Saturday, February 16, 2008

They paved paradise

My mother seems to cry all the time. It does not matter where or when or who is there. She asked me the other day if I ever cry. Of course I do. But I cry alone. This is the only place anyone ever sees any of my emotions. Here on this blog where I can sit all alone and let my emotions and tears and fears and sadness have full reign. I don't even care if anyone ever reads this, it is just here for me. My time here is my time to let it all out there instead of keeping it all locked up inside. Sometimes I feel I will explode from the weight of it all.
You know how the sadness just hits you out of the blue sometimes. The other morning on the way to work I was singing with the radio, you know the old Joni Mitcell song about they paved paradise and put up a parking lot? I was singing away and then it hit me and I started to cry over the words, "Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got till it's gone?"
I fully knew all my life what I had but still it hurts now that it's gone. My entire life I have dreaded the very thought of losing my father and it is so much harder than my nightmare ever let me fear it would be. It is so very hard. And so I cried. But I also remembered with gladness that every day dad was in the hospital we were there. We kissed him goodbye the day before he was going to come home. We went home thinking that it would all be just fine. We were so anxious for him to get home where we could take care of him. You see I get to this part of the story and it still makes me sick. This is where it all stops for me, when I get to this place. My son cried and cried when everything happened. He said that he had not talked to gramps the night before. That gramps did not know he loved him. How to you comfort your child? I told him the truth. The night before he was there. He sat there with gramps watching TV. He kissed him goodbye. How many 18 year old boys kiss their grandfathers goodbye? Not many. I don't think it helped to ease his pain very much. These are the things that hurt. I know my son's pain is buried deep inside him. He is so much like me. I am sure there are nights and days when it is hard for him still. I pray for peace for him and for all of us. Life is precious. The ones you love are precious. Appreciate them. Because, don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got till it's gone?

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