Monday, May 26, 2008


Last night I dreamt of my father. I don't know if I have done that before...this may be the first time in 6 months that I have. He did not speak to me or give me any advice, although I will admit that would have been wonderful. He was just THERE, ya know? He was very present. I could see him clearly. I could remember every line, every hair, every pore. I seemed to focus on his hand. Maybe because in the end I held his hand so much? I wanted to hold his hand forever. My dream was so real. It almost made me forget....but I did not....we are in the "twenty's" again aren't we?

Yesterday we had a party for my son's graduation. I am so proud of this boy. He is everything a person could ask for. The party was at our house and it was lovely. I had wanted to have it down at my mom & dad's because they have a large patio with a lot of room and because that way I would have felt that dad was there. But it rained so we had everyone to our house. We had a few friends and family and that is all you really need. It was a small and intimate open house. We so appreciated everyone taking the time to come by. It meant so much to both of us. The only thing missing was my dad. But he was there. I know it. Because he was still there for my dream.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Magna Cum Laude High School Grauate

Well my baby is a high school graduate! I am so very proud of him. We actually made it through the graduation ceremony without tears....okay maybe I had one or two...but it was not bad.
My dad would have been bursting his buttons with pride. I am sure he is in heaven telling everyone, "That is MY grandson".
My father drove this kid to school every day for 3 1/2 years and picked him up too. If not for gramps there would have been no school, or plays, or parties. Gramps never once complained about having to sit in a hot car in a parking lot for 3 hours waiting for a play rehearsal that was longer than what the schedule said it would be. He never lost his temper at last minute drives or late the night calls from a daughter who just did not have the energy to drive out to "who knows where" to pick up the kid. We are grateful for all the miles and minutes that gramps gave unselfishly to the cause. You are a huge part of who Ryan is today. Gramps, you did a great job...this kid is a good boy! Thank you. Thank you so much.

Friday, May 16, 2008

There Are Still Tears


Last night was the Baccalaureate Mass for my son's high school graduating class. It was a lovely ceremony. There were several times when parents and grandparents were mentioned. Sister said that she hoped the kids would remember the sacrifices that parents and grandparents made to send them to this school. She had all the parents and grandparents stand, etc.

After the service I saw my son in the lobby and someone asked him if he was okay and he started crying. He said it was all the talk about grandparents. It broke my heart. He hugged several people who comforted him. I know that it is really hard right now for all of us. Ryan tries to be grown up and he is. He is very mature and strong. But I have to remember that inside he is still a little boy who misses his gramps.

Saturday, May 3, 2008

These are hard weeks

I have been thinking about my dad a lot the past week. This has been a really hard week for me. My son won a big award at school. The highest honor they have. An award about academics and character. We are so proud of him. Mom and I cried. We cried because we love him and because Gramps would be so proud of his boy! I know dad would still be walking around with a glow of pride even now 5 days later.
In two short weeks it will be high school graduation. I wish dad were here for that too. I keep trying to figure out a proper graduation party or open house and I always cry. Dad would be setting up the world's largest bar-b-que and have every detail defined. He would be getting things ready today. See I am crying again. This is almost harder than any time between November and now.
When dad first died it was all shock and fog. Christmas was still shock but the world is kinder then so it was different. Right now is outright pain. The loss is so real and so present. I sometimes wonder how I will get through the next few weeks. I have cried every day for a week while sitting at work. It is just hitting me too hard right now.
I thank KK as always for being my support when I email her crying and talking about my loss. I could never have made it without her. She is in my heart and my thoughts every moment. I love you my savage cousin! Thanks for always holding me up!
Tonight we go to the theatre where my son will get a scholarship from the theatre group he loves the most. They are always there for him. And again tonight I will cry because Dad is not here to share this honor. I always thought when spring got here I would be stronger. Well, there is always the summer.