Saturday, February 20, 2010

Who is That?!?

Have you ever looked in the mirror, or at your image in a photograph, and wondered...just WHO is that? It is almost scary to not recognize yourself. When did it happen? When did I get old and fat and sad? Where is the smile, the twinkle? Just who is this person who is looking back? Maybe the world would be a better place without mirrors? Some days you walk out of the house and you feel downright cute....maybe even pretty... and confident and awesome...and then you catch a glimpse of yourself in a mirror or a reflection in a window and you stop....hey...who is THAT???!! Then that slow, shocking realization....oh...sadness...that is me! UGH.

Inside I swear I am still the same person I was when I was 16 and running around with my friend Mary. We had a great childhood with no worries. We were young and innocent and clueless..... and we were happy. I guess the more we live the more we live with. Debt and responsibility and worry all pile up and make us weary of life. Some of this aging must be reflected in our outward appearance....that must explain it....that and time. But why then is it that some moments, some rare moments, you can feel the joy and freedom you did when you were younger? Why can't THAT be the reflection that comes back at you?

I guess you just have to live with it. Time marches on and sometimes it looks like it has marched all over you. You can moisturize and brush and paint your self up. Or you can find that inner happiness and light from when you were young and go out feeling THAT beauty and glow....OH....and avoid mirrors!

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Valentines Day? Love Always!

Today is Valentine's Day. It is such a silly holiday. It puts pressure on those in relationships and makes those not in relationships feel somehow lowly and sad. It sells tons of candy and cards and flowers to those trying to conform to this silliness. Stop it!! If you save all of your love for one day then who is really the sad one?

I have had a handful of what may or may not have been serious, meaningful "couple" relationships. Looking back I see they were probably more dysfunctional than real. I have had my heart broken. But was it really because I was losing the love of my life or was it more correctly my hurt pride that something I had tried did not work out or the shear disbelief that someone did not want ME!? I think the latter two.

Maybe I have yet to find my soul mate. The love of my life. The ONE! I used to believe the fairytale of happily ever after. The all consuming passion of your love for one man. How your heart beats faster and your soul glows brighter. The little cottage, picket fence love. I clearly have watched too many movies and been to Disney World one too many times.

I am sure my mom had that with my dad. And I know that is why it is so hard for her to put one foot in front of the other each day. It must be such a terrible sadness to have lived the dream and had it torn from you.

As I get older I realize that I do have love. I have passionate, all consuming love. Just not the way I thought I would. I may not have my husband, boyfriend, soul mate. But I have relationships that touch my soul. There are so many and they fill my heart. Too many to even count. But I must touch on son. The love of my life, the center of my world, the joy of my heart. Yes I adore him. He is my only child. How could I ever love anyone as much as I love him? I am so proud of the man he has become. He is caring and loving and respectful and everything I could have ever asked for. He is my love. My family. We are small but mighty. My mom is trying so hard. She is lost and we are trying to find a path for her. It is hard. We are at the age when it is almost like I am the mother and she the child. It is a very hard adjustment for both of us. But I know that she loves me and that makes me glad. My cousin Karla. Well who could ask for someone as wonderful as her?? She is savage! My friends. They are my rock. I have old friends and new friends. Friends who are close to genius and ones who are a little off. I love them all. MT you know you are the dearest to me. You are the only one who can get to the hard places in my heart.

Valentines Day? BAH! Go out and make this day what you will. Maybe you will be lucky enough to get some candy or flowers out of it. Or maybe even a nice dinner. But please, whatever you do, do not make this the only day you show your love. Love is in all forms, in all faces, in all hearts and not just this one day. Happy Hearts ♥ Always.