Send in the Clowns

In the circus when there is something gone wrong they send in the clowns. I sure could have used some clowns in my life in the past.....but now...well my son is a clown. Okay he subs as a clown. But now I know what I have always known....if there is a disaster in my life...all I need to do is call my son.

Where has the time gone? I have not been on here in a long time. Someone asked me for the web address to my blog so maybe that is the only reason I am here. Hello dear old blog that has helped me survive in my darkest hours.

My brilliant son is now working full time in Walt Disney World. He moved to Florida in March. It has been a really hard adjustment for both of us but it seems to be getting better. Thank God for Skype! This is a glorious invention where dear son and I can actually feel like we are in the same room when we talk. This has helped so much!! I can see him. I can reach out and almost touch him, my baby, the best thing in my life.

Mom moved in with us in December. Forgive me if I repeat things you already know. This has been extremely hard. Nothing in the world makes my mother happy. It is an endless struggle to not have her drag me down with her. Right now she is out of town. Visiting a friend. Wanted to stay a month. It has been 2 weeks and she has already called that she is ready to come home. SIGH. She will come back here and say that she wants to go back there, that she can go there to live. Yet when she is "there" she is miserable. I don't know why she can't see that. But then, I guess, she takes her misery with her. Time will tell if we have her move to her own retirement apartment. I think it is a great idea to give her friends and a sense of community. But it is pricey. And money is always an issue.

Word to the wise: Do not get yourself in debt so deep that you cannot see your way out.

So....life is moving right along. Every day the sun rises. Every day is a new beginning. Every day is a circus. Ya gotta smile. Be gentle.

Here I Am

Here I am. Alone. In my house. It seems odd to sit here alone. Mom is out of town visiting a friend and my son is in Florida pursuing a dream. Things are quite. I am alone with myself. I am confused. I am confident.
It feels odd yet familiar. Not sure what to think.

You Can't Go Home Again

This is my house. The house I grew up in. The house that the bank will soon take back. This is a house, but it is more. This was my home. We moved to this house the summer before I started 2nd grade. I look at this picture and I smile. I look at this house and I see my father.
My mother tried to stay here. But after 5 years the insurance money was gone. The economy has not been kind. You could not sell this house for what was owed on it. The amount is not high, not high at all. But like I said, the economy has not been kind.

My mother moved in with my son and I two months ago. She still calls the house down the street, this house, home. I wonder if she will ever call my house home? For months I spent weekends packing and moving and selling things. Watching my past walk out the door. Seeing my childhood memories through tears. I have the best friends in the world. People who had no reason to be there all the time other than their compassion and love. How can I be this lucky? I don't know, but I am grateful.

The house is empty now, just waiting for the bank to take it. This is not how this should have ended. This house did not deserve an ending like this. But maybe my father was the heart of this house? Maybe without him there it stopped being home. Looking at this picture I still see him. Cutting the grass and working in the yard. This house was a very, very, very fine house.

My Son the College Graduate

It has been almost a month since graduation. I should have posted this right away when it was all fresh and new in my head but the next day we took off for 10 days of vacation. Besides you know how I cry when I write my blog so being 1 month out might mean a few less tears. The day was filled with friends who are our family, a surprise visit from my cousin who flew in from Tennessee for the day & something missing which of course was my dad.
I am so proud of this young man whom I call my son. He has been my heart since the moment I found out he was "in the tummy". The only person who was prouder than me of this kid was my dad. He beamed talking about his grandson. He adored this child.....and I am happy to say the feeling was mutual. My son loved his gramps.
We are still at a loss as to why dad is gone. It never should have happened. It is a nightmare that we still try to wake up from.
At the University it is tradition for members of the gratuating class to ring the bell. After standing in line in the heat for a long time it was my son's turn. As we stood there waiting for him to pull the rope he did something so beautiful that we were all touched....so here....in the spirit of It's A Wonderful Life and bells ringing and angels getting wings.... is my son's dedication to his gramps. I miss you dad. Today is Father's Day and I dedicate this to you all over again. We take you with us....always.

A Blessed Easter/Passover and New Beginnings of Spring

The time of the year for rebirth and new beginnings. Maybe for my family as well. I talked to my mom today and she is ready to try to sell her house. She no longer has the need to stay there. She feels like she can leave and not be leaving my dad. She is ready to move on. With the economy and such who knows if she can sell her house at all. But talking about it is a positive step. She is going to contact a realtor and see what she can expect. At this point if she can sell it for more than she owes on it that will be a blessing. Otherwise when the money runs out she is ready to just give the loan company the keys and walk away. While we don't want her to have to do that at least she is accepting that reality and ready. I really truly believe that this time she is ready. It is time. Finally. Praying for something good to happen. It is time to move on. Time for rebirth.

Happy Easter and Passover. I remember when Easter filled me with excitement. New patent leather shoes and an Easter bonnet. Looking forward to a new Easter dress and dressing up feeling fancy. That was me when I was a child. To say I had a nice childhood would not come close. I was a princess.
Now I don't feel anything. There is no Easter outfit or bonnet.  No feeling of excitement. No Easter basket, colored eggs or chocolate bunnies to look forward to. No church service with everyone in their finery. I have not even thought about an Easter meal and it is Good Friday.
I am not sure when it all went dead to me. My faith is there; somewhere. I do believe. I think. Most of it was shattered when my dad died. Where was God then? Where is he now? I want to have the passion. I try really hard. This year I got a letter from the church I thought I belonged to. They said they were taking me off the roster because they have no record of me giving them any money in a while. I find that the basis of alot of churches...show me the money. The pastor was not there for my mom when dad died. Well, he was there that day and we had a beautiful service that weekend, but after that? He was nowhere. Nowhere when my mom needed him most. Nowhere when someone he had known for 10 years was in the pits of hell. Isn't church supposed to be a family? Taking care of you when you cannot care for yourself? We did not have that. Maybe they did not understand that we have no one but us. Maybe everyone is used to large families leaning on each other taking care and banding together.
Things are getting bad here. They have always been bad but they are getting worse. My mom is almost out of money. The loan company called her yesterday to tell her she was 2 days late with her house payment. TWO DAYS. That is crazy. But it put her in a tailspin. She worries all the time. So I worry all the time times 3.
Remember back last year when she was supposed to move in with me? Everyone hated me for that. My aunt told my mom she would love to have her over for Easter (last year) but would not invite her because I would have to bring her and she did not want me in her house? Well the other night mom tells me she should have done it. Oh sigh. I just want to go home and crawl into bed. It would be nice to crawl into bed and eat a chocolate bunny....maybe I will wait until Monday when they are on sale.
I wish you the blessings of Easter or Passover. May you know peace. May we all know peace. Please, please let us know peace♥

If Money Grew on Trees

I do not believe that money is the root of all evil.  Lack of money is. I sometimes wonder if people who make tons of money know what it is like to have nothing? Do people really understand what it means to spend millions of dollars on a house or $40,000 on a watch? I got my W2 form today. Due to furlough days and lack of raises I made $4,000 less than I did around 4 years ago. No wonder I am suffering financially. To say I was living paycheck to paycheck would be a compliment to my paycheck. My paycheck is shrinking but my bills are not. I cannot pay my monthly bills. I have no money for groceries. My knee has been giving me a lot of trouble the past several weeks but when I got my paycheck yesterday and paid what I could of my bills this morning I have no money to go to the doctor. Sure I have insurance, which I pay 25% more for than I did  few years ago, but what good is insurance if you cannot pay the co-pay and deductible?

I remember a time when I could go to the grocery store whenever I wanted to. I could browse the aisles and bring home anything I desired. I could try new things. I could make lovely meals. Now, well truth be told I rarely make a decent meal. The days of meatloaf and mashed potatoes and veggies happens so rarely that I cannot even remember how many times we ate that last year.

I am grateful for what I have. There are many who are worse off than I am. But it is hard to be in this downward spiral and not feel scared as to what the future holds. Dear son will graduate from college in May and will soon set out on his own. Right now I am depending on him to pay some of the bills. He is such a kind and generous soul. He always says take whatever you need and does not question. I feel so small when I take money from him. I am his mother. It is my responsibility to take care of him. I have told him since before birth that I will take care of him until he is grown and then it is his turn to take care of me. I just think that I should be doing the taking care of for a year or two more. He should not be taking care of me just yet.

But I will lift up my head and my heart and move on. Somehow things will work out. I only have 7 more car payments so that is something. I am praying hard that maybe this year I will get a raise. Fingers crossed on that one. I have been working so hard and have been given numerous new tasks which I have readily taken on and not seen a penny for, but I am hopeful that just maybe someone will notice. For now I will dry my eyes. Take a deep breath and look toward the future hoping it is bright. And if a tree happens to start sprouting money in my yard I will nurture it like Mother Nature would.

Happy 2012?

Today is the first day of the year 2012. For whatever reason I am sad. I woke up this morning just fine. It is windy and cold but the sun is shining and I have the day off work. The Christmas tree is down, the decorations are boxed up. The Son and I have ideas of things we want to do around the house. It was a good morning. The Son had to get up early to go to work and even then I was fine. But some how I got to checking the Internet to write down the date of Son's graduation from college. And there they came....the tears. I know I don't appear to be, to the outside world and those who do not read this blog, someone who ever cries or cares. But I cry a lot.  I get so tired and bogged down with the appearance that everything is fine that sometimes I feel like I am drowning so here I sit at a keyboard where in the private anonymity I can pour out my heart and cry. But you knew that.

Today is just one of those days. I guess I have the blues again. Even the holiday movies that are still on are making me depressed. Stop showing me how people fall in love in 2 hours Hallmark Movies!! I have not had a date in years, my son's girlfriend broke up with him and is in a new relationship after only 3 weeks that is splashed in all its glory across Facebook, which seems to hurt my feelings way more than my son's but he is a fine actor so I worry about that too.

My mother calls me and my mood is always shot to heck with that one. It is not so much what she says as in how she says it. It is always so full of acid and attitude. I don't know why she can't just talk instead of preach and reprimand. If she could just not be hateful to me life would be so good. Again and again I have to apologize for anything I say that is unflattering about her. I love her. I know she is still going through hell. I know she is lonely. But every single thing I try to do to help her she throws in my face. I hope no one she  knows reads this but I have a sneaking suspicion that some do. She has told me before that people tell her I say hateful things about her on the Internet and once my aunt told her that she would like to ask her over for Easter but she couldn't because she did not want me in her house. Nice family love, thank you so much......but today my purpose is not in defending myself as a daughter or I will certainly just feel worse.

I need to pull it together. I need to stop sitting here crying to a computer screen. There are boxes to put away. There is a kitchen to clean. Tomorrow is my last day off from this Christmas vacation I have taken so I need to wash some clothes. I need to get out of this mood. This is only the first day of the year and already it has to get better?? Maybe this is better than starting on a good point and having it all go down hill? This is the 5th New Year's Day without my dad. That has not gotten better. Or easier. But I have to believe that this weill be a good year. This will be the year that things turn around. Happiness and good health and love and well being. The year when things are good. ♥

Christmas 2011 - That's a wrap.

Tonight is Dec 30 and I am taking down the Christmas decorations. We usually wait until New Year's day but well...I am ready to take them down and start anew. Son was working all the time this Christmas holiday. Between full time school, 2 part time jobs, 2 side gigs, and play rehearsal, I barely saw the kid. He even made more money than I did this month and I have a full time job. This is just proof that I am being taken advantage of where I work!!! Also reason for him being so tired.

It was a nice, quite Christmas. We did not exchange presents because there was no money, but that just made me realize how overboard people go with the holiday. The reason for the season is not about presents but until you stop with the presents you don't believe that.

So the Christmas decorations are going back in their boxes and bags. The magic is over one more time.

Hope it was a merry one for you. God bless us every one!

Have a Holly Jolly Christmas

♪♫♪♫It's the most wonderful time of the year ♫♪♫♪ Merry Christmas. I hope this finds you well. It has been a nice holiday season here. The weather has been unexpectedly nice. Warmer than last year which was a real stinker of ice and snow and cold. I was off work today as an extra day off work gave us. Some say it is because some staff have to work New Year's Day. Who knows. It could be because there is nothing in the building because of construction. It could be because they took 2 years worth of furlough days from us. I have no idea. I am not going to question it. I am just enjoying it!!

So with the extra day off and our holiday tomorrow and Monday and the day after New Years I will only be working 1 day next week. Which means I am off 10 of the next 11 days. I will not feel like going back to work after that I am afraid.

This year we have decided to not give presents. I feel bad when someone gives me a gift and I have nothing to give them back. But I have no money. I keep waiting for it all to turn around for me but so far we are still heading in the same direction. I still cry when I go to the grocery store. I still freak out when I try to pay bills. I spend some time one step ahead of having something shut off. I try not to let it get to me. But it is hard. I will not lie that I feel pangs of jealousy when people talk about taking trips or buying $135 boots for Christmas and I know that I will sit in my house and not have a thing to give my son or my mother. But in other ways it only shows me how obscene the gift giving can get. Do you monitor your love by how much you spend on someone? It almost seems that way to me. The 3 of us will have a nice meal and that will be that. Really what more do you need than to be together?

I still worry about my mother. This coming year she will either get money from her law suit or she will have to leave her house. Her money is almost gone. I am not sure what she is thinking. I tried to have her move in here and that did not happen but soon she will not have a choice. She will not have the money to stay in her house. I pray every day that she gets the closure she deserves from this lawsuit. She does not need to get rich. She just needs to have the money to live her simple life without fear. And to win the law suit would give her the greatest vindication that my father's death was needless and preventable. But all in all she is doing so much better than she has in the past.

Dear son has been so busy that I rarely see him. He is working all the time. It seems like he walks in the door and crawls into bed only to wake up and go all over again in a few short hours. He is exhausted but doing well. Working 2 jobs, full time college student, shooting a scene in a film, working a holiday party, rehearsing a musical. You could say he was a LITTLE busy. I am always so proud of him. It is a blessing that he understands the money and no presents thing. He grew up with mountains of gifts and yearly trips to Walt Disney World. I wonder what he really must be thinking. Bless his heart. He is a good guy.

Me? I have been working and coming home. Same old thing. Not exciting but okay I think.

Please let me take this time to wish you a joyous holiday season celebrating whatever holiday  you enjoy. This is the time of year when families gather and love is shared. May you feel the love surround you and may everything you put out into the universe come back to you in abundance. ♥ And dad...you are forever in our thoughts.

The Dark Days part 4

Four years ago I was going to a hospital to see my dad hooked up to machines. Lying there. There but not there. Gone but not gone. My dad but not my dad. God how did we ever make it through those days? I think most of that time was spent in shock. Shock and horror. Life changes in the blink of an eye.

Now, four years later, I no longer really feel the "20s" which were the days of the month that I relived everything. The 20's are just days of the month now. But I won't lie, Thanksgiving is still really hard. The last holiday we celebrated. The last meal we had as a family was the Sunday we celebrated Thanksgiving because dad would be in the hospital on the actual day. Thanksgiving 4 years ago was the last good day my dad had. He ate a good meal and walked all over the ICU. He was great that day. And that was the last day he was his old self. The next day he was in pain and then 3 days later, on the day he was to come home, they killed him. He spent 4 days on machines until Nov 29.

Sometimes I just need to get it out. I need to hash it all again. This is the week that makes the most sense. The rest of the year I try to honor my dad by living the best life I can. I wonder if he would be happy with how we are? I know he would be so proud of his grandson! He would be sad to see how we are all suffering financially. That would be hard for him to handle. He would be proud of my mom bravely taking steps every day. Hanging on the best she can. 

On this fourth anniversary of the end, my mind is like a movie where you have the flash back scene. Like in a Christmas Carol where Scrooge is standing in the room in the past and no one sees him. I am like that. Standing in the rooms. No one sees me but I am there. Seeing it all again. But it is time now to put it all away. Pack it away way in the back of my mind. I always think if I have enough good pictures in my memory the bad ones will just fade away.

So dad. I love you. And I can see you on your lawn mower where you were always happy. This is the picture I will carry with me.

Happy Birthday to Me

Today is my birthday. I have never been one of those people who makes a big deal about their birthday. There are some people who celebrate for a week or a month. That is not me. I can't really explain it but mostly my birthday makes me a little sad. Just like Christmas. Not sure what is wrong with me. I have been feeling melancholy lately. It could be the pressure at work, the lack of money. Maybe it is everything. It has been a hard few months, years for me.

But I am truly blessed to have lovely people in my life. My friends I have never met on Facebook, my real friends & family sent me good wishes on line. My neighbor brought me flowers and cupcakes, my son gave me a gift I had mentioned the other day that I wanted and pumpkin pie! Plus I went to lunch with my best friend and my mom. It was a good day.

 I need to shake this listless melancholy. It is not pretty or fun. I need to know that I have many friends and kind people in my life. Thanks to my friends who help me get through the day even if they don't realize all that they do for me.. And to Mary who has always been my best friend and has the grace of an  angel. 

Sometimes I Am Like My Dad

I was just in the kitchen at work making myself a glass of iced tea. I like it weak. You know a little tea, a lot of water. Someone walked in the kitchen and saw me putting water in my tea and said "Oh no, you drink tea just like your dad!" Well, this made me smile. Yep I drink my iced tea just like my dad! It was nice that someone thought of him today. Here's too you dad, and our weak tea! Cheers!

Age is Just a Number So Laugh!

I was sitting here today thinking that in a few short weeks I will be 55 years old. OUCH even to type it seems like there is some mistake. That number is so high. I honestly feel about 18 years old, in my head anyway not so much the old body. I can still vividly see Mary and I walking to the store or to a boy's house. Well, things WERE simpler back then.


I remember my dad's 55th birthday. I typed that number again and still think it is a mistake. Dad had a big bbq on his birthday. It was in our backyard. We had family and friends over. I think he wore his dirty bird shirt the one that looks like a seagull flew over him and well...you know...got his shirt dirty. He loved that shirt. He wore it everywhere. I will admit it was a little funny to see people's faces when he would walk into a store somewhere with that shirt on. Embarrassing but funny that pretty much was my dad. 


For my birthday, of that certain number, I will most likely do nothing. Where dad would always invite people over for dinner or take them out for his birthday I have no bbq pit & patio for fine outdoor parties, plus it is not the middle of summer. I have no money to take people out for dinner. I have no money to take myself out for dinner. Oh I am not complaining again about lack of money. That one needs no explanation. I am simply saying that while in some ways I am my father's daughter there are many ways that we are different.


I close my eyes and see my dad at 55 wearing that silly shirt,laughing. I see myself at 55 and I am not. Maybe I should fix that. Maybe I should go out and buy myself some embarrassing shirt. If I lived on a beach I could stand there and see if the seagulls have a good aim!! I bet my dad would get a kick out of that! 


So lighten up old girl. Life is what you make it so you should make it something that you can laugh at and smile. Don't take things so seriously. Age is just a number and if the memory of your dad standing in the backyard laughing on his 55th birthday makes you smile then you can make it too!

Happy Birthday Daddy

Once upon a time my dad was a Park Ranger. His nick name was Smokey. It fit him. He was a big old cuddly teddy bear. He was grumpy on the outside and a cream puff on the inside. When I was scared or sad a hug from my dad would make my world feel safe and secure. I have said it before but life without him is like freefalling without a net. It is sad. It is scary. It is no fun.

Today is my Dad's birthday. If he were still here he would be 79 years old today. He has been gone 3.5 years now. In some ways it feels like it has only been days. In other ways it feels like he is not gone. Some days I still think I will look out the door and see him cutting grass. Some days I have to remind myself that he is not here. It is still hard. I thought that by now I would be used to the new normal of a life without my dad but that has not happened yet. It is so hard.

You know how people take someone out for dinner for their birthday? Well my dad used to take a bunch of people out and pay for THEIR dinners on HIS birthday. He was that kind of a guy. He was great. He was my hero........
Happy Birthday Dad. I love you.
I am Smokey's daughter and I am still heartbroken.

Finally Waking Up?

When last I posted we were getting ready for my mom to go to the lawyer's office to give her deposition about the day those murdering incompetents killed my father....I mean she was about to give a deposition about the day my dad was mistakenly murdered but then brought back to go on life support.....no I mean she was going in to give a deposition about the day my father died. Well you get the idea.
My mother has lived for three and a half years with this imagine always in front of her. It does not matter if her eyes are open or closed, she lives this moment over and over again. Like the movie Groundhog Day. It is the same thing every single day. But there is never any lesson learned. Never an improvement the next day. The outcome is always the same and it is terrifying and heartbreaking.

After giving her deposition I think that maybe she can finally let it go a little bit. I know she did not want to forget anything when it came time to tell her story. But 3+ years is far too long to relive this moment. It has put her in a Sleeping Beauty like state where she has been stuck in 2007 even though the world has moved on.
Finally now she seems to be waking up. Seems to be noticing things for the very first time that I have been telling her for YEARS! Things that needed her attention but she was in suspended animation and unable to realize what was happening. It is as if she has been sleep walking through life these past years.

Now she can let the movie in her head slip away a little bit. Now she can take care of business that always needed taking care of but she was unable to see. At least I hope that is happening.

There are still more dark moments than light ones. But every now and then..I actually SEE my mother in there...in the predawn hours, just starting to wake up.

Deposition

Well, mom just got a letter from the lawyer that she is to be in his office next Wednesday to give a deposition. Could we finally be moving on this? My mom is so fragile at this moment. I pray that they do not try to mix her up or make her say something that she should not. But that should not be a worry. She has relived my dad's death for the last 3+ years. She should recall every horrible moment as if it is happening right before her. Because for her, it still is.
I humbly request prayers for all of us, but most importantly for mom.
Dad? Could you please send us your strength? I would appreciate that so much.
I am going home to make a sock puppet....just in case it is needed too.

From a Distance

I think one of the things that makes me so frustrated with my mom is that she does not appreciate the joyous gift of health that she is lucky enough to have. She can walk, and see, and hear, and drive. How many are out there who would give a day of their lives to be able to do any of these things much less ALL of them? My mom chooses to sit on a sofa and watch TV. All day. Every day. Every night. Always. And that is all.

I know she figures that she is healthy enough to live on her own. But really, is sitting there vegetating in front of a TV really living? I suppose I could say the same about my hours at a computer. But at least I am attempting to communicate with the world. Not just numb my mind and weaken my body. I am so aggravated with her total lack of ....life.

She is wasting away. She is wasting a life. So I am going to have to distance myself from her. It is for the best. She will get what she wants, to sit. And I can try to save my sanity and that of my dear son. I will let her sit but I will no longer let myself get pulled into her negativity.

I have tried for 3 years. I have tried to take care of her. To help her. To guide her. But she wants none of it. She is stubborn and prefers to sit and I guess wait to either lose her house or to die or for the next TV show or ball game to start. My beloved son the other night told me that he is the unhappiest he has been in his whole life except for when my dad died. How is that possible? How can the negative invade another life? I think it is easy. Because it is happening with us.

She is HEALTHY that is the kicker. If she were sick or out of her mind I could accept the sitting and not wanting to be a part of the world.I wish she tried. I wish she went out. My father was busy all the time. He was always in the middle of one project or another. Constantly in motion. Mom is the opposite of that. Anti motion. If mom gardened or read a book it would be great. But she sits. Perfectly content to let another beautiful day come and go without being part of it. Her mind and body are fine. She chooses not to use either. Watching TV makes her happy so who am I to tell her she should be embracing life? She should be living? And so even though I still care more than she will ever understand. I am going to be doing it....from a distance. So I do not have to cry when I see her lose one more day.

I Feel Better Since I've Given Up Hope

Sometimes you just can no longer fight the fight and you give up. That is how I am feeling today after dealing with my mom. I am defeated. Everything I ever try to do is wrong. You can only hear it for 50+ years before you finally just say ok and give it up. I once had a pin that said “I feel much better since I’ve given up hope” funny how I think of that now. If I find that button I think I am going to wear it. Somehow things do seem a little sunnier since I have given up.

My dad died 3 years 4 months and 14 days ago. It has been hard, very hard. If you have lost a loved one suddenly you understand. Even if your loss was not sudden you understand. My father did literally everything for my mom. She wanted for nothing. It was all handed to her. If she wanted to go somewhere they went. Eat something they ate. Buy something it was bought. She only had to think about it and it happened. Unfortunately my father who provided so well in life did not have the papers in place in death that he thought. He was supposed to have a policy that would give mom a check every month for the rest of her life. It would have kept her monthly income at what it was when dad was here. But somehow it was not set up that way. Instead of monthly security she got a very small lump sum of money. That money has dwindled the past 3 year until it is nearly gone. In an effort to keep my mom in the house she shared with dad she needed to come up with something.

I have a friend C, he is at a tough place in his life. C’s mom passed away last summer after many years of illness. He took care of her for most of his adult life. It was the only life he knew. Now that his mom is gone he is living in the middle of nowhere which is where she wanted to be. In this age of rising gas prices and, well, everything going up, it was hard for him to stay there. He needed to get somewhere closer to civilization and find a job. Eventually he would like to move to Florida (well, who doesn’t want to do that?) so he was looking for somewhere to live for a few months. The solution presented itself that he would rent mom’s house and mom would move in with dear son and I for four months. That will give C time to get it together and mom four months of not taking preciously shrinking money out of the bank to pay house payment and some bills. This has been the plan since December.

All was well…until yesterday. Mom came home Sunday from visit with friend in another city. To say that friend has some influences in what mom thinks would not be a lie. I will not elaborate but I just think that sometimes it is not a good idea to let your thoughts come from someone else’s opinion. So mom comes home with ideas that the lawyers don’t know what they are doing and that she is not moving in with me. Things just spiraled out of control from there. Mind you C has no idea that mom is thinking about pulling the house out from under him as he has not been in touch with me in over 2 weeks, although he has given us money for April and moved in some of this things. He has never spent the night in the house or even spent more than a few minutes there.

Yesterday mom goes home. Sits there all day crying and saying she wants to die and watching TV. She enjoys watching TV. She watches it all the time. I tried to get her to use a computer, go on FB, make friends all over the world. But she cannot figure that out. TV, that she can figure out. It might be good for her if she cooked or shopped or took a walk. She could go to the library, a movie, work in the yard. Sitting watching the TV is a lot like fading away.

I know she is lost. I know it sucks. I am trying to help. I know I cannot. If I could bring dad back I would. If I could be a better daughter I would. I wonder if maybe if I was on TV mom would understand. So today I give up. I have decided to star in my own show, I think God may have a starring role. I think I shall call this show "Giving it Up to God" It might be a big hit. I hope it runs for years!

Stressed is Just Desserts Spelled Backwards

Hello world. Have a nice day....yeah sure. BLAH!

I have decided that it quite possibly may be the stress that keeps me standing. If I were ever to actually relax I would probably fall on the ground. What do people do when they have others to help them? What is it like to have someone take care of you? Is it wonderful? Is it horrible?

Is it even possible??

My mother is moving in with son and I. She has known this for months. I have been taking boxes to her telling her that all she needs to do is fill one small copy paper box with stuff each day. ONE BOX a day. She has weeks to do this. WEEKS. Last week she headed off to Salt Lake City to visit a friend. I took a week's vacation to move her stuff to my house and get her room all settled. Did she pack stuff up?? Do you think she did? She had weeks afterall. And only needed to pack one small box a day. Of course NOT. She did not pack even a sock. NOTHING. So who does this exhausting task fall to? Yep the Queen of Stress. It is so frustrating. I am so tired of taking care of everyone. I know I am pouty but hey what about ME?? Oh sigh.

Days of vacation wasted in packing up boxes and moving furniture. Aching backs and sheer exhaustion. Plus she is not selling the house or anything. Simply staying with me for a few months while a friend rents her house out furnished. If I started screaming it would not be pretty.

Yesterday I get in her car only to notice that she needed an oil change in OCTOBER!!

What?!?! Seriously? Who has to find the time by taking another day off to take care of this?? Oh yeah, ME!

Dear son was a huge help the week of my vacation. He moved heavy boxes and furniture. Did a lot of cleaning and clearing but, he is young and cannot keep this good behavior up forever. He has now reverted to the " I only have time for my own stuff" young man that we know and love. That is fine. He should not have to be the one to take care of everything.

I am sorry. I just need a minute.Everytime I come on here it seems it is just to complain about how life is unfair to me. It is all about me afterall. Yeah sure. Pass me some desserts before I relax and fall down!!