Friday, December 7, 2007

MORNING HAS BROKEN

I wake up in the mornings and try to remember....what was it I needed to remember this morning....it was something important...something that has changed my life...oh yea....my dad....

On Thursday, November 29, 2007 my father died. Well that is what the death certificate says anyway. We all know he died Monday. You can tell. No matter what machines and doctors try to make you believe, you know in your soul when someone you love is gone. Sitting in a room with someone you love hooked up to machines for no reason other than doctors like to try to play God is a very unsettling feeling. It is hard....No, I won't lie to you... it is not hard... it is impossible.

Welcome to my blog....can you feel the joy???

During the time my dad was in the hospital it helped me to get through it all by emailing updates to family and friends. It helped me to share with people I love just how hard it all was for us. I promised everyone I would stop emailing them now that there is nothing to update....but I thought this was the way for me to continue writing but not burden those who did not ask for me to bombard their emails with my words.

I won't go into the details of my dad's death (cardiac tamponade) because quite frankly if I have to tell it one more time I may just scream.....(Although that might be good...at the memorial service I thought going outside for primal screaming would be a really good end to the service.)

Let's just say that I am 50 something and I am an only child who grew up ADORING my dad. I am now..that age I sort of mentioned... and I am a single mom with an only child....and a mom who after 54 years of being worshipped now finds herself alone. Where there once was 4 there are now 3. The head and the heart are missing from my little family...I am scared and sad....I am still a full blown daddy's girl and I am just trying to find my way.....




5 comments:

Lisa said...

I am thankful that you decided to continue writing about your love for your Daddy. Although it's painful to read, it also has given such insight into the close bond of your family.

And you know it helps me to focus on and remember to appreciate the time I have with my parents and family.

I think you have a special way of communicating, in a very deep and meaningful way, the emotions that you've experienced.

God be with you.
~L

Tabs said...

Oh Cindy, my dear darling cousin! This is a very hard thing to adjust to and there's no "right" "wrong" way to do it, we each, individually, have to do it in whatever way possible to keep our own santity.
I, too well, understand waking everyday and having to find "your way"...I, myself, call it a "new normal" because what once was normal, isn't normal anymore. On our journey to finding this new normal is not easy, we have to fall to our knees and pray to the good Lord above for the strength, comfort and courage to face the new normal that is going to be laid out in front of us.
Remember always, the Lord will never leave nor forsake us...and in our deepest of pain, He is carrying us. I can't say anything to make this better for you! Time will help ease this pain, but time will never completely heal it!
Derrick just lost his Mamaw (Tim's mom) and I'll tell you like I do him...He was loved so much by his Mamaw (and you by your daddy) they are now asking Jesus to allow them to watch over those they loved the most! Uncle Glenn was a devoted daddy and I believe with all my heart, he asked God to allow him to be your angel and he's watching over you, Ryan and Aunt Phyllis...and God loves Uncle Glenn enough to say "Ok."
I can't make it better. But I LOVE reading anything you have to say, don't ever feel we don't wanna hear what you have to say. We all love you and would never expect you to deal with this alone! We all are praying for comfort, strength and courage in the steps you have faced, are facing and will be facing in years to come!
I love you darling!
Tabatha

okiehomie said...

Dear Cindy

This is a new chapter in your life. It is different from all the other ones you've been through. But just like all the other ones, you will pass through to arrive at the next one. It seems as though life remains the same for such a stretch of time and then all of a sudden, it begins to change and keeps changing.

God be with you along the way.

Love ya
Sandy

ann said...

Cindy, I am not good at this blog thing--trying to get it together!
I have recieved information from Judy during Glenn's hospitalization and tragic Death. We felt very close to Glenn and Phyllis, but rarely had a chance to be with you and Ryan. You haver a wonderful ability to express your love and concern for your parents. We will miss them at our family functions. You said it! Glenn was tough on the outside but mushy on the inside! You and Ryan and Phyllis will be in our prayers!

Barb said...

Hi Phyllis, Cindy and Ryan:
Funny how after a week or so it still hits and hits hard. There is no time frame for grief. I guess I knew I was on the healing road when I remembered the Funny more and Pain less when both parents passed.
I see Glenn in the second row at church.I keep his place warm with my purse. Wonder if the Choir has noticed yet?
This year Christmas seems less and we all have to fight to make it more and remember that it is "Jesus' Day". I am forcing myself to put all the pain in the stable.
Love you all- Am here for you!
Barb