If Money Grew on Trees

I do not believe that money is the root of all evil.  Lack of money is. I sometimes wonder if people who make tons of money know what it is like to have nothing? Do people really understand what it means to spend millions of dollars on a house or $40,000 on a watch? I got my W2 form today. Due to furlough days and lack of raises I made $4,000 less than I did around 4 years ago. No wonder I am suffering financially. To say I was living paycheck to paycheck would be a compliment to my paycheck. My paycheck is shrinking but my bills are not. I cannot pay my monthly bills. I have no money for groceries. My knee has been giving me a lot of trouble the past several weeks but when I got my paycheck yesterday and paid what I could of my bills this morning I have no money to go to the doctor. Sure I have insurance, which I pay 25% more for than I did  few years ago, but what good is insurance if you cannot pay the co-pay and deductible?

I remember a time when I could go to the grocery store whenever I wanted to. I could browse the aisles and bring home anything I desired. I could try new things. I could make lovely meals. Now, well truth be told I rarely make a decent meal. The days of meatloaf and mashed potatoes and veggies happens so rarely that I cannot even remember how many times we ate that last year.

I am grateful for what I have. There are many who are worse off than I am. But it is hard to be in this downward spiral and not feel scared as to what the future holds. Dear son will graduate from college in May and will soon set out on his own. Right now I am depending on him to pay some of the bills. He is such a kind and generous soul. He always says take whatever you need and does not question. I feel so small when I take money from him. I am his mother. It is my responsibility to take care of him. I have told him since before birth that I will take care of him until he is grown and then it is his turn to take care of me. I just think that I should be doing the taking care of for a year or two more. He should not be taking care of me just yet.

But I will lift up my head and my heart and move on. Somehow things will work out. I only have 7 more car payments so that is something. I am praying hard that maybe this year I will get a raise. Fingers crossed on that one. I have been working so hard and have been given numerous new tasks which I have readily taken on and not seen a penny for, but I am hopeful that just maybe someone will notice. For now I will dry my eyes. Take a deep breath and look toward the future hoping it is bright. And if a tree happens to start sprouting money in my yard I will nurture it like Mother Nature would.