Sunday, November 27, 2011

The Dark Days part 4

Four years ago I was going to a hospital to see my dad hooked up to machines. Lying there. There but not there. Gone but not gone. My dad but not my dad. God how did we ever make it through those days? I think most of that time was spent in shock. Shock and horror. Life changes in the blink of an eye.

Now, four years later, I no longer really feel the "20s" which were the days of the month that I relived everything. The 20's are just days of the month now. But I won't lie, Thanksgiving is still really hard. The last holiday we celebrated. The last meal we had as a family was the Sunday we celebrated Thanksgiving because dad would be in the hospital on the actual day. Thanksgiving 4 years ago was the last good day my dad had. He ate a good meal and walked all over the ICU. He was great that day. And that was the last day he was his old self. The next day he was in pain and then 3 days later, on the day he was to come home, they killed him. He spent 4 days on machines until Nov 29.

Sometimes I just need to get it out. I need to hash it all again. This is the week that makes the most sense. The rest of the year I try to honor my dad by living the best life I can. I wonder if he would be happy with how we are? I know he would be so proud of his grandson! He would be sad to see how we are all suffering financially. That would be hard for him to handle. He would be proud of my mom bravely taking steps every day. Hanging on the best she can. 

On this fourth anniversary of the end, my mind is like a movie where you have the flash back scene. Like in a Christmas Carol where Scrooge is standing in the room in the past and no one sees him. I am like that. Standing in the rooms. No one sees me but I am there. Seeing it all again. But it is time now to put it all away. Pack it away way in the back of my mind. I always think if I have enough good pictures in my memory the bad ones will just fade away.

So dad. I love you. And I can see you on your lawn mower where you were always happy. This is the picture I will carry with me.


Walker said...

I have been coming here for a long time now and have listened to your pain and anger.
Your love and sense of loss and trust me when i say I have been there with you as you morn your loss.
You honor your father by keeping him alive in your heart and thoughts.

Smokey's Daughter said...

My dear friend Walker. Thank you so much for always leaving the kindest comments for me. I think you are the only one who knows me. I find myself only coming here to leave posts when I am my saddest. I hate to let people in, ya know? I don't want to let people know that I really am not as strong as I pretend to be. I come here to let the real feelings out. I really am not living in a state of depression but you sure could not believe that if you only read this blog. I somehow find comfort that there is atleast one person out there who I can talk to. Thanks for being that person.