Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Just Breathe

It has been FAR too long since I have sat down at this keyboard and journeyed down this road. It is not that I am "together" now or even that I have fallen so far "down". I really don't know what it is. Laziness, perhaps? Fear, maybe? Fear that it looks like all I do is whine? Fear that I am putting too much of myself out there? I don't know.
It has been gloomy here for most of October. It rains all the time. Chilly, cloudy, rainy. It is depressing.
Today mom and I go to the lawyer's office. Today is the day when they tell us that we are either going to persue a case regarding dad's death, or that we need to just walk away. Either option brings pain with it. Just the thought of the lawyer's office makes me sick to my stomach. I have to keep reminding my self to breathe. Even now, sitting here in my home, I can barely breathe with the thought of having to go into that office. There is nothing there but pain. We constantly have to relive the last moments of dad's life when we go there. It is too much to handle. It all comes back. Just when you think you have tucked the pain away a little, there you are in that office having to go to that place again. It is like reliving it all anew.
Whatever happens in there today, we need to walk out strong. We need to remember to Just Breathe.

1 comment:

Walker said...

It's your blog and you can whine if you want to.
Red in nice on gloomy days.
Bordeaux ;)

Closure is hard when the door is still open.
I hope you find it no matter what the lawyers say.
I think you father would want that.
I know i would if i was him looking down at the ones i love.