Friends and Friendships

Mom arrived safely in Salt Lake City today to spend time with a childhood friend. This will be good for her. A breather away from a house haunted with the memory of my father. Maybe "haunted" is not the correct word, that implies something scary. It is in fact NOT scary. But the truth of it is that he IS there everywhere. I can see him in the yard, in the car, in every room of the house. Tonight I climbed into his closet and cried while I hugged his clothes. I just wanted to feel him hug me. I wanted to smell him on his clothes. I wanted to surround myself with him. I buried my face in his jackets and cried while I held them all around me. I wanted to open my eyes and see him there wondering what I was doing in his closet. Well, I seem to be going off into another direction when I really wanted to talk about friendship.

I often feel like I have no one. I have recently pondered about how alone I really am. Mom has a friend who comes over every single night to sit with her and watch TV for a while. That is so nice for mom to know that every night she will have a friend visit. And now mom is spending time with a friend from her childhood. They have kept in touch all these years even miles apart. They have both suffered losses recently so they can understand the sorrow and the need for courage. They can lean on each other and hold each other up. Her friend said come out and see me and stay for as long as you want. That friendship is something wonderful that has lasted a long, long time. I too have friends from my childhood. Mary in particular I know would be here for me in a second if I needed her. I am grateful to her and I know that she is in my heart and I am in hers. She is a beautifully spiritual person and my good friend. She is a sister to me.

But Dad's death brought with it some sad, bewildering revelations about friends and friendships. I have not wanted to address it at all, but in realizing how alone I am I figured I might as well put it out there. I have two friends I have known for over 20 -30 years who I thought would have my back forever, but they have been missing from my life totally for four months. No calls, no contact. Nothing at all since dad went in the hospital. Oh sure, there was the sympathy card from both and a two minute phone call from one, but other than that there has been nothing. I am confused, saddened, hurt by this. These were what I thought were my two best friends. Friends I shopped with, had lunch with, thought I would grow old with. I know there must be reasons for this lack of contact but I do not know what they are. I used to cry about it, but now I simply accept it for what it is. I will not call them though. It hurts me too much. I know that makes me as bad as them, but I cannot help it. How can you not be there when someone's world is falling apart? I thought that was what friends were all about. That is why I feel so alone. The two people I put all my faith in have not been here for me.

On the positive side some people have shown themselves to be more than friends. They have reached out to catch me. There are friends at work who are there to hug me and to sit with me when I cry. They make my life bearable. They are more than work-mates, they are real true friends and I hope I do not take them for granted. I have reconnected with an old, lost friend who called me and emailed me several times a day just to be sure I was okay. It is nice to reconnect with someone after such a long time. And of course I have my beloved KK who is my rock. She was by my side in an instant when I needed her. She made me strong. I know that she loves me and I carry her with me every moment of my life. I will always love you my savage cousin! Thank you so much for the uncountable kindnesses that you have bestowed on me. I can never repay you. And I do have another best friend. My son. I know that there are some who say that you should not be your child's friend, but who are these people anyway!? My son IS my best friend.

So, maybe after thinking this over I really am not as alone as I thought I was. But I still sometimes feel all alone more times than I want to even admit and it is really a sad, lonely feeling. A feeling that makes you want to crawl into a closet and hug some clothes.