Friday, April 25, 2008

This is the way, Walk in it.

We are in the 20’s for the 5th time now. It has been five long months. It still hurts but now the ache is more dull. Not really easier to take just a little different now. I still miss dad every day of my life. I want so badly for him to be home. That part still hurts sharply. The weather is turning to be more “springy” and dad should be in the yard all day long. Planting and mowing and taking care of things. I really want to look out my window and see that. I still cry. The pain still hits me when I don’t expect it to. But it is five months now. We have survived for five months. Am I still going to be counting the 20’s five years from now?

I had started writing this yesterday before my mom called about the primary doctor calling to see if she had any questions about the autopsy....well we were doing good. Poor mom. She is trying so hard and had finally gotten to a point where every minute she did not see dad at the hospital...and then this brings it all back. But we will be strong.

A dear friend of mine just sent me an email with this Bible verse: “How gracious he will be when you cry for help . . . Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, ‘This is the way, walk in it.’” (Isaiah 30:19, 21) This is what we must remember. To follow the path. To trust that God will hold us and lead us.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

DePaul Hospital kills people and then tries to cover it up

Mom just called me crying. Said the doctor called her that he finally got dad's papers (I guess autopsy) Said there was nothing in there about a tear in his heart or anything. I KNEW those bastards were up to something. I KNEW that the only reason that murdering doctor worked so long & hard on Dad and took him to ER after he died was just to FIX his "mistake". I am furious. I just pray that the lawyers can fight for what really happened!! You cannot kill someone and then fix it to cover up what you did....You just cannot be able to do that. Please God make that not happen. It has always been suspicious that they did the autopsy right away when the nurses had told us it would be days before they could get a team together. They did it to cover up their mistake. They denied us the right to donate dad's tissues because they ignored our wishes just so they could hurry up and cover up all the things that they neglected. I will not let them get away with this. DePaul Hospital in St. Louis, Mo MURDERS people and then tries to cover it up. Bottom line. I pray to God for the strength to take them down and tarnish their reputation.
They can not kill my father and get away with it. They just can't.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

You Got A Friend

Today it is cold and cloudy. The grass is getting greener and there are buds on the trees. There are some flowers brave enough to be open but where is the sunshine and warmth? I think the warmth is within you. The happiness is within you. You make your own sunshine. You find your own joy.
........Last night I was lucky enough to spend the evening with some warm and loving people. I went to trivia at church. Okay, maybe not everyone's idea of fun. But we had fun. Honest. The best thing was that I got to spend time with friends. Yes, friends. I know I was on here whining not that long ago about losing two of my friends when I lost my dad. But last night I saw in a new light two different friends. I got the blessing of reconnecting with a dear old friend who I rarely get a chance to see. And having fun with a new friend who I love dearly as well. They opened my eyes and my heart to what I have been missing for months. The need to feel a connection with someone who you care about who cares about you. I spend so much time and energy trying to be all together and brave and secure in my life, I forgot how nice it is to just laugh. How healing it is to have friends.
........My friends M & K (okay I hate to use people's names because it just seems like they should have some say in if their names should be sent out into the great unknown net) are the most amazing people I know. They are kind and smart and funny. I had such a good time. I can't remember the last time I had fun.
........Last night made me realize how much I miss my old friend M ( I know I am not using her name but if there is anyone out there who knows me and cannot figure this one out shame on you!) How much fun we used to have as kids. We were young and naive but we had fun. Now we are older but we can still have the same fun. It showed me how much I miss spending time with her and I truly hope that in the future we can get together much more often. I have missed you M more than I even thought I could! I know you are always my friend and will be forever and you would be here in a second if I needed you...but it is so nice to spend time with you just because it is fun and I love to be with you. I sure hope we can do better than seeing each other 2 times a year!
........My friend K is new to my life. But I instantly loved her when I got to know her. The more I know her the more I love her. She has all the qualities and kindness of M. She is also funny and smart and caring with a good heart and I was really so happy that she could make it last night! I guess you are never too old to make a good friend. (Hugs to you Bean!)
.........These two woman shared with me sadness from their lives and in turn helped me to know that I am not alone in my journey of over coming heart break. They are brave and caring and everything I dream to become.
........So today it may be cold and cloudy outside, but in my heart the sun is shining and the flowers are blooming because I have friends. Good friends. Maybe God just knows there comes a time for you to stop trying to do it alone ....There comes a time......when you need a friend.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Laughter is like music

My mother is still on her trip to the Grand Canyon and parts around there. She has called me at least twice a day since she has been gone. Sure, it is a pain in the neck. I keep telling her she is on vacation and needs to stop calling here. That falls on deaf ears and she keeps calling. But tonight it was different. She was laughing! It was nice. Laughter. Real laughter not the fake I am trying to convince people that I am okay laughter. I think this trip with her friend Sharon has been a blessing and a healing of the soul. They are already talking about future trips. Sharon is an angel.
Friends can heal you. Old dear friends can heal you and make you laugh again. Special thank you to my dear friend Mary who called me today and made me remember why I love her so much just by being herself.
Laughter is the best medicine but you need to have a dear friend to be the doctor who dishes this medicine out!

Friday, April 4, 2008

No small parts only small actors

It is so hard to see someone you love in pain. It is even harder when that someone is your child.

My son has carried around a lot of pain the past several months. First his dog died after 13 years, he never really remembered life without Sheriff since he got him when he was 4 years old. Sheriff was his best friend. Then we lost Gramps, this loss was devestating to my son. The only father figure in his life. Gramps was Ryan's number one fan. It was truly the most horrible loss. It has been so hard on him and he was just coming to some kind of terms with it and thinking of the next major life change of graduating from High School and now another blow. He got accepted at the college he wants to attend but not the program he had his heart set on. He got the news yesterday. It was so heart wrenching to see the pain. There was nothing I could do but reassure him that we have been through worse than this. I understand that this is like another punch in the gut to the kid. I know that things happen for a reason but sometimes it is so hard to figure out what that reason can possibly be. To have a dream and to believe it will come true only to have it turn it's back on you is so hard. Especially when you are a child who is trying to become a man.

So I will hug him and tell him that it will all be okay. I really believe that it will and somewhere down the line he will be grateful for what seems to be a set back at this time. This is where my dad was so good at bear hugs and making you feel better. It is just so unfair for this kid to have to deal with heart ache again. He is such a good boy. But he is strong and he will bounce back. Bouncing back is good; it is just hitting the ground before the bounce that hurts.

My darling son, Do not ever stop dreaming. It is what makes life beautiful. The world would be an awful place without the dreamers. You can do anything you set your mind to. The world is a blank canvas just waiting for you to pick up the brush and start your work of art. You are amazing. I am so proud of you and can't wait to watch your continuing journey to becoming a man. So keep dreaming and when life knocks you down-bounce!

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Friends and Friendships

Mom arrived safely in Salt Lake City today to spend time with a childhood friend. This will be good for her. A breather away from a house haunted with the memory of my father. Maybe "haunted" is not the correct word, that implies something scary. It is in fact NOT scary. But the truth of it is that he IS there everywhere. I can see him in the yard, in the car, in every room of the house. Tonight I climbed into his closet and cried while I hugged his clothes. I just wanted to feel him hug me. I wanted to smell him on his clothes. I wanted to surround myself with him. I buried my face in his jackets and cried while I held them all around me. I wanted to open my eyes and see him there wondering what I was doing in his closet. Well, I seem to be going off into another direction when I really wanted to talk about friendship.

I often feel like I have no one. I have recently pondered about how alone I really am. Mom has a friend who comes over every single night to sit with her and watch TV for a while. That is so nice for mom to know that every night she will have a friend visit. And now mom is spending time with a friend from her childhood. They have kept in touch all these years even miles apart. They have both suffered losses recently so they can understand the sorrow and the need for courage. They can lean on each other and hold each other up. Her friend said come out and see me and stay for as long as you want. That friendship is something wonderful that has lasted a long, long time. I too have friends from my childhood. Mary in particular I know would be here for me in a second if I needed her. I am grateful to her and I know that she is in my heart and I am in hers. She is a beautifully spiritual person and my good friend. She is a sister to me.

But Dad's death brought with it some sad, bewildering revelations about friends and friendships. I have not wanted to address it at all, but in realizing how alone I am I figured I might as well put it out there. I have two friends I have known for over 20 -30 years who I thought would have my back forever, but they have been missing from my life totally for four months. No calls, no contact. Nothing at all since dad went in the hospital. Oh sure, there was the sympathy card from both and a two minute phone call from one, but other than that there has been nothing. I am confused, saddened, hurt by this. These were what I thought were my two best friends. Friends I shopped with, had lunch with, thought I would grow old with. I know there must be reasons for this lack of contact but I do not know what they are. I used to cry about it, but now I simply accept it for what it is. I will not call them though. It hurts me too much. I know that makes me as bad as them, but I cannot help it. How can you not be there when someone's world is falling apart? I thought that was what friends were all about. That is why I feel so alone. The two people I put all my faith in have not been here for me.

On the positive side some people have shown themselves to be more than friends. They have reached out to catch me. There are friends at work who are there to hug me and to sit with me when I cry. They make my life bearable. They are more than work-mates, they are real true friends and I hope I do not take them for granted. I have reconnected with an old, lost friend who called me and emailed me several times a day just to be sure I was okay. It is nice to reconnect with someone after such a long time. And of course I have my beloved KK who is my rock. She was by my side in an instant when I needed her. She made me strong. I know that she loves me and I carry her with me every moment of my life. I will always love you my savage cousin! Thank you so much for the uncountable kindnesses that you have bestowed on me. I can never repay you. And I do have another best friend. My son. I know that there are some who say that you should not be your child's friend, but who are these people anyway!? My son IS my best friend.

So, maybe after thinking this over I really am not as alone as I thought I was. But I still sometimes feel all alone more times than I want to even admit and it is really a sad, lonely feeling. A feeling that makes you want to crawl into a closet and hug some clothes.