If Money Grew on Trees

I do not believe that money is the root of all evil.  Lack of money is. I sometimes wonder if people who make tons of money know what it is like to have nothing? Do people really understand what it means to spend millions of dollars on a house or $40,000 on a watch? I got my W2 form today. Due to furlough days and lack of raises I made $4,000 less than I did around 4 years ago. No wonder I am suffering financially. To say I was living paycheck to paycheck would be a compliment to my paycheck. My paycheck is shrinking but my bills are not. I cannot pay my monthly bills. I have no money for groceries. My knee has been giving me a lot of trouble the past several weeks but when I got my paycheck yesterday and paid what I could of my bills this morning I have no money to go to the doctor. Sure I have insurance, which I pay 25% more for than I did  few years ago, but what good is insurance if you cannot pay the co-pay and deductible?

I remember a time when I could go to the grocery store whenever I wanted to. I could browse the aisles and bring home anything I desired. I could try new things. I could make lovely meals. Now, well truth be told I rarely make a decent meal. The days of meatloaf and mashed potatoes and veggies happens so rarely that I cannot even remember how many times we ate that last year.

I am grateful for what I have. There are many who are worse off than I am. But it is hard to be in this downward spiral and not feel scared as to what the future holds. Dear son will graduate from college in May and will soon set out on his own. Right now I am depending on him to pay some of the bills. He is such a kind and generous soul. He always says take whatever you need and does not question. I feel so small when I take money from him. I am his mother. It is my responsibility to take care of him. I have told him since before birth that I will take care of him until he is grown and then it is his turn to take care of me. I just think that I should be doing the taking care of for a year or two more. He should not be taking care of me just yet.

But I will lift up my head and my heart and move on. Somehow things will work out. I only have 7 more car payments so that is something. I am praying hard that maybe this year I will get a raise. Fingers crossed on that one. I have been working so hard and have been given numerous new tasks which I have readily taken on and not seen a penny for, but I am hopeful that just maybe someone will notice. For now I will dry my eyes. Take a deep breath and look toward the future hoping it is bright. And if a tree happens to start sprouting money in my yard I will nurture it like Mother Nature would.

Happy 2012?

Today is the first day of the year 2012. For whatever reason I am sad. I woke up this morning just fine. It is windy and cold but the sun is shining and I have the day off work. The Christmas tree is down, the decorations are boxed up. The Son and I have ideas of things we want to do around the house. It was a good morning. The Son had to get up early to go to work and even then I was fine. But some how I got to checking the Internet to write down the date of Son's graduation from college. And there they came....the tears. I know I don't appear to be, to the outside world and those who do not read this blog, someone who ever cries or cares. But I cry a lot.  I get so tired and bogged down with the appearance that everything is fine that sometimes I feel like I am drowning so here I sit at a keyboard where in the private anonymity I can pour out my heart and cry. But you knew that.

Today is just one of those days. I guess I have the blues again. Even the holiday movies that are still on are making me depressed. Stop showing me how people fall in love in 2 hours Hallmark Movies!! I have not had a date in years, my son's girlfriend broke up with him and is in a new relationship after only 3 weeks that is splashed in all its glory across Facebook, which seems to hurt my feelings way more than my son's but he is a fine actor so I worry about that too.

My mother calls me and my mood is always shot to heck with that one. It is not so much what she says as in how she says it. It is always so full of acid and attitude. I don't know why she can't just talk instead of preach and reprimand. If she could just not be hateful to me life would be so good. Again and again I have to apologize for anything I say that is unflattering about her. I love her. I know she is still going through hell. I know she is lonely. But every single thing I try to do to help her she throws in my face. I hope no one she  knows reads this but I have a sneaking suspicion that some do. She has told me before that people tell her I say hateful things about her on the Internet and once my aunt told her that she would like to ask her over for Easter but she couldn't because she did not want me in her house. Nice family love, thank you so much......but today my purpose is not in defending myself as a daughter or I will certainly just feel worse.

I need to pull it together. I need to stop sitting here crying to a computer screen. There are boxes to put away. There is a kitchen to clean. Tomorrow is my last day off from this Christmas vacation I have taken so I need to wash some clothes. I need to get out of this mood. This is only the first day of the year and already it has to get better?? Maybe this is better than starting on a good point and having it all go down hill? This is the 5th New Year's Day without my dad. That has not gotten better. Or easier. But I have to believe that this weill be a good year. This will be the year that things turn around. Happiness and good health and love and well being. The year when things are good. ♥

Christmas 2011 - That's a wrap.

Tonight is Dec 30 and I am taking down the Christmas decorations. We usually wait until New Year's day but well...I am ready to take them down and start anew. Son was working all the time this Christmas holiday. Between full time school, 2 part time jobs, 2 side gigs, and play rehearsal, I barely saw the kid. He even made more money than I did this month and I have a full time job. This is just proof that I am being taken advantage of where I work!!! Also reason for him being so tired.

It was a nice, quite Christmas. We did not exchange presents because there was no money, but that just made me realize how overboard people go with the holiday. The reason for the season is not about presents but until you stop with the presents you don't believe that.

So the Christmas decorations are going back in their boxes and bags. The magic is over one more time.

Hope it was a merry one for you. God bless us every one!

Have a Holly Jolly Christmas

♪♫♪♫It's the most wonderful time of the year ♫♪♫♪ Merry Christmas. I hope this finds you well. It has been a nice holiday season here. The weather has been unexpectedly nice. Warmer than last year which was a real stinker of ice and snow and cold. I was off work today as an extra day off work gave us. Some say it is because some staff have to work New Year's Day. Who knows. It could be because there is nothing in the building because of construction. It could be because they took 2 years worth of furlough days from us. I have no idea. I am not going to question it. I am just enjoying it!!

So with the extra day off and our holiday tomorrow and Monday and the day after New Years I will only be working 1 day next week. Which means I am off 10 of the next 11 days. I will not feel like going back to work after that I am afraid.

This year we have decided to not give presents. I feel bad when someone gives me a gift and I have nothing to give them back. But I have no money. I keep waiting for it all to turn around for me but so far we are still heading in the same direction. I still cry when I go to the grocery store. I still freak out when I try to pay bills. I spend some time one step ahead of having something shut off. I try not to let it get to me. But it is hard. I will not lie that I feel pangs of jealousy when people talk about taking trips or buying $135 boots for Christmas and I know that I will sit in my house and not have a thing to give my son or my mother. But in other ways it only shows me how obscene the gift giving can get. Do you monitor your love by how much you spend on someone? It almost seems that way to me. The 3 of us will have a nice meal and that will be that. Really what more do you need than to be together?

I still worry about my mother. This coming year she will either get money from her law suit or she will have to leave her house. Her money is almost gone. I am not sure what she is thinking. I tried to have her move in here and that did not happen but soon she will not have a choice. She will not have the money to stay in her house. I pray every day that she gets the closure she deserves from this lawsuit. She does not need to get rich. She just needs to have the money to live her simple life without fear. And to win the law suit would give her the greatest vindication that my father's death was needless and preventable. But all in all she is doing so much better than she has in the past.

Dear son has been so busy that I rarely see him. He is working all the time. It seems like he walks in the door and crawls into bed only to wake up and go all over again in a few short hours. He is exhausted but doing well. Working 2 jobs, full time college student, shooting a scene in a film, working a holiday party, rehearsing a musical. You could say he was a LITTLE busy. I am always so proud of him. It is a blessing that he understands the money and no presents thing. He grew up with mountains of gifts and yearly trips to Walt Disney World. I wonder what he really must be thinking. Bless his heart. He is a good guy.

Me? I have been working and coming home. Same old thing. Not exciting but okay I think.

Please let me take this time to wish you a joyous holiday season celebrating whatever holiday  you enjoy. This is the time of year when families gather and love is shared. May you feel the love surround you and may everything you put out into the universe come back to you in abundance. ♥ And dad...you are forever in our thoughts.

The Dark Days part 4

Four years ago I was going to a hospital to see my dad hooked up to machines. Lying there. There but not there. Gone but not gone. My dad but not my dad. God how did we ever make it through those days? I think most of that time was spent in shock. Shock and horror. Life changes in the blink of an eye.

Now, four years later, I no longer really feel the "20s" which were the days of the month that I relived everything. The 20's are just days of the month now. But I won't lie, Thanksgiving is still really hard. The last holiday we celebrated. The last meal we had as a family was the Sunday we celebrated Thanksgiving because dad would be in the hospital on the actual day. Thanksgiving 4 years ago was the last good day my dad had. He ate a good meal and walked all over the ICU. He was great that day. And that was the last day he was his old self. The next day he was in pain and then 3 days later, on the day he was to come home, they killed him. He spent 4 days on machines until Nov 29.

Sometimes I just need to get it out. I need to hash it all again. This is the week that makes the most sense. The rest of the year I try to honor my dad by living the best life I can. I wonder if he would be happy with how we are? I know he would be so proud of his grandson! He would be sad to see how we are all suffering financially. That would be hard for him to handle. He would be proud of my mom bravely taking steps every day. Hanging on the best she can. 

On this fourth anniversary of the end, my mind is like a movie where you have the flash back scene. Like in a Christmas Carol where Scrooge is standing in the room in the past and no one sees him. I am like that. Standing in the rooms. No one sees me but I am there. Seeing it all again. But it is time now to put it all away. Pack it away way in the back of my mind. I always think if I have enough good pictures in my memory the bad ones will just fade away.

So dad. I love you. And I can see you on your lawn mower where you were always happy. This is the picture I will carry with me.

Happy Birthday to Me

Today is my birthday. I have never been one of those people who makes a big deal about their birthday. There are some people who celebrate for a week or a month. That is not me. I can't really explain it but mostly my birthday makes me a little sad. Just like Christmas. Not sure what is wrong with me. I have been feeling melancholy lately. It could be the pressure at work, the lack of money. Maybe it is everything. It has been a hard few months, years for me.

But I am truly blessed to have lovely people in my life. My friends I have never met on Facebook, my real friends & family sent me good wishes on line. My neighbor brought me flowers and cupcakes, my son gave me a gift I had mentioned the other day that I wanted and pumpkin pie! Plus I went to lunch with my best friend and my mom. It was a good day.

 I need to shake this listless melancholy. It is not pretty or fun. I need to know that I have many friends and kind people in my life. Thanks to my friends who help me get through the day even if they don't realize all that they do for me.. And to Mary who has always been my best friend and has the grace of an  angel. 

Sometimes I Am Like My Dad

I was just in the kitchen at work making myself a glass of iced tea. I like it weak. You know a little tea, a lot of water. Someone walked in the kitchen and saw me putting water in my tea and said "Oh no, you drink tea just like your dad!" Well, this made me smile. Yep I drink my iced tea just like my dad! It was nice that someone thought of him today. Here's too you dad, and our weak tea! Cheers!