Thursday, February 7, 2008

One minute on a sad night

Tonight is one of those nights when I just can't sleep. A blanket of sadness comes over me and I can't rest. Sometimes I wish for one minute when someone would hold me and I did not have to be strong or brave. I could just let go. Really sad thing is the only one who could ever do that for me was my dad.
Somehow when he would hug me all the walls would come down and I could be a scared little girl in her dad's arms knowing I was safe and that everything would be ok. I have built up so many walls over the years to keep from getting hurt. I have the strong wall, the mean wall, the bad *ss wall. Too many walls to count, just to keep the pain out. The death of your father does not know what a wall is. Walls don't stop that kind of pain. I wish they did.
Tonight I cry for my loss. I cry when I think of the last time I saw my dad in that horrible hospital in that bed. I had no idea it would be my last time to see him. He was coming home the next day. It is still too much to handle. Even now. I cry to think of the days when he was on the machine and we knew that he really wasn't there. Those days were hard. Nightmare hard. I cry just because I am scared and lonely and I miss him. I cry because during the day I have to be brave and strong but at night in my bed I do not. I cry because I wish for one minute I did not have to be strong or brave ever. Maybe even thirty seconds would be nice.

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