Happy 2012?

Today is the first day of the year 2012. For whatever reason I am sad. I woke up this morning just fine. It is windy and cold but the sun is shining and I have the day off work. The Christmas tree is down, the decorations are boxed up. The Son and I have ideas of things we want to do around the house. It was a good morning. The Son had to get up early to go to work and even then I was fine. But some how I got to checking the Internet to write down the date of Son's graduation from college. And there they came....the tears. I know I don't appear to be, to the outside world and those who do not read this blog, someone who ever cries or cares. But I cry a lot.  I get so tired and bogged down with the appearance that everything is fine that sometimes I feel like I am drowning so here I sit at a keyboard where in the private anonymity I can pour out my heart and cry. But you knew that.

Today is just one of those days. I guess I have the blues again. Even the holiday movies that are still on are making me depressed. Stop showing me how people fall in love in 2 hours Hallmark Movies!! I have not had a date in years, my son's girlfriend broke up with him and is in a new relationship after only 3 weeks that is splashed in all its glory across Facebook, which seems to hurt my feelings way more than my son's but he is a fine actor so I worry about that too.

My mother calls me and my mood is always shot to heck with that one. It is not so much what she says as in how she says it. It is always so full of acid and attitude. I don't know why she can't just talk instead of preach and reprimand. If she could just not be hateful to me life would be so good. Again and again I have to apologize for anything I say that is unflattering about her. I love her. I know she is still going through hell. I know she is lonely. But every single thing I try to do to help her she throws in my face. I hope no one she  knows reads this but I have a sneaking suspicion that some do. She has told me before that people tell her I say hateful things about her on the Internet and once my aunt told her that she would like to ask her over for Easter but she couldn't because she did not want me in her house. Nice family love, thank you so much......but today my purpose is not in defending myself as a daughter or I will certainly just feel worse.

I need to pull it together. I need to stop sitting here crying to a computer screen. There are boxes to put away. There is a kitchen to clean. Tomorrow is my last day off from this Christmas vacation I have taken so I need to wash some clothes. I need to get out of this mood. This is only the first day of the year and already it has to get better?? Maybe this is better than starting on a good point and having it all go down hill? This is the 5th New Year's Day without my dad. That has not gotten better. Or easier. But I have to believe that this weill be a good year. This will be the year that things turn around. Happiness and good health and love and well being. The year when things are good. ♥