Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Happy Birthday Daddy

Once upon a time my dad was a Park Ranger. His nick name was Smokey. It fit him. He was a big old cuddly teddy bear. He was grumpy on the outside and a cream puff on the inside. When I was scared or sad a hug from my dad would make my world feel safe and secure. I have said it before but life without him is like freefalling without a net. It is sad. It is scary. It is no fun.

Today is my Dad's birthday. If he were still here he would be 79 years old today. He has been gone 3.5 years now. In some ways it feels like it has only been days. In other ways it feels like he is not gone. Some days I still think I will look out the door and see him cutting grass. Some days I have to remind myself that he is not here. It is still hard. I thought that by now I would be used to the new normal of a life without my dad but that has not happened yet. It is so hard.

You know how people take someone out for dinner for their birthday? Well my dad used to take a bunch of people out and pay for THEIR dinners on HIS birthday. He was that kind of a guy. He was great. He was my hero........
Happy Birthday Dad. I love you.
I am Smokey's daughter and I am still heartbroken.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Finally Waking Up?

When last I posted we were getting ready for my mom to go to the lawyer's office to give her deposition about the day those murdering incompetents killed my father....I mean she was about to give a deposition about the day my dad was mistakenly murdered but then brought back to go on life support.....no I mean she was going in to give a deposition about the day my father died. Well you get the idea.
My mother has lived for three and a half years with this imagine always in front of her. It does not matter if her eyes are open or closed, she lives this moment over and over again. Like the movie Groundhog Day. It is the same thing every single day. But there is never any lesson learned. Never an improvement the next day. The outcome is always the same and it is terrifying and heartbreaking.

After giving her deposition I think that maybe she can finally let it go a little bit. I know she did not want to forget anything when it came time to tell her story. But 3+ years is far too long to relive this moment. It has put her in a Sleeping Beauty like state where she has been stuck in 2007 even though the world has moved on.
Finally now she seems to be waking up. Seems to be noticing things for the very first time that I have been telling her for YEARS! Things that needed her attention but she was in suspended animation and unable to realize what was happening. It is as if she has been sleep walking through life these past years.

Now she can let the movie in her head slip away a little bit. Now she can take care of business that always needed taking care of but she was unable to see. At least I hope that is happening.

There are still more dark moments than light ones. But every now and then..I actually SEE my mother in there...in the predawn hours, just starting to wake up.