So for mom to go, and to use her brand new debit card, took a lot of courage on her part. I cannot make light of something that is so far out of her comfort level. Me going to the store or movies or work alone is something I have been doing for years. But I think I remember how scary it was when I first had to do it. First lived on my own. But after a while you get a handle on it. It is such an enormous effort to just try. She could be hiding in bed all day, although I assure you I would never allow that to happen, but she gets up and tries to go on. As do we all. Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is get out of bed.