Friday, December 30, 2011

Christmas 2011 - That's a wrap.

Tonight is Dec 30 and I am taking down the Christmas decorations. We usually wait until New Year's day but well...I am ready to take them down and start anew. Son was working all the time this Christmas holiday. Between full time school, 2 part time jobs, 2 side gigs, and play rehearsal, I barely saw the kid. He even made more money than I did this month and I have a full time job. This is just proof that I am being taken advantage of where I work!!! Also reason for him being so tired.
It was a nice, quite Christmas. We did not exchange presents because there was no money, but that just made me realize how overboard people go with the holiday. The reason for the season is not about presents but until you stop with the presents you don't believe that.
So the Christmas decorations are going back in their boxes and bags. The magic is over one more time.
Hope it was a merry one for you. God bless us every one!

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Have a Holly Jolly Christmas

♪♫♪♫It's the most wonderful time of the year ♫♪♫♪ Merry Christmas. I hope this finds you well. It has been a nice holiday season here. The weather has been unexpectedly nice. Warmer than last year which was a real stinker of ice and snow and cold. I was off work today as an extra day off work gave us. Some say it is because some staff have to work New Year's Day. Who knows. It could be because there is nothing in the building because of construction. It could be because they took 2 years worth of furlough days from us. I have no idea. I am not going to question it. I am just enjoying it!!
So with the extra day off and our holiday tomorrow and Monday and the day after New Years I will only be working 1 day next week. Which means I am off 10 of the next 11 days. I will not feel like going back to work after that I am afraid.

This year we have decided to not give presents. I feel bad when someone gives me a gift and I have nothing to give them back. But I have no money. I keep waiting for it all to turn around for me but so far we are still heading in the same direction. I still cry when I go to the grocery store. I still freak out when I try to pay bills. I spend some time one step ahead of having something shut off. I try not to let it get to me. But it is hard. I will not lie that I feel pangs of jealousy when people talk about taking trips or buying $135 boots for Christmas and I know that I will sit in my house and not have a thing to give my son or my mother. But in other ways it only shows me how obscene the gift giving can get. Do you monitor your love by how much you spend on someone? It almost seems that way to me. The 3 of us will have a nice meal and that will be that. Really what more do you need than to be together?

I still worry about my mother. This coming year she will either get money from her law suit or she will have to leave her house. Her money is almost gone. I am not sure what she is thinking. I tried to have her move in here and that did not happen but soon she will not have a choice. She will not have the money to stay in her house. I pray every day that she gets the closure she deserves from this lawsuit. She does not need to get rich. She just needs to have the money to live her simple life without fear. And to win the law suit would give her the greatest vindication that my father's death was needless and preventable. But all in all she is doing so much better than she has in the past.

Dear son has been so busy that I rarely see him. He is working all the time. It seems like he walks in the door and crawls into bed only to wake up and go all over again in a few short hours. He is exhausted but doing well. Working 2 jobs, full time college student, shooting a scene in a film, working a holiday party, rehearsing a musical. You could say he was a LITTLE busy. I am always so proud of him. It is a blessing that he understands the money and no presents thing. He grew up with mountains of gifts and yearly trips to Walt Disney World. I wonder what he really must be thinking. Bless his heart. He is a good guy.

Me? I have been working and coming home. Same old thing. Not exciting but okay I think.

Please let me take this time to wish you a joyous holiday season celebrating whatever holiday  you enjoy. This is the time of year when families gather and love is shared. May you feel the love surround you and may everything you put out into the universe come back to you in abundance. ♥ And are forever in our thoughts.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

The Dark Days part 4

Four years ago I was going to a hospital to see my dad hooked up to machines. Lying there. There but not there. Gone but not gone. My dad but not my dad. God how did we ever make it through those days? I think most of that time was spent in shock. Shock and horror. Life changes in the blink of an eye.

Now, four years later, I no longer really feel the "20s" which were the days of the month that I relived everything. The 20's are just days of the month now. But I won't lie, Thanksgiving is still really hard. The last holiday we celebrated. The last meal we had as a family was the Sunday we celebrated Thanksgiving because dad would be in the hospital on the actual day. Thanksgiving 4 years ago was the last good day my dad had. He ate a good meal and walked all over the ICU. He was great that day. And that was the last day he was his old self. The next day he was in pain and then 3 days later, on the day he was to come home, they killed him. He spent 4 days on machines until Nov 29.

Sometimes I just need to get it out. I need to hash it all again. This is the week that makes the most sense. The rest of the year I try to honor my dad by living the best life I can. I wonder if he would be happy with how we are? I know he would be so proud of his grandson! He would be sad to see how we are all suffering financially. That would be hard for him to handle. He would be proud of my mom bravely taking steps every day. Hanging on the best she can. 

On this fourth anniversary of the end, my mind is like a movie where you have the flash back scene. Like in a Christmas Carol where Scrooge is standing in the room in the past and no one sees him. I am like that. Standing in the rooms. No one sees me but I am there. Seeing it all again. But it is time now to put it all away. Pack it away way in the back of my mind. I always think if I have enough good pictures in my memory the bad ones will just fade away.

So dad. I love you. And I can see you on your lawn mower where you were always happy. This is the picture I will carry with me.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Happy Birthday to Me

Today is my birthday. I have never been one of those people who makes a big deal about their birthday. There are some people who celebrate for a week or a month. That is not me. I can't really explain it but mostly my birthday makes me a little sad. Just like Christmas. Not sure what is wrong with me. I have been feeling melancholy lately. It could be the pressure at work, the lack of money. Maybe it is everything. It has been a hard few months, years for me.
But I am truly blessed to have lovely people in my life. My friends I have never met on Facebook, my real friends & family sent me good wishes on line. My neighbor brought me flowers and cupcakes, my son gave me a gift I had mentioned the other day that I wanted and pumpkin pie! Plus I went to lunch with my best friend and my mom. It was a good day.

 I need to shake this listless melancholy. It is not pretty or fun. I need to know that I have many friends and kind people in my life. Thanks to my friends who help me get through the day even if they don't realize all that they do for me.. And to Mary who has always been my best friend and has the grace of an  angel. 

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Sometimes I Am Like My Dad

I was just in the kitchen at work making myself a glass of iced tea. I like it weak. You know a little tea, a lot of water. Someone walked in the kitchen and saw me putting water in my tea and said "Oh no, you drink tea just like your dad!" Well, this made me smile. Yep I drink my iced tea just like my dad! It was nice that someone thought of him today. Here's too you dad, and our weak tea! Cheers!

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Age is Just a Number So Laugh!

I was sitting here today thinking that in a few short weeks I will be 55 years old. OUCH even to type it seems like there is some mistake. That number is so high. I honestly feel about 18 years old, in my head anyway not so much the old body. I can still vividly see Mary and I walking to the store or to a boy's house. Well, things WERE simpler back then.

I remember my dad's 55th birthday. I typed that number again and still think it is a mistake. Dad had a big bbq on his birthday. It was in our backyard. We had family and friends over. I think he wore his dirty bird shirt the one that looks like a seagull flew over him and his shirt dirty. He loved that shirt. He wore it everywhere. I will admit it was a little funny to see people's faces when he would walk into a store somewhere with that shirt on. Embarrassing but funny that pretty much was my dad. 

For my birthday, of that certain number, I will most likely do nothing. Where dad would always invite people over for dinner or take them out for his birthday I have no bbq pit & patio for fine outdoor parties, plus it is not the middle of summer. I have no money to take people out for dinner. I have no money to take myself out for dinner. Oh I am not complaining again about lack of money. That one needs no explanation. I am simply saying that while in some ways I am my father's daughter there are many ways that we are different.

I close my eyes and see my dad at 55 wearing that silly shirt,laughing. I see myself at 55 and I am not. Maybe I should fix that. Maybe I should go out and buy myself some embarrassing shirt. If I lived on a beach I could stand there and see if the seagulls have a good aim!! I bet my dad would get a kick out of that! 

So lighten up old girl. Life is what you make it so you should make it something that you can laugh at and smile. Don't take things so seriously. Age is just a number and if the memory of your dad standing in the backyard laughing on his 55th birthday makes you smile then you can make it too!

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Happy Birthday Daddy

Once upon a time my dad was a Park Ranger. His nick name was Smokey. It fit him. He was a big old cuddly teddy bear. He was grumpy on the outside and a cream puff on the inside. When I was scared or sad a hug from my dad would make my world feel safe and secure. I have said it before but life without him is like freefalling without a net. It is sad. It is scary. It is no fun.

Today is my Dad's birthday. If he were still here he would be 79 years old today. He has been gone 3.5 years now. In some ways it feels like it has only been days. In other ways it feels like he is not gone. Some days I still think I will look out the door and see him cutting grass. Some days I have to remind myself that he is not here. It is still hard. I thought that by now I would be used to the new normal of a life without my dad but that has not happened yet. It is so hard.

You know how people take someone out for dinner for their birthday? Well my dad used to take a bunch of people out and pay for THEIR dinners on HIS birthday. He was that kind of a guy. He was great. He was my hero........
Happy Birthday Dad. I love you.
I am Smokey's daughter and I am still heartbroken.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Finally Waking Up?

When last I posted we were getting ready for my mom to go to the lawyer's office to give her deposition about the day those murdering incompetents killed my father....I mean she was about to give a deposition about the day my dad was mistakenly murdered but then brought back to go on life I mean she was going in to give a deposition about the day my father died. Well you get the idea.
My mother has lived for three and a half years with this imagine always in front of her. It does not matter if her eyes are open or closed, she lives this moment over and over again. Like the movie Groundhog Day. It is the same thing every single day. But there is never any lesson learned. Never an improvement the next day. The outcome is always the same and it is terrifying and heartbreaking.

After giving her deposition I think that maybe she can finally let it go a little bit. I know she did not want to forget anything when it came time to tell her story. But 3+ years is far too long to relive this moment. It has put her in a Sleeping Beauty like state where she has been stuck in 2007 even though the world has moved on.
Finally now she seems to be waking up. Seems to be noticing things for the very first time that I have been telling her for YEARS! Things that needed her attention but she was in suspended animation and unable to realize what was happening. It is as if she has been sleep walking through life these past years.

Now she can let the movie in her head slip away a little bit. Now she can take care of business that always needed taking care of but she was unable to see. At least I hope that is happening.

There are still more dark moments than light ones. But every now and then..I actually SEE my mother in the predawn hours, just starting to wake up.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011


Well, mom just got a letter from the lawyer that she is to be in his office next Wednesday to give a deposition. Could we finally be moving on this? My mom is so fragile at this moment. I pray that they do not try to mix her up or make her say something that she should not. But that should not be a worry. She has relived my dad's death for the last 3+ years. She should recall every horrible moment as if it is happening right before her. Because for her, it still is.
I humbly request prayers for all of us, but most importantly for mom.
Dad? Could you please send us your strength? I would appreciate that so much.
I am going home to make a sock puppet....just in case it is needed too.

Friday, April 15, 2011

From a Distance

I think one of the things that makes me so frustrated with my mom is that she does not appreciate the joyous gift of health that she is lucky enough to have. She can walk, and see, and hear, and drive. How many are out there who would give a day of their lives to be able to do any of these things much less ALL of them? My mom chooses to sit on a sofa and watch TV. All day. Every day. Every night. Always. And that is all.

I know she figures that she is healthy enough to live on her own. But really, is sitting there vegetating in front of a TV really living? I suppose I could say the same about my hours at a computer. But at least I am attempting to communicate with the world. Not just numb my mind and weaken my body. I am so aggravated with her total lack of

She is wasting away. She is wasting a life. So I am going to have to distance myself from her. It is for the best. She will get what she wants, to sit. And I can try to save my sanity and that of my dear son. I will let her sit but I will no longer let myself get pulled into her negativity.

I have tried for 3 years. I have tried to take care of her. To help her. To guide her. But she wants none of it. She is stubborn and prefers to sit and I guess wait to either lose her house or to die or for the next TV show or ball game to start. My beloved son the other night told me that he is the unhappiest he has been in his whole life except for when my dad died. How is that possible? How can the negative invade another life? I think it is easy. Because it is happening with us.

She is HEALTHY that is the kicker. If she were sick or out of her mind I could accept the sitting and not wanting to be a part of the world.I wish she tried. I wish she went out. My father was busy all the time. He was always in the middle of one project or another. Constantly in motion. Mom is the opposite of that. Anti motion. If mom gardened or read a book it would be great. But she sits. Perfectly content to let another beautiful day come and go without being part of it. Her mind and body are fine. She chooses not to use either. Watching TV makes her happy so who am I to tell her she should be embracing life? She should be living? And so even though I still care more than she will ever understand. I am going to be doing it....from a distance. So I do not have to cry when I see her lose one more day.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

I Feel Better Since I've Given Up Hope

Sometimes you just can no longer fight the fight and you give up. That is how I am feeling today after dealing with my mom. I am defeated. Everything I ever try to do is wrong. You can only hear it for 50+ years before you finally just say ok and give it up. I once had a pin that said “I feel much better since I’ve given up hope” funny how I think of that now. If I find that button I think I am going to wear it. Somehow things do seem a little sunnier since I have given up.

My dad died 3 years 4 months and 14 days ago. It has been hard, very hard. If you have lost a loved one suddenly you understand. Even if your loss was not sudden you understand. My father did literally everything for my mom. She wanted for nothing. It was all handed to her. If she wanted to go somewhere they went. Eat something they ate. Buy something it was bought. She only had to think about it and it happened. Unfortunately my father who provided so well in life did not have the papers in place in death that he thought. He was supposed to have a policy that would give mom a check every month for the rest of her life. It would have kept her monthly income at what it was when dad was here. But somehow it was not set up that way. Instead of monthly security she got a very small lump sum of money. That money has dwindled the past 3 year until it is nearly gone. In an effort to keep my mom in the house she shared with dad she needed to come up with something.

I have a friend C, he is at a tough place in his life. C’s mom passed away last summer after many years of illness. He took care of her for most of his adult life. It was the only life he knew. Now that his mom is gone he is living in the middle of nowhere which is where she wanted to be. In this age of rising gas prices and, well, everything going up, it was hard for him to stay there. He needed to get somewhere closer to civilization and find a job. Eventually he would like to move to Florida (well, who doesn’t want to do that?) so he was looking for somewhere to live for a few months. The solution presented itself that he would rent mom’s house and mom would move in with dear son and I for four months. That will give C time to get it together and mom four months of not taking preciously shrinking money out of the bank to pay house payment and some bills. This has been the plan since December.

All was well…until yesterday. Mom came home Sunday from visit with friend in another city. To say that friend has some influences in what mom thinks would not be a lie. I will not elaborate but I just think that sometimes it is not a good idea to let your thoughts come from someone else’s opinion. So mom comes home with ideas that the lawyers don’t know what they are doing and that she is not moving in with me. Things just spiraled out of control from there. Mind you C has no idea that mom is thinking about pulling the house out from under him as he has not been in touch with me in over 2 weeks, although he has given us money for April and moved in some of this things. He has never spent the night in the house or even spent more than a few minutes there.

Yesterday mom goes home. Sits there all day crying and saying she wants to die and watching TV. She enjoys watching TV. She watches it all the time. I tried to get her to use a computer, go on FB, make friends all over the world. But she cannot figure that out. TV, that she can figure out. It might be good for her if she cooked or shopped or took a walk. She could go to the library, a movie, work in the yard. Sitting watching the TV is a lot like fading away.

I know she is lost. I know it sucks. I am trying to help. I know I cannot. If I could bring dad back I would. If I could be a better daughter I would. I wonder if maybe if I was on TV mom would understand. So today I give up. I have decided to star in my own show, I think God may have a starring role. I think I shall call this show "Giving it Up to God" It might be a big hit. I hope it runs for years!

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Stressed is Just Desserts Spelled Backwards

Hello world. Have a nice day....yeah sure. BLAH!
I have decided that it quite possibly may be the stress that keeps me standing. If I were ever to actually relax I would probably fall on the ground. What do people do when they have others to help them? What is it like to have someone take care of you? Is it wonderful? Is it horrible?

Is it even possible??

My mother is moving in with son and I. She has known this for months. I have been taking boxes to her telling her that all she needs to do is fill one small copy paper box with stuff each day. ONE BOX a day. She has weeks to do this. WEEKS. Last week she headed off to Salt Lake City to visit a friend. I took a week's vacation to move her stuff to my house and get her room all settled. Did she pack stuff up?? Do you think she did? She had weeks afterall. And only needed to pack one small box a day. Of course NOT. She did not pack even a sock. NOTHING. So who does this exhausting task fall to? Yep the Queen of Stress. It is so frustrating. I am so tired of taking care of everyone. I know I am pouty but hey what about ME?? Oh sigh.

Days of vacation wasted in packing up boxes and moving furniture. Aching backs and sheer exhaustion. Plus she is not selling the house or anything. Simply staying with me for a few months while a friend rents her house out furnished. If I started screaming it would not be pretty.

Yesterday I get in her car only to notice that she needed an oil change in OCTOBER!!

What?!?! Seriously? Who has to find the time by taking another day off to take care of this?? Oh yeah, ME!

Dear son was a huge help the week of my vacation. He moved heavy boxes and furniture. Did a lot of cleaning and clearing but, he is young and cannot keep this good behavior up forever. He has now reverted to the " I only have time for my own stuff" young man that we know and love. That is fine. He should not have to be the one to take care of everything.

I am sorry. I just need a minute.Everytime I come on here it seems it is just to complain about how life is unfair to me. It is all about me afterall. Yeah sure. Pass me some desserts before I relax and fall down!!

Monday, March 14, 2011

Mom is Moving On, Then Back, Then In

Mom will be moving on as in out of the house to Utah for a visit. Back here when she is finished traveling and then in moving in...with me...and dear son. God help us all. In a little over a week my mom will be headed to Utah to visit with a friend. Friend wants mom to stay for 2 months. Mom does not know how long she will stay. I am hoping for at least a month. Now don't think bad of me because I am joyfully awaiting my mother heading out of town. But for 3 years now I have worried about her constantly. For the time she is in Utah with her friend I will be FREE!! Someone else can worry about her for a few weeks. I am beyond giddy with the anticipation of this knowledge. If I don't hear from her I need not worry that she has fallen and cannot get up. I will not have to feel guilty if I do not want to go out over the weekend and take her somewhere. I will not worry like I do when she takes the car somewhere and does not leave me a message. She will be out having FUN with her friend. They will laugh and visit and live. It is good for her. Sure, it is good for me and the son, but it is good for mom too. This is what I wanted her to do all along. Take trips and have fun. When she comes back to town she will not be going back to the house she has shared with my dad since I was in the second grade. Instead she will move in with us. It is time. It is past time. In order to have any money to live on she has to move in with us or risk losing everything. While she is in Utah, son and I will move some of her things to our house and turn my room into a room for her complete with lavendar comforter since she likes purple. It will be a time of much adjustment for all of us. A friend will be renting out her place for a few months to help her save money and decide if she can finally give up the house. It is time. Time to move on, time to move in. Time to stock my house with a secret stash of lots of chocolate ♥