Thursday, January 31, 2008

To Good Health

Boy, I have been sick for over a month. I have been especially sick the past two weeks. It has been so bad. I have been in bed since Monday afternoon, finally last night I was able to get up for a little while. Today I had a follow up at the doctor and finally have actually been out of bed all day. I have been in so much pain. The fact that the nurse "quacktioner" last week told me it might be the big "C" word was not a high spot for me either. Today the real doctor told me he thought it had been a bladder infection and that I was in so much pain because of inflamation. I am just grateful that the antibiotics finally kicked in and made me start to feel more human. It has been a long, long time since I have done anything as simple as sit in a chair without crying because it hurt so much. So anyday that you can wake up and not feel pain you should rejoice! I have so much more compassion for those who are ill after suffering for a month. I thank God that I am feeling better and pray that those who are seriously ill can get relief from whatever pain they may be feeling. It is miserable to not be able to get out of bed or to eat. Celebrate your health!! Thanks to those who showed genuine concern for me. I love you! Good health to you!

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Theatre Family

Last night my son and I went to the Hawthorne Players 2007 Season Awards Banquet. It was very nice. Ryan has done plays with many theatre groups but this one is his favorite. There are so many good people. The show that won best show of the season was Spoon River Anthology. Four actors played 64 parts. It was such a beautiful show. Ryan played 19 different characters and was so very proud of how this show turned out. It was the last show that Gramps saw him in.
At the beginning of the awards presentation Ray Shea, president of the group, said a few words about people with the group who had died and was kind enough to mention dad and how moving dad's memorial service was. I bit my lip hard to keep from crying. Such a lovely thing to include dad in the evening. Everyone knows how proud Gramps was of Ryan. He never missed a performance. He enjoyed helping out when needed with sets and ushering and just watching as a proud grandfather. I will never forget the first night of this show when looking at the program seeing that Ryan dedicated this performance to his biggest fans Grams, Gramps and I my father just sat there and cried. He was so proud. And so it meant so much to us for Ray to say a few kind words about dad on a night celebrating theatre.
Ray was so special during the time with dad. Once I emailed him about it and told him Ryan needed some emotional support he sent the word out to Ryan's theatre family. It astounds me to this day how much love was showered on my son and I. It was true heart felt love without any limits. There were emails and so much support, many attended the memorial service. Even now I tear up to think about how kind these people are. Last night we got many hugs and people telling us how happy there were to see us. It was heartwarming and comforting, it was like coming home.

Friday, January 25, 2008

Phone calls & memories

Mom has been so brave lately, but she has also been falling apart. She can't seem to shake the image of dad dying. She was there. He looked at her, said I am dying then literally died in her arms. It is a nightmare that she cannot get out of her head. I don't know what to do to ease her horrible memories. There is only so much I can do from work. I tell her to get out of the house because his memory is everywhere. Maybe when it is warmer it will be easier for her to get out. I wish she had some friends she could call and hang out with during the day.
Phone calls are a life line to her. I must thank everyone who calls her. You have no idea how much those calls mean to her. They keep her grounded. Even when you only call to say hi it can make such a huge impact on her day. Those few moments can help her get through a bad morning. They give her something to focus on. A few minutes of contact with someone who cares when her world seems to be spinning out of control.
So thank you from the bottom of my heart for those precious calls. I have been meaning to thank you for a long time and have never found the time. Today was a bad day for mom, I hope you were able to give her a call. Special thanks to the angels-you know who you are!

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Tuesday just Tuesday

I know it is not all about me but to start, I went to the doctor today because I have not been feeling very good since the day we were supposed to see the lawyer in December and I got so sick. Saw nurse practitioner today, urine tests were all wonky so I have to take pills for 7 days and go back in 10 days for another test. She said it could be nothing, something not too serious, all the way up to bladder cancer! Now why would you tell someone that? She got my attention for sure. I will take all my pills and make follow up visit but still, odd to me that you would tell someone that right off the bat. She asked me if I was okay and said that one time she told a patient that and that for 10 days that is all the patient could think about. Well, do ya think!?!? That is like telling someone to go for a drive in the car saying, Now you may wind up in a beautiful location, you may have a flat tire, or you may crash. Now have fun! Come back in 10 days~
Yesterday mom met with the lawyer. She liked him. I was sick so did not go. (Thanks Mrs H for once again spreading those angel wings and helping out. I love you being in our family and surrounding us with your love. We could not do this without you. Hope Mr H will be well soon.) Lawyer agrees something went wrong. He said it might take a while to settle but we do not care we want to pursue it no matter what. This should never happen to anyone else. There has to be responsibility and accountability and the patient has to be treated as an individual not as separate body parts. So right now he will wait to get all the medical records. That could take up to a month. We still have not heard a word about autopsy so at least we will have an answer on that when lawyer gets the records! Somehow makes it a little easier knowing that the first step has been taken, that someone feels the same way we do.
Guess that is about it for right now. Mom is doing little things that amaze me. It all takes time but she is trying new things every day and making little changes and I am proud of her. Thanks for reading~ take care.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Missing my dad

I miss my dad. I even said it out loud tonight when I drove my son to his play rehearsal. It was hard to say it out loud, to hear the actual words. But man oh man I miss him so much. I miss him to the furthest part of my very soul. I close my eyes and I see him. I hear him calling me telling me that he will pick my son up from play rehearsal. I can hear him even without my special "happy birthday" voice mail message. I don't need that voice mail to hear my dad, I can hear him so clearly all the time. Sometimes it all hurts worse now than I thought it would. People keep saying it will take time, that it will get better, but they are liars. Someone had told me that there would be days when it was better and then days when is was worse then before....yep that person told me the truth. Odd how some days are so much harder than others and for no real reason either. I guess tonight it is just because dad always either tag teamed with me on rehearsals where I would drop off and he would pick up, or he just did all the driving. My dad adored my son so much. He was so proud of him. I know that my son is suffering so much now too, but he is trying to be the man of the family. It is hard for him. He is such a good boy. I always thanked God for such a good boy but now, even more, I am grateful that I have such a caring, honorable, loving young man to call my son. I think he got all of that from his Gramps.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Feeling blah

I have been sick since Saturday. Saturday was the worst. I really thought I was going to go insane from feeling so bad. Today is Monday. I stayed home from work because I still feel rotten and not fully me from not eating. I do feel better, certainly better than Saturday. Wow that was a bad day. I seriously gave thought to going to the hosptial but I really don't want to go there. I don't have to explain that one. When you feel bad physically the whole world is just off. It is dark and dreary and you cannot even remember ever feeling well. Nothing sounds good; not chocolate or cake or even Disney. I guess it is like depression of the soul only it is depression of the body. I am not going to put my feeling bad on dad or depression. I just want to feel better because this stinks.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

My dad wishes me a pleasant day every day

I have a secret. My dad talks to me every day. No really. He wishes me happy birthday and tells me to have a pleasant day. Now Mrs. H before you call the loony bin to take me away, I guess I should explain that dad talks to me from my voice mail at work.
On my birthday 5 years ago or so, dad left me a message and I never erased it.
So now, when I want to hear him I play it. He says, "Hello Cindy, and a happy birthday to you. I hope you have a pleasant day." Now isn't that about the coolest thing?!? Well, it is to me!! Depending on the day it can make me smile or make me cry. It is my secret message from my dad just to me. So I am sending this wish to you that you have a pleasant day today and every day.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Money can't buy happiness?

Whoever said money can't buy happiness just does not know how to spend their money! I say travel with that money, or go to a nice dinner, or better yet pay your bills!! That can bring more than happiness, it can bring security. This is where we sit right now. Looking for security. My mom is scared about how she is supposed to pay her bills. And who can blame her. She will be getting $1,500 a month LESS than when dad was alive! That is a huge amount of money. The difference between paying your bills and selling your house. But even with selling the house you would have to live somewhere. It is a nightmare. What are we going to do? I am at a loss as to what to do about this one. God knows my job does not pay me enough to pay my bills let alone mom's. I would always go to mom and dad to help bail me out so I am afraid as well. This one has me shaking. All we can do is pray. This is the time dad would tell us not to worry, that everything is going to be okay. Maybe if we are really quiet we will hear him tell us this now.

Saturday, January 5, 2008


2008. What can I say? It is a new year.
I went back to work Jan. 2 it has gone better than I thought. There are people there who are kind. Dad worked there for 10 years so a lot of folks knew him. It has been comforting to get hugs and kind words there. I am grateful. I do feel sorry for the poor unsuspecting that come in my office and tell me they are sorry and ask if dad had been sick. They are then trapped like deer in the headlights as I tell them the story of how the hospital, in essence, killed my father. I will try not to do that so much in the future but I want people to know the true story and not think that dad was sick or gave up or anything. He was ready to come home.

Mom has been trying so hard to put one foot in front of the other. She has bad days but Thursday she went to the grocery store and Friday to the post office. These are huge steps for her to take. My dad did EVERYTHING for all of us. He went to the grocery store every day. Sometimes twice a day. So for mom to go, and to use her brand new debit card, took a lot of courage on her part. I cannot make light of something that is so far out of her comfort level. Me going to the store or movies or work alone is something I have been doing for years. But I think I remember how scary it was when I first had to do it. First lived on my own. But after a while you get a handle on it. It is such an enormous effort to just try. She could be hiding in bed all day, although I assure you I would never allow that to happen, but she gets up and tries to go on. As do we all. Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is get out of bed.