From a Distance

I think one of the things that makes me so frustrated with my mom is that she does not appreciate the joyous gift of health that she is lucky enough to have. She can walk, and see, and hear, and drive. How many are out there who would give a day of their lives to be able to do any of these things much less ALL of them? My mom chooses to sit on a sofa and watch TV. All day. Every day. Every night. Always. And that is all.

I know she figures that she is healthy enough to live on her own. But really, is sitting there vegetating in front of a TV really living? I suppose I could say the same about my hours at a computer. But at least I am attempting to communicate with the world. Not just numb my mind and weaken my body. I am so aggravated with her total lack of ....life.

She is wasting away. She is wasting a life. So I am going to have to distance myself from her. It is for the best. She will get what she wants, to sit. And I can try to save my sanity and that of my dear son. I will let her sit but I will no longer let myself get pulled into her negativity.

I have tried for 3 years. I have tried to take care of her. To help her. To guide her. But she wants none of it. She is stubborn and prefers to sit and I guess wait to either lose her house or to die or for the next TV show or ball game to start. My beloved son the other night told me that he is the unhappiest he has been in his whole life except for when my dad died. How is that possible? How can the negative invade another life? I think it is easy. Because it is happening with us.

She is HEALTHY that is the kicker. If she were sick or out of her mind I could accept the sitting and not wanting to be a part of the world.I wish she tried. I wish she went out. My father was busy all the time. He was always in the middle of one project or another. Constantly in motion. Mom is the opposite of that. Anti motion. If mom gardened or read a book it would be great. But she sits. Perfectly content to let another beautiful day come and go without being part of it. Her mind and body are fine. She chooses not to use either. Watching TV makes her happy so who am I to tell her she should be embracing life? She should be living? And so even though I still care more than she will ever understand. I am going to be doing it....from a distance. So I do not have to cry when I see her lose one more day.