Friday, April 15, 2011

From a Distance

I think one of the things that makes me so frustrated with my mom is that she does not appreciate the joyous gift of health that she is lucky enough to have. She can walk, and see, and hear, and drive. How many are out there who would give a day of their lives to be able to do any of these things much less ALL of them? My mom chooses to sit on a sofa and watch TV. All day. Every day. Every night. Always. And that is all.

I know she figures that she is healthy enough to live on her own. But really, is sitting there vegetating in front of a TV really living? I suppose I could say the same about my hours at a computer. But at least I am attempting to communicate with the world. Not just numb my mind and weaken my body. I am so aggravated with her total lack of

She is wasting away. She is wasting a life. So I am going to have to distance myself from her. It is for the best. She will get what she wants, to sit. And I can try to save my sanity and that of my dear son. I will let her sit but I will no longer let myself get pulled into her negativity.

I have tried for 3 years. I have tried to take care of her. To help her. To guide her. But she wants none of it. She is stubborn and prefers to sit and I guess wait to either lose her house or to die or for the next TV show or ball game to start. My beloved son the other night told me that he is the unhappiest he has been in his whole life except for when my dad died. How is that possible? How can the negative invade another life? I think it is easy. Because it is happening with us.

She is HEALTHY that is the kicker. If she were sick or out of her mind I could accept the sitting and not wanting to be a part of the world.I wish she tried. I wish she went out. My father was busy all the time. He was always in the middle of one project or another. Constantly in motion. Mom is the opposite of that. Anti motion. If mom gardened or read a book it would be great. But she sits. Perfectly content to let another beautiful day come and go without being part of it. Her mind and body are fine. She chooses not to use either. Watching TV makes her happy so who am I to tell her she should be embracing life? She should be living? And so even though I still care more than she will ever understand. I am going to be doing it....from a distance. So I do not have to cry when I see her lose one more day.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

I Feel Better Since I've Given Up Hope

Sometimes you just can no longer fight the fight and you give up. That is how I am feeling today after dealing with my mom. I am defeated. Everything I ever try to do is wrong. You can only hear it for 50+ years before you finally just say ok and give it up. I once had a pin that said “I feel much better since I’ve given up hope” funny how I think of that now. If I find that button I think I am going to wear it. Somehow things do seem a little sunnier since I have given up.

My dad died 3 years 4 months and 14 days ago. It has been hard, very hard. If you have lost a loved one suddenly you understand. Even if your loss was not sudden you understand. My father did literally everything for my mom. She wanted for nothing. It was all handed to her. If she wanted to go somewhere they went. Eat something they ate. Buy something it was bought. She only had to think about it and it happened. Unfortunately my father who provided so well in life did not have the papers in place in death that he thought. He was supposed to have a policy that would give mom a check every month for the rest of her life. It would have kept her monthly income at what it was when dad was here. But somehow it was not set up that way. Instead of monthly security she got a very small lump sum of money. That money has dwindled the past 3 year until it is nearly gone. In an effort to keep my mom in the house she shared with dad she needed to come up with something.

I have a friend C, he is at a tough place in his life. C’s mom passed away last summer after many years of illness. He took care of her for most of his adult life. It was the only life he knew. Now that his mom is gone he is living in the middle of nowhere which is where she wanted to be. In this age of rising gas prices and, well, everything going up, it was hard for him to stay there. He needed to get somewhere closer to civilization and find a job. Eventually he would like to move to Florida (well, who doesn’t want to do that?) so he was looking for somewhere to live for a few months. The solution presented itself that he would rent mom’s house and mom would move in with dear son and I for four months. That will give C time to get it together and mom four months of not taking preciously shrinking money out of the bank to pay house payment and some bills. This has been the plan since December.

All was well…until yesterday. Mom came home Sunday from visit with friend in another city. To say that friend has some influences in what mom thinks would not be a lie. I will not elaborate but I just think that sometimes it is not a good idea to let your thoughts come from someone else’s opinion. So mom comes home with ideas that the lawyers don’t know what they are doing and that she is not moving in with me. Things just spiraled out of control from there. Mind you C has no idea that mom is thinking about pulling the house out from under him as he has not been in touch with me in over 2 weeks, although he has given us money for April and moved in some of this things. He has never spent the night in the house or even spent more than a few minutes there.

Yesterday mom goes home. Sits there all day crying and saying she wants to die and watching TV. She enjoys watching TV. She watches it all the time. I tried to get her to use a computer, go on FB, make friends all over the world. But she cannot figure that out. TV, that she can figure out. It might be good for her if she cooked or shopped or took a walk. She could go to the library, a movie, work in the yard. Sitting watching the TV is a lot like fading away.

I know she is lost. I know it sucks. I am trying to help. I know I cannot. If I could bring dad back I would. If I could be a better daughter I would. I wonder if maybe if I was on TV mom would understand. So today I give up. I have decided to star in my own show, I think God may have a starring role. I think I shall call this show "Giving it Up to God" It might be a big hit. I hope it runs for years!