I miss my Dad. I need a hug.

I miss my dad. I need a hug.

Heavy sigh...Today I was minding my own business and some chick pulls into my lane. I am okay. Mom is okay. Car bumper is scratched.
But this chick says I hit her. She is clearly at fault. I am so sad. I am so tired of people taking advantage of me. Stop walking all over me!

If my dad were here he would hug me. One of those excellent bear hugs of his. The kind that let you know you are safe. The kind that make you cry because you can let it all out and know that someone will take care of you.

I don't care how old you get to be, or how hard you make your heart, there are times when you need to be protected. Times when you want someone to make the world go away. Times when you just need to be hugged. And when that is gone. You feel sad. I miss that the most. The one person in the world that protected me. I think I would give anything to have that feeling again. To have that safe place. To have that hug.

I was feeling very UN Thanksgiving like for the past week or so. You know the story..last thing we did with Dad was celebrate our Thanksgiving on Sunday. The last "good" day he had was in the hospital ON Thanksgiving. Then ....well you know the rest. So I was thinking this year would be a good year to go to McDonald's or a pizza parlor or something very UN Thanksgiving like.

But then, Monday, after having a tooth extracted ( yes me but don't ask & ouch) my mother surprised me by saying she was thinking about making a Thanksgiving meal. Would I mind? Would I mind!?! I was excited!! Signs of life!! Oh joy!

I started feeling Thankful. I even had a dream about my dad! That never happens. Maybe once since he died. This one was very vivid I heard his voice as clear as a starry night. He was telling me not to worry about the bread or he was bringing the bread or had the bread...whatever I guess dad has the bread part of the meal taken care of! Ha ha.

So I guess I am Thankful....again. Thanks Dad! I hope someone has some butter for this bread.

Just Breathe

It has been FAR too long since I have sat down at this keyboard and journeyed down this road. It is not that I am "together" now or even that I have fallen so far "down". I really don't know what it is. Laziness, perhaps? Fear, maybe? Fear that it looks like all I do is whine? Fear that I am putting too much of myself out there? I don't know.
It has been gloomy here for most of October. It rains all the time. Chilly, cloudy, rainy. It is depressing.
Today mom and I go to the lawyer's office. Today is the day when they tell us that we are either going to persue a case regarding dad's death, or that we need to just walk away. Either option brings pain with it. Just the thought of the lawyer's office makes me sick to my stomach. I have to keep reminding my self to breathe. Even now, sitting here in my home, I can barely breathe with the thought of having to go into that office. There is nothing there but pain. We constantly have to relive the last moments of dad's life when we go there. It is too much to handle. It all comes back. Just when you think you have tucked the pain away a little, there you are in that office having to go to that place again. It is like reliving it all anew.
Whatever happens in there today, we need to walk out strong. We need to remember to Just Breathe.

Wow. I had not realized it has been nearly 3 months since I have been on here. Maybe that means I have been healing from the loss of dad? Maybe I have been playing too much on Facebook and MySpace?

I am well. Beloved Son will start sophmore year of college next week. You don't know how crazy that is to type that but even crazier is he will be 20 years old in November!! My baby! 20 years old??

I wish I had logged on here earlier than this. I am tired and heading for bed.

So, gentle reader. Beloved friend. Magical cosmos. Please know that I am well. I will try to catch up with you very soon. May there be Peace in your soul and may life smile at you and be ever kind.

Fractured, Broken and Shattered

I think I am feeling a little fractured today. Tomorrow mom and I go to the lawyer’s office. It always makes me feel the way you feel before going to the doctor. All tied up in knots with your stomach clenched and your heart beating like a drum. The waiting room in the lawyer’s office is like a cross between a doctor’s office and a mortuary. It is that kind of a place. I guess you don’t want your lawyer to be laughing but a little lightening of the spirit by way of room decor sure would not be a bad idea.

I am not sure what we will hear when we go. It has been a year and a half since dad was murdered…oops did I type that out loud? See my heart is racing now. I do not want to have to think about the days leading to his death. To the days they ignored his pain, the day they killed him, the days he was on a machine but really was dead. It makes me sick. I feel like I could throw up. And this is how I will feel until we walk out of that office tomorrow knowing if we are going to sue or not. I pray to God that we can do something. I want closure. I want some security for my poor mother who does not think she can buy an ice cream cone when she is out, or go to the movies because she does not have enough money to pay her bills. I want to be able to go one day without reliving all of the agony. One day without seeing my mother crying and broken.

But mostly I want the murdering bastards at DePaul Medical Center to face the fact that their carelessness resulted in a shattering of many lives because they killed a really great person – my dad.

I Find My Friends on the Internet

The Internet is an amazing thing. You can sit in your home and watch video of a woman in Britain who people laugh at when she says she wants to sing and then cheer her when she opens her mouth and a beautiful voice comes out. You can have 1 million people sign up to have someone “tweet” at them so you can be privy to their every whim every second of the day. You can watch both beauty and devastation from the recliner in your living room while you eat popcorn and play fetch with your dog.

You can escape into your screen and ignore your family and your obligations and become addicted to games about Vampires or sites like Facebook and MySpace. The computer can alienate you from your family and friends but, in some cases, it can also introduce you to people who you would NEVER meet under every day life circumstances. People who touch your heart and become your friends. I am thinking about the Internet now as I wait word from a dear friend whom I have never met. A man who is waiting for his father to die. A father who was removed from machines so that God can take charge of what is to be. Does this sound familiar to me? You bet it does.

I met JG on Facebook. It was one of those I click on someone and then click on someone else and finally somewhere down the line I wind up on a page of someone who touches something in me. This has happened a few times with MySpace too. I have made some lovely friends on MySpace who I feel are my dear friends. We cheer each other when we are down and truly care about each other. My Facebook friend I found when he had a status about his dad being sick. The “Daddy” thing totally gets my attention every time.

I have been emailing and Facebooking JG ever since. There have been many more downs then ups and then the bad news this week. It is just a matter of time. Although I have never met JG, I consider him a friend. I have been emailing him a lot the past few days because I remember vividly how it was with my dad. How alone I felt. How confused. How lost. When a few of my friends failed to show up or contact me it was a huge blow to everything that I had always believed my life to be. First my dad suffered, then he was gone and my support system was damaged. I never want anyone to go through that.

So I email my friend JG and offer a cyber hug and a typed hand to hold. Knowing that life has a way of turning on a dime. That some things you know to be true turn out to be falser than you could have thought possible. And that sometimes your support and friends come from the most unlikely of places. Like the Internet.

Easter Under The Blankets

Some days you just feel like you need to stay in bed. What is it about your bed that makes you feel safe and snug? Is it the blanket that you can pull up over your head? We all know that your blanket saves you from the monsters under your bed! Maybe it is your favorite pillow that makes it all better? I don’t know but this weekend I just wanted to stay in bed. So I did.

I guess I missed Easter. Oh well. The number of times I have gone to church since Dad died you could count on one hand. In fact you could maybe count them on one finger, no I think two. Sigh, I don’t want to be there. Dad was the church goer in our family. Sure my son went with him all the time but Dad belonged there. He never met a stranger. He loved to sit in the front row and snore through Pastor John’s sermon. But he was a church goer from long ago. One of the things that showed me true love was at the end of my 93 year old grandmother’s life. She was surrounded by dad and all of his sisters. They would gather at night and sign hymns. It was so beautiful. It was spiritual. It was holy. It was love.

I don’t find much solace at church right now. You would think after almost a year and a half that God and I would find some sort of middle ground. But I still have far more questions than I have answers. I so admire those that believe without question. The ones who feel the light and the love. When I say “Our Father” I really only think about MY father and why he is not with me. I think I believe in Heaven and that we will be together again. I want to believe it. I want to believe that my dad looks over us and knows when good things happen. That he was there in Ireland with Ryan. That he comforts mom when she cries. Maybe I am supposed to think of God like a father to me? Like my father? Oh this is not supposed to be about religion. I do not like to talk religion to anyone.

My point is. I spent Easter pretty much in bed. No Easter basket. No chocolate bunny. No ham sandwich. It was just a day. A cloudy, rainy, cold day. Not a celebration of re birth but a put your head under the blanket to keep the monsters away kind of day.
It would have been so much better with a chocolate bunny!

I Feel Him in the Wind

I actually posted a part of this in a blog on my MySpace page but after typing it decided that it fit perfectly in the blog here about my dad. I have been feeling him all around the past few weeks. It has been a good feeling. A comforting feeling. Kind of like a soft breeze.

I live about 1 mile (as the crow flies) from the highway, or Interstate if you prefer. If that crow keeps flying I am also about 1 mile from the Mississippi River...but that is another story....for now I am thinking about the highway, the wind and "the sound".

The past few days the temps have been almost spring like. Such a welcome relief from the dreariness of winter. So the past two days a few of my windows have been open a bit. My bathroom window faces toward the direction of the highway...and I noticed when I walked past... "the sound". It is a special sound that I like to hear. I know some people will say their favorite sound is a child's laugh or singing in church or something highly beautiful and spiritual....but I like the sounds of the highway....the trucks and cars zooming past....it reminds me of VACATION!!

My grandparents moved to FLA when I was in grade school. So every year we HAD to go to FLA for vacation. I got a little jaded about this as it was a very long drive from St. Louis to FLA....the drive is a lot shorter now thanks to Interstates .....but back in the day it took 24 hours from our driveway to my grandparents driveway. To a kid that was a LONG time. Now that I am not a kid it is STILL a long time.

I spent most of the time sleeping in the backseat. When I got older I stayed up the entire time keeping the driver (my dad) company on the long drive. Those were special times just me and my dad alone in a car driving down the road listening to the radio and talking about everything. "The sound" was there all the time. Stopping at gas stations you heard the humming of the cars at they passed. Most of the time we set out in the middle of the night and the sound was a comfort and a sign that we were on vacation. It was always such a treat to get out of the car somewhere in Georgia leaving the bitter cold of a midwest winter and feeling the heat of the south. AHH good times.

I also remember hearing "the sound" when we would stop at a motel and spend the night. It would be the wee hours of a long day and the only sounds you heard were the sounds from the highway. So "the sound" came to mean vacation to me.

Last night I stopped at a gas starion right on the IL- MO border to fill up my car and I stood there pumping gas with my eyes closed and a spring breeze blowing my hair and the SOUND all around me. I never really took the time to notice before that the sound was so near until last night. I could not help but feel my dad all around too. He was in the wind. He was in the sound. So imagine my delight walking past the bathroom door last night and hearing The SOUND right in my own house!! It is like being on vacation....with my dad.

Karma, Dad or Just Some Bad Germs?

My mother got sick the night before New Year's Eve. Whine, whine, blah, blah. Yeah, that is what I thought until three days later when yours truly gets hit by it too! Followed by beloved son a day or two later. Which lead me to ponder: Was this some Karma hint from my Dad telling me to lay off my mom??

We tend to all lay responsibility for whatever happens in our life at Dad's feet. If something glorious happens, like beloved son winning trip to Ireland, everyone says "Gramps was working on that one" or "Your dad did that". If there is an unusual sound or something unexpected we hear "Glenn must be here". Now I am NOT denying that I think it myself. Because my Dad ALWAYS took care of us. And it if comforting to really believe that he is always around in some way. But when I found myself thinking that Dad was putting a Karma thump on my head and making me sick to show me a lesson, I decided maybe I better take responsibility for some things myself.

So yes when I woke up with ghastly plague I soon became much more aware of how easily I brushed my mother off when she said she was sicker than she had ever been. Maybe it was Karma showing me the error of my ways and telling me to be a better person in 2009. But maybe it was just germs that we picked up around town because our neighbor got it too! I don't think that Dad would "Karma" over to mom's dear friend and lay a horrid virus on her to teach her to be a better person in this new year.

So in 2009 I will try to be a better person, a kinder person, a more gentle person. Karma? Well, who wants to take a chance? Maybe there is a lot to this Karma thing. And maybe Dad really is hanging around making sure everyone is doing their job. Maybe he is up in heaven making some great things happen and guiding us the way he always did. And maybe down here he makes a little noise so we know he is enjoying our lives and watching us.

All I know is that when people are sick you should be kind to them because when you are sick you will want the same from them. When people struggle give them a hand. When good things happen it is good to remember those you love even if they are no longer physically there.

See Karma I am trying!! oh and thanks Dad, for Ryan's trip to Ireland!

2009 There Is Always Hope

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. That was a popular quote back in the 70's but it really speaks the truth. Today IS the first day of 2009. A new year. The older I get the more apprehensive I am with each new year. Maybe it is because I have seen years start with such high hopes only to see the dreams that you had never come true. Or maybe I am afraid of what the future could hold.
I sure did not see dad's death coming in 2007 when I was ringing in THAT new year. Some years I just want to go to bed before midnight and have the new year come creeping in without me noticing and just waking up to a brand new year with no fuss about it.
I have decided to change my blog a little. For the first year without my dad it helped me to just focus on my life without him and how that shaped my life and changed me and everyone around me. Now I will broaden it to be more encompassing of life in general... but dad is a constant in my life always and forever.
So today we head into a new year with hope in our hearts and the promise of a bright year...because today really is the first day of the rest of your life and there is always hope. Always.