One Year Without My Dad

To the left is the last picture of my dad. It was taken 2 days before Dad had surgery. It was the Sunday the week of Thanksgiving and since he would be in the hospital for Thanksgiving we had our meal that day. This is the most painful picture for me to look at. I have lots of pictures of him but this one hurts me. I guess because it is the last. I look at us and know that we have no idea what was in store. Ignorance is bliss. If you could know what the future has in store would you want to? I say no.

One year ago today we lost my dad. It is not as if we misplaced him. Lost sounds like we were careless and don't remember where we left him. It has been a goal to reach this one year milestone. It has been a hard earned path to this victory. Even now I sit and watch the Christmas movies that I watched last year. Tonight White Christmas is on. I remember that dad and I watched that movie last year. I am not going to watch it tonight. I am not sure I could. But I am taping it to the DVR to watch sometime in the next few weeks.

I know that the official date of dad's "loss" is Nov. 29, 2007 but I also know the real date he left us was Nov. 26. That day, for me, was harder than today. I found myself the entire day on the 25th reminding myself that one year ago was the last time I saw my father alive. I remember what I said or at least I try to. I remember that I just wanted to get him home out of that awful hospital where we could love him and care for him.

For a year I have carried with me the burden of lost moments. I was the one who kept insisting that we needed to let him rest. That although they let people in ICU now days we should keep our visits short so he could sleep and get strong and come home. I have punished myself over and over with the guilt of time. Why didn't I see it? Why didn't I realize that it was the last chance? I thought I was doing right. I thought I was helping him. For a year I have seen daily this precious time that I did not allow us to have with him. This was my fault. Mine alone. I thought we had time...but we did not.

I cry for the man my son has become this last year. The pain that he hides. The maturity he has gained. I cry the tears my dad would have cried. The pride he always had in him that only now would be intensified a thousand times with High School honors, his first semester of college and finally getting that drivers license.

I cry for my mom who has been to hell and half way back. The loss of her best friend, her protector, the love of her life. How hard it has been for her. She has taken great strides the past few months and is finally feeling the sun again even though she is still lost without dad.

I cry most for me. For the little girl I will always be inside but no longer outside. I cry for the love I have lost, the love that only a father can have for his little girl. I will never feel that love again. I will never feel that safe again. And I cry those tears of lost moments from a year ago when a little girl only wanted what was best for her daddy but wound up instead leaving him alone those precious last days that would lead to the end.

But we bravely head into the 2nd year without my dad. Wiser people than I have told me that the "year of firsts" is the hardest and that now it will still be hard but not in the same way the first year was. My son will grow even more confident and independent. My mother will learn to walk a little farther. And I will live with the personal guilt that I could have had more time with my dad..if only..but I will try to be kinder to myself about that, if I can.

My son's birthday

Today is my son's 19th birthday. As I sat on the sofa at mom's I started to tear up. This was the exact spot my father sat 19 years and 1 day ago when he came home from work at midnight and I came in and told him I was in labor. This is where he sat and called out the time of my contractions so I would know when they were almost over. I miss my dad.
I had back labor the entire time and my mom and dad were there rubbing my back for hours. They were with me every second in the hospital. I could not ask for better parents.
I was 33 and unmarried when I was pregnant and they never passed judgement on me. I was not a kid, I had a job, but it still meant the world to me that they were not ashamed of me.
My father was over the moon with pride in my son. I know that he helped my son become the hard working, caring young man that he is. I know my dad is smiling down on us right now. But I really wish he were still here in person. I love you dad and I still need you.

Hospital reports and money fears

Well, last week Mom mom received the hospital reports from the lawyer and she and Pastor John sat down and went over them. That was nice of him to help her out. We were supposed to go to the lawyers office this week but that was cancelled and now we are meeting with them November 5th. I just pray that something can be done. I have not read the reports but understand that the hospital dropped the ball a couple of times regarding things that were supposed to be done but were not. I am not sure what will happen. I cannot even think what will happen to mom if nothing can be done. I won't go there. I realize that money would not bring my dad back to life but it would give my mother a life to live. She cries all the time. She is so afraid that she has no money. She is now living on $1,000 a month. Could YOU do that? This is 50% less than what was coming in when dad was alive. What do you tell her to do? Sell the house in this market? And what would she get? Surely not enough to start a new home even in a small apartment. We just have to believe that something can be done. It still hurts me to think about what happened and how something clearly could have been done to save my father's life. There were so many signs that something was wrong but no one cared enough.
So, that is where we stand now. I am looking forward to putting this all in the hands of someone and getting on with life. Grateful for prayers and for the comfort of friends.
It will be 11 months next week. Can that be true?

Family Reunions Were Better Than Christmas To My Dad

It has been so long since I have sat down to write here. I am not sure what the reason is....
I need to get back to it.....hello to anyone who comes here to see what is going on....
I am copying to here an email I sent to my family about our reunion yesterday....it is a start...

Yesterday mom and I went to the reunion in Washington, MO. The weather was good, cloudy but not too hot or too cold, the food was plentiful and wonderful as always, the company was loving and welcoming... ..here is how we happened to attend something that my mom has been saying for MONTHS she would not attend....

Mom was pretty adamant about NOT attending because she thought it would be too hard to go since the reunion was like Christmas to my dad. He talked about it all year long.....he loved his family more than anything and this was the chance to have most of them in one place....... .okay, I will admit I cried while typing that.
We go on......

I had asked mom earlier in the week again if she wanted to go and she said no. I told her that I thought we should go because of how much dad loved the reunion and she said she could not go.....I said mom, say you don't want to go...but not that you cannot go....because you can do anything you set your mind to! :o) She did not want to go.

Yesterday while "Internet talking" to Karla I told her I was going to call mom one more time and see if I could get her to go.....when I called mom she said that she had been thinking about going...that she woke up crying and thought she needed to be around people. Well, I thought, what better people than people who loved dad too!!

So off we went. I am so glad that she decided to go. Sure it was hard...you know how dad was organized and kept things rolling.. (a few times I found myself looking around for him when people would ask about the silent action...remember how he would climb up on the bench and yell how much time was left?)...but we had a good time!!
Special thanks to Aunt Peggy for the beautiful prayer which was the only time all day that I cried. After 10 months there are times when it is like it happened yesterday but other times when there is just a warm glow and I know that dad is still with me......

I am so grateful that last year there were so many of us at the reunion. That was so special and meant so much to dad. Little did we know......
but the memories are there forever!!!

Ricky Wright was there yesterday but I did not get to see him because he went home to rest. He has had such a hard year. Please keep him in your prayers. He has completed this round of chemo and goes in later this month to see if the tumor has shrunk. I am sure he is still grieving the loss of his sweet wife Teresa. Prayers to him!

Family means everything. So if there is a reunion in your future you should attend! It is always a blessing to stay connected to your roots.....and there is always good food!!
But I do have to tell you.....no one bids on a silent auction like Vernon Cooper's daughters!!! You guys were missed!!! :o) The bidding was extremely low and uninspiring without you...nothing says love like a few sisters trying to out bid each other!!
(Donna I love my new bracelet! I know Aunt Gloria would have been in heavy competition with me to get it so I literally stole it because she was not there to bump up the price!)

To my family....I love you. Thanks for loving my dad and thanks for not forgetting us in this hardest year of our lives!

My love always and forever,
Cindy

I'm still here

Hey, I'm still here. Life has gotten in the way of my blog so it has been a while since I have had a minute to sit down and write. I don't even have that minute now but wanted to see if I still remembered where my blog is. Love to all. Will be updating soon.

Happy Father's Day

I sure miss my dad. The past few weeks the radio and TV are full of ads about telling your father how great he is and what to buy the perfect father. It has been hard. I sometimes need to just stop and take a deep breath and then go on.
I am sitting here now trying to remember what I did last Father's Day. What did I get my dad? Even now I sit here with tears down my cheeks still picturing him down the street, still sure that if I look out my window I will see him in the yard. I can still see him, still hear him. It is still breaking my heart.
I had the greatest dad in the world. He would do anything for me. I always thought that he would be here forever. I was wrong. Nothing has ever hurt this badly. I still ask why...why...did this happen.
Happy Father's Day dad. I will always love you. I will always miss you. I will always ask why.

This Ain't The Love Boat & I Am Not Your Cruise Director

Okay, I have been feeling a little selfish lately. I seem to think it is all about me, well, isn't it? Should it be? Alright so it is not about me, but for a moment can we just let it bet this way?

Remember back in the 70's or 80's the show The Love Boat? There was Julie, the cruise director, who was in charge of all the activities so that everyone was entertained and kept busy with fun things to do so they did not get bored. Well folks, this is NOT the Love Boat, there is not a celebrity guest star in sight, and I am not your cruise director!

For the last six months I feel like I cannot find time for myself. Mom and the son are always eager to "do something" or "go somewhere" on the weekends when after a week of working all I want to do is SIT AT HOME and do NOTHING. I realize that everyone is still grieving about dad. And we all think about him all day long and there are days when we think we cannot possibly go on sitting in his house or being around the places that remind us the most of him. But there are seven days in a week and not everything needs to be done on the weekend, or most especially, things can be done without me. Don't get me wrong I am a party animal. I like to go to the movies and out to eat and to the mall but it does not have to be every single weekend.

Every Saturday I am asked, Are you going somewhere? Do you want to do something? Let's go somewhere/do something? Now that it is summer this is coming from two people who sit home Mon-Fri just waiting for the weekend to do something! Hello! People who do not work during the week should take advantage of going to the places when they are not crowded while everyone else is at work. I took a week's vacation and had ONE DAY when I did not have to haul son around. It is seven days a week non stop with the two of them. I love them most dearly, really I do. Youngster needs to learn to drive and mom needs to spread her wings.

I love you Dad and I really miss you, you were so good at this stuff I cannot even begin to fill your shoes. You were always ready to go, looking for an adventure. You spoiled us all.

To be perfectly honest the last week has been much better. Mom actually took the son to play rehearal one afternoon and she met people for lunch one day even driving to a place she was not sure how to get to! Plus she has lunch plans next week too! Sonny boy has been studying for his written drivers test to get a permit and then he will be well on his way.

Maybe soon my cruise director job will not be as demanding as it has been. But something tells me that I will still be the one in charge of the fun and games department. Should be fun when the guest stars show up! Has anyone seen Charo lately?