The Dark Days part 4

Four years ago I was going to a hospital to see my dad hooked up to machines. Lying there. There but not there. Gone but not gone. My dad but not my dad. God how did we ever make it through those days? I think most of that time was spent in shock. Shock and horror. Life changes in the blink of an eye.

Now, four years later, I no longer really feel the "20s" which were the days of the month that I relived everything. The 20's are just days of the month now. But I won't lie, Thanksgiving is still really hard. The last holiday we celebrated. The last meal we had as a family was the Sunday we celebrated Thanksgiving because dad would be in the hospital on the actual day. Thanksgiving 4 years ago was the last good day my dad had. He ate a good meal and walked all over the ICU. He was great that day. And that was the last day he was his old self. The next day he was in pain and then 3 days later, on the day he was to come home, they killed him. He spent 4 days on machines until Nov 29.

Sometimes I just need to get it out. I need to hash it all again. This is the week that makes the most sense. The rest of the year I try to honor my dad by living the best life I can. I wonder if he would be happy with how we are? I know he would be so proud of his grandson! He would be sad to see how we are all suffering financially. That would be hard for him to handle. He would be proud of my mom bravely taking steps every day. Hanging on the best she can. 

On this fourth anniversary of the end, my mind is like a movie where you have the flash back scene. Like in a Christmas Carol where Scrooge is standing in the room in the past and no one sees him. I am like that. Standing in the rooms. No one sees me but I am there. Seeing it all again. But it is time now to put it all away. Pack it away way in the back of my mind. I always think if I have enough good pictures in my memory the bad ones will just fade away.

So dad. I love you. And I can see you on your lawn mower where you were always happy. This is the picture I will carry with me.

Happy Birthday to Me

Today is my birthday. I have never been one of those people who makes a big deal about their birthday. There are some people who celebrate for a week or a month. That is not me. I can't really explain it but mostly my birthday makes me a little sad. Just like Christmas. Not sure what is wrong with me. I have been feeling melancholy lately. It could be the pressure at work, the lack of money. Maybe it is everything. It has been a hard few months, years for me.

But I am truly blessed to have lovely people in my life. My friends I have never met on Facebook, my real friends & family sent me good wishes on line. My neighbor brought me flowers and cupcakes, my son gave me a gift I had mentioned the other day that I wanted and pumpkin pie! Plus I went to lunch with my best friend and my mom. It was a good day.

 I need to shake this listless melancholy. It is not pretty or fun. I need to know that I have many friends and kind people in my life. Thanks to my friends who help me get through the day even if they don't realize all that they do for me.. And to Mary who has always been my best friend and has the grace of an  angel. 

Sometimes I Am Like My Dad

I was just in the kitchen at work making myself a glass of iced tea. I like it weak. You know a little tea, a lot of water. Someone walked in the kitchen and saw me putting water in my tea and said "Oh no, you drink tea just like your dad!" Well, this made me smile. Yep I drink my iced tea just like my dad! It was nice that someone thought of him today. Here's too you dad, and our weak tea! Cheers!

Age is Just a Number So Laugh!

I was sitting here today thinking that in a few short weeks I will be 55 years old. OUCH even to type it seems like there is some mistake. That number is so high. I honestly feel about 18 years old, in my head anyway not so much the old body. I can still vividly see Mary and I walking to the store or to a boy's house. Well, things WERE simpler back then.


I remember my dad's 55th birthday. I typed that number again and still think it is a mistake. Dad had a big bbq on his birthday. It was in our backyard. We had family and friends over. I think he wore his dirty bird shirt the one that looks like a seagull flew over him and well...you know...got his shirt dirty. He loved that shirt. He wore it everywhere. I will admit it was a little funny to see people's faces when he would walk into a store somewhere with that shirt on. Embarrassing but funny that pretty much was my dad. 


For my birthday, of that certain number, I will most likely do nothing. Where dad would always invite people over for dinner or take them out for his birthday I have no bbq pit & patio for fine outdoor parties, plus it is not the middle of summer. I have no money to take people out for dinner. I have no money to take myself out for dinner. Oh I am not complaining again about lack of money. That one needs no explanation. I am simply saying that while in some ways I am my father's daughter there are many ways that we are different.


I close my eyes and see my dad at 55 wearing that silly shirt,laughing. I see myself at 55 and I am not. Maybe I should fix that. Maybe I should go out and buy myself some embarrassing shirt. If I lived on a beach I could stand there and see if the seagulls have a good aim!! I bet my dad would get a kick out of that! 


So lighten up old girl. Life is what you make it so you should make it something that you can laugh at and smile. Don't take things so seriously. Age is just a number and if the memory of your dad standing in the backyard laughing on his 55th birthday makes you smile then you can make it too!

Happy Birthday Daddy

Once upon a time my dad was a Park Ranger. His nick name was Smokey. It fit him. He was a big old cuddly teddy bear. He was grumpy on the outside and a cream puff on the inside. When I was scared or sad a hug from my dad would make my world feel safe and secure. I have said it before but life without him is like freefalling without a net. It is sad. It is scary. It is no fun.

Today is my Dad's birthday. If he were still here he would be 79 years old today. He has been gone 3.5 years now. In some ways it feels like it has only been days. In other ways it feels like he is not gone. Some days I still think I will look out the door and see him cutting grass. Some days I have to remind myself that he is not here. It is still hard. I thought that by now I would be used to the new normal of a life without my dad but that has not happened yet. It is so hard.

You know how people take someone out for dinner for their birthday? Well my dad used to take a bunch of people out and pay for THEIR dinners on HIS birthday. He was that kind of a guy. He was great. He was my hero........
Happy Birthday Dad. I love you.
I am Smokey's daughter and I am still heartbroken.

Finally Waking Up?

When last I posted we were getting ready for my mom to go to the lawyer's office to give her deposition about the day those murdering incompetents killed my father....I mean she was about to give a deposition about the day my dad was mistakenly murdered but then brought back to go on life support.....no I mean she was going in to give a deposition about the day my father died. Well you get the idea.
My mother has lived for three and a half years with this imagine always in front of her. It does not matter if her eyes are open or closed, she lives this moment over and over again. Like the movie Groundhog Day. It is the same thing every single day. But there is never any lesson learned. Never an improvement the next day. The outcome is always the same and it is terrifying and heartbreaking.

After giving her deposition I think that maybe she can finally let it go a little bit. I know she did not want to forget anything when it came time to tell her story. But 3+ years is far too long to relive this moment. It has put her in a Sleeping Beauty like state where she has been stuck in 2007 even though the world has moved on.
Finally now she seems to be waking up. Seems to be noticing things for the very first time that I have been telling her for YEARS! Things that needed her attention but she was in suspended animation and unable to realize what was happening. It is as if she has been sleep walking through life these past years.

Now she can let the movie in her head slip away a little bit. Now she can take care of business that always needed taking care of but she was unable to see. At least I hope that is happening.

There are still more dark moments than light ones. But every now and then..I actually SEE my mother in there...in the predawn hours, just starting to wake up.

Deposition

Well, mom just got a letter from the lawyer that she is to be in his office next Wednesday to give a deposition. Could we finally be moving on this? My mom is so fragile at this moment. I pray that they do not try to mix her up or make her say something that she should not. But that should not be a worry. She has relived my dad's death for the last 3+ years. She should recall every horrible moment as if it is happening right before her. Because for her, it still is.
I humbly request prayers for all of us, but most importantly for mom.
Dad? Could you please send us your strength? I would appreciate that so much.
I am going home to make a sock puppet....just in case it is needed too.