I am my father's daughter....I LOVE Christmas movies just the way he did....I don't care how silly they are....I love them.....if it has Holiday or Christmas or Santa in the title I am there. I can sit all day long and watch one movie after the other.....I can watch 2 movies at once switching back and forth between them....I can watch one then watch the repeat of it that airs directly after it....I am a sucker for a holiday movie. When dad was in the hospital he and I both watched White Christmas both times it was on.....and could not wait for the new holiday movies to come so we could watch them. My dad was a softie....he could cry at anything....did you know that? Tough on the outside but all mushy inside.
I do not understand how in every single holiday movie....in the end there is ALWAYS a a love connection.....a romance......an engagement.....a happily ever after. What is up with that???? How about those of us without a relationship? Are we supposed to think our lives stink because it is Christmas and we are alone? Are we supposed to believe that we will wake up Christmas morning and fall in love with the millionaire who just happens to be delivering newspapers that day??? I am feeling a little bah humbug about this right now. It never really bothered me before. I guess maybe it is just because I am sad and not feeling much like there is a Christmas miracle out there...but I can't help but smile and cry with every Christmas movie I watch and wish my dad were here.......
Oh, well here it is....you see I intended this to be my commentary on these movies and their unrealistic fairy tale endings but instead find myself sitting here crying and crying and in such terrible pain....see....that is how this thing works....you just never know when it will hit you.....you go along feeling strong.....and then WHAM the ugly, horrible reality of it all hits you right in the soul. Well, that is just not fair. It is not fair at all. I miss him so much. Why can't life be like a Christmas movie? Why can't I wake up and find that this was just an awful dream?
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The reason it started out one thing and brought along so much pain is #1. It's all too fresh! #2. It's the holidays! #3. Christmas movies is really a special thing between you and your daddy! and #4 and probably the hardest of them is: Even subconsciously the pain is always there!
When I say all to fresh, I mean you've not had enough time to process everything, let alone deal with it! Like I said before...time helps ease the pain. Your heart and soul right now are like an opened, fresh, wound. It takes awhile for that to scab over to begin even think about starting toward a healing process.
2. The holidays? Sweetie...they will never be the same and so far in my journey, they are all hard! I just remind myself what my Granny once told me after losing her mother. "No holiday is ever the same after losing someone you love, but you make the best of the day that you can for the ones you love still with you" Needless to say, I didn't understand what that meant when she said it, but I all too well understand it today!
3. When it's something "special" between you and your daddy...at first those memories are gonna hurt and be hard to face because of the circumstances, but I'm thinking (not knowing) in years to come when that wound is completely scabbed over...those memories will be what gives us joy, hope and a lil light in this dark world!
4...the HARDEST probably is no matter who, what, where, when, how or why...this life altering pain you're going thru is always gonna be there. You have a terrible wound in your heart; it's bound to leave a big scar. I'm sure you have a scar from a skinned knee...you don't think about that scar, or remember the pain that came with it, but when you look down and see it, you can recall just how you got it and you also remember the pain of why it's there. Well our hearts after losing someone is much of the same way. This scar is always there and in years to come when everything is processed and "settled" in your mind, or your new normal is found, everyday won't be as hard as it is right at this very moment. The pain won't be so intense you wanna bust out crying because you realized you might be cooking your daddy's favorite food, or doing an activity that your daddy admired or something of his gets broke, it's not going to be the one thing that completely destroys you. I know you won't believe this, at least I didn't...but once you've dealt with this and found your new normal...that pain is always gonna be there, it just ain't going to show it's face everyday...just every month when you realized it's been another month of living without them! Or on his birthday, or holidays. Subconsciously the pain is always there! This pain that you feel right now...will become a scab and turn into a scar...
Lean on God Sweetie...Lean on Ryan. Derrick was my reason for continuing and when I couldn't find any joy, during search for my new normal, God managed to give it to me thru the eyes of my son!
We all love you and continue to pray for you, Ryan and Aunt Phyllis
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