Today is Tuesday. Nothing too special about today. I somehow just can't get myself up and going today. I did not see mom much yesterday because, I am ashamed to say, I did not have the strength. It takes the air out of me to be with her sometimes. I think there are times I look at her and think she could burst into a cloud of dust and blow away. She is still suffering so. I think my defense tactic is to pretend it is all a nightmare. The times when the reality hits me is too much. I want to just stay in bed and pretend that the world is the same as it was before dad entered the hospital. That he is still down the street sitting on the couch reading the paper. I look out my back window down into his yard fully expecting to see him out puttering...those are the moments that hurt...when I realize I will never see him down there again.....
I am going to get moving now. Pick up my son from school at noon and take him and mom out for lunch. Put one foot in front of the other and go on for today. Maybe there will be a few minutes when I don't think about all that has happened and the horrible reality of what went wrong. I only ask for a few minutes of peace at a time. I don't even need a whole day right now. I would be happy with a few minutes. Stay strong.
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