Friday, April 6, 2012

Happy Easter and Passover. I remember when Easter filled me with excitement. New patent leather shoes and an Easter bonnet. Looking forward to a new Easter dress and dressing up feeling fancy. That was me when I was a child. To say I had a nice childhood would not come close. I was a princess.
Now I don't feel anything. There is no Easter outfit or bonnet.  No feeling of excitement. No Easter basket, colored eggs or chocolate bunnies to look forward to. No church service with everyone in their finery. I have not even thought about an Easter meal and it is Good Friday.
I am not sure when it all went dead to me. My faith is there; somewhere. I do believe. I think. Most of it was shattered when my dad died. Where was God then? Where is he now? I want to have the passion. I try really hard. This year I got a letter from the church I thought I belonged to. They said they were taking me off the roster because they have no record of me giving them any money in a while. I find that the basis of alot of me the money. The pastor was not there for my mom when dad died. Well, he was there that day and we had a beautiful service that weekend, but after that? He was nowhere. Nowhere when my mom needed him most. Nowhere when someone he had known for 10 years was in the pits of hell. Isn't church supposed to be a family? Taking care of you when you cannot care for yourself? We did not have that. Maybe they did not understand that we have no one but us. Maybe everyone is used to large families leaning on each other taking care and banding together.
Things are getting bad here. They have always been bad but they are getting worse. My mom is almost out of money. The loan company called her yesterday to tell her she was 2 days late with her house payment. TWO DAYS. That is crazy. But it put her in a tailspin. She worries all the time. So I worry all the time times 3.
Remember back last year when she was supposed to move in with me? Everyone hated me for that. My aunt told my mom she would love to have her over for Easter (last year) but would not invite her because I would have to bring her and she did not want me in her house? Well the other night mom tells me she should have done it. Oh sigh. I just want to go home and crawl into bed. It would be nice to crawl into bed and eat a chocolate bunny....maybe I will wait until Monday when they are on sale.
I wish you the blessings of Easter or Passover. May you know peace. May we all know peace. Please, please let us know peace♥

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