Fractured, Broken and Shattered

I think I am feeling a little fractured today. Tomorrow mom and I go to the lawyer’s office. It always makes me feel the way you feel before going to the doctor. All tied up in knots with your stomach clenched and your heart beating like a drum. The waiting room in the lawyer’s office is like a cross between a doctor’s office and a mortuary. It is that kind of a place. I guess you don’t want your lawyer to be laughing but a little lightening of the spirit by way of room decor sure would not be a bad idea.

I am not sure what we will hear when we go. It has been a year and a half since dad was murdered…oops did I type that out loud? See my heart is racing now. I do not want to have to think about the days leading to his death. To the days they ignored his pain, the day they killed him, the days he was on a machine but really was dead. It makes me sick. I feel like I could throw up. And this is how I will feel until we walk out of that office tomorrow knowing if we are going to sue or not. I pray to God that we can do something. I want closure. I want some security for my poor mother who does not think she can buy an ice cream cone when she is out, or go to the movies because she does not have enough money to pay her bills. I want to be able to go one day without reliving all of the agony. One day without seeing my mother crying and broken.

But mostly I want the murdering bastards at DePaul Medical Center to face the fact that their carelessness resulted in a shattering of many lives because they killed a really great person – my dad.

I Find My Friends on the Internet

The Internet is an amazing thing. You can sit in your home and watch video of a woman in Britain who people laugh at when she says she wants to sing and then cheer her when she opens her mouth and a beautiful voice comes out. You can have 1 million people sign up to have someone “tweet” at them so you can be privy to their every whim every second of the day. You can watch both beauty and devastation from the recliner in your living room while you eat popcorn and play fetch with your dog.

You can escape into your screen and ignore your family and your obligations and become addicted to games about Vampires or sites like Facebook and MySpace. The computer can alienate you from your family and friends but, in some cases, it can also introduce you to people who you would NEVER meet under every day life circumstances. People who touch your heart and become your friends. I am thinking about the Internet now as I wait word from a dear friend whom I have never met. A man who is waiting for his father to die. A father who was removed from machines so that God can take charge of what is to be. Does this sound familiar to me? You bet it does.

I met JG on Facebook. It was one of those I click on someone and then click on someone else and finally somewhere down the line I wind up on a page of someone who touches something in me. This has happened a few times with MySpace too. I have made some lovely friends on MySpace who I feel are my dear friends. We cheer each other when we are down and truly care about each other. My Facebook friend I found when he had a status about his dad being sick. The “Daddy” thing totally gets my attention every time.

I have been emailing and Facebooking JG ever since. There have been many more downs then ups and then the bad news this week. It is just a matter of time. Although I have never met JG, I consider him a friend. I have been emailing him a lot the past few days because I remember vividly how it was with my dad. How alone I felt. How confused. How lost. When a few of my friends failed to show up or contact me it was a huge blow to everything that I had always believed my life to be. First my dad suffered, then he was gone and my support system was damaged. I never want anyone to go through that.

So I email my friend JG and offer a cyber hug and a typed hand to hold. Knowing that life has a way of turning on a dime. That some things you know to be true turn out to be falser than you could have thought possible. And that sometimes your support and friends come from the most unlikely of places. Like the Internet.

Easter Under The Blankets

Some days you just feel like you need to stay in bed. What is it about your bed that makes you feel safe and snug? Is it the blanket that you can pull up over your head? We all know that your blanket saves you from the monsters under your bed! Maybe it is your favorite pillow that makes it all better? I don’t know but this weekend I just wanted to stay in bed. So I did.

I guess I missed Easter. Oh well. The number of times I have gone to church since Dad died you could count on one hand. In fact you could maybe count them on one finger, no I think two. Sigh, I don’t want to be there. Dad was the church goer in our family. Sure my son went with him all the time but Dad belonged there. He never met a stranger. He loved to sit in the front row and snore through Pastor John’s sermon. But he was a church goer from long ago. One of the things that showed me true love was at the end of my 93 year old grandmother’s life. She was surrounded by dad and all of his sisters. They would gather at night and sign hymns. It was so beautiful. It was spiritual. It was holy. It was love.

I don’t find much solace at church right now. You would think after almost a year and a half that God and I would find some sort of middle ground. But I still have far more questions than I have answers. I so admire those that believe without question. The ones who feel the light and the love. When I say “Our Father” I really only think about MY father and why he is not with me. I think I believe in Heaven and that we will be together again. I want to believe it. I want to believe that my dad looks over us and knows when good things happen. That he was there in Ireland with Ryan. That he comforts mom when she cries. Maybe I am supposed to think of God like a father to me? Like my father? Oh this is not supposed to be about religion. I do not like to talk religion to anyone.

My point is. I spent Easter pretty much in bed. No Easter basket. No chocolate bunny. No ham sandwich. It was just a day. A cloudy, rainy, cold day. Not a celebration of re birth but a put your head under the blanket to keep the monsters away kind of day.
It would have been so much better with a chocolate bunny!