Send in the Clowns

In the circus when there is something gone wrong they send in the clowns. I sure could have used some clowns in my life in the past.....but now...well my son is a clown. Okay he subs as a clown. But now I know what I have always known....if there is a disaster in my life...all I need to do is call my son.

Where has the time gone? I have not been on here in a long time. Someone asked me for the web address to my blog so maybe that is the only reason I am here. Hello dear old blog that has helped me survive in my darkest hours.

My brilliant son is now working full time in Walt Disney World. He moved to Florida in March. It has been a really hard adjustment for both of us but it seems to be getting better. Thank God for Skype! This is a glorious invention where dear son and I can actually feel like we are in the same room when we talk. This has helped so much!! I can see him. I can reach out and almost touch him, my baby, the best thing in my life.

Mom moved in with us in December. Forgive me if I repeat things you already know. This has been extremely hard. Nothing in the world makes my mother happy. It is an endless struggle to not have her drag me down with her. Right now she is out of town. Visiting a friend. Wanted to stay a month. It has been 2 weeks and she has already called that she is ready to come home. SIGH. She will come back here and say that she wants to go back there, that she can go there to live. Yet when she is "there" she is miserable. I don't know why she can't see that. But then, I guess, she takes her misery with her. Time will tell if we have her move to her own retirement apartment. I think it is a great idea to give her friends and a sense of community. But it is pricey. And money is always an issue.

Word to the wise: Do not get yourself in debt so deep that you cannot see your way out.

So....life is moving right along. Every day the sun rises. Every day is a new beginning. Every day is a circus. Ya gotta smile. Be gentle.

Here I Am

Here I am. Alone. In my house. It seems odd to sit here alone. Mom is out of town visiting a friend and my son is in Florida pursuing a dream. Things are quite. I am alone with myself. I am confused. I am confident.
It feels odd yet familiar. Not sure what to think.

You Can't Go Home Again

This is my house. The house I grew up in. The house that the bank will soon take back. This is a house, but it is more. This was my home. We moved to this house the summer before I started 2nd grade. I look at this picture and I smile. I look at this house and I see my father.
My mother tried to stay here. But after 5 years the insurance money was gone. The economy has not been kind. You could not sell this house for what was owed on it. The amount is not high, not high at all. But like I said, the economy has not been kind.

My mother moved in with my son and I two months ago. She still calls the house down the street, this house, home. I wonder if she will ever call my house home? For months I spent weekends packing and moving and selling things. Watching my past walk out the door. Seeing my childhood memories through tears. I have the best friends in the world. People who had no reason to be there all the time other than their compassion and love. How can I be this lucky? I don't know, but I am grateful.

The house is empty now, just waiting for the bank to take it. This is not how this should have ended. This house did not deserve an ending like this. But maybe my father was the heart of this house? Maybe without him there it stopped being home. Looking at this picture I still see him. Cutting the grass and working in the yard. This house was a very, very, very fine house.

My Son the College Graduate

It has been almost a month since graduation. I should have posted this right away when it was all fresh and new in my head but the next day we took off for 10 days of vacation. Besides you know how I cry when I write my blog so being 1 month out might mean a few less tears. The day was filled with friends who are our family, a surprise visit from my cousin who flew in from Tennessee for the day & something missing which of course was my dad.
I am so proud of this young man whom I call my son. He has been my heart since the moment I found out he was "in the tummy". The only person who was prouder than me of this kid was my dad. He beamed talking about his grandson. He adored this child.....and I am happy to say the feeling was mutual. My son loved his gramps.
We are still at a loss as to why dad is gone. It never should have happened. It is a nightmare that we still try to wake up from.
At the University it is tradition for members of the gratuating class to ring the bell. After standing in line in the heat for a long time it was my son's turn. As we stood there waiting for him to pull the rope he did something so beautiful that we were all touched....so here....in the spirit of It's A Wonderful Life and bells ringing and angels getting wings.... is my son's dedication to his gramps. I miss you dad. Today is Father's Day and I dedicate this to you all over again. We take you with us....always.

A Blessed Easter/Passover and New Beginnings of Spring

The time of the year for rebirth and new beginnings. Maybe for my family as well. I talked to my mom today and she is ready to try to sell her house. She no longer has the need to stay there. She feels like she can leave and not be leaving my dad. She is ready to move on. With the economy and such who knows if she can sell her house at all. But talking about it is a positive step. She is going to contact a realtor and see what she can expect. At this point if she can sell it for more than she owes on it that will be a blessing. Otherwise when the money runs out she is ready to just give the loan company the keys and walk away. While we don't want her to have to do that at least she is accepting that reality and ready. I really truly believe that this time she is ready. It is time. Finally. Praying for something good to happen. It is time to move on. Time for rebirth.

Happy Easter and Passover. I remember when Easter filled me with excitement. New patent leather shoes and an Easter bonnet. Looking forward to a new Easter dress and dressing up feeling fancy. That was me when I was a child. To say I had a nice childhood would not come close. I was a princess.
Now I don't feel anything. There is no Easter outfit or bonnet.  No feeling of excitement. No Easter basket, colored eggs or chocolate bunnies to look forward to. No church service with everyone in their finery. I have not even thought about an Easter meal and it is Good Friday.
I am not sure when it all went dead to me. My faith is there; somewhere. I do believe. I think. Most of it was shattered when my dad died. Where was God then? Where is he now? I want to have the passion. I try really hard. This year I got a letter from the church I thought I belonged to. They said they were taking me off the roster because they have no record of me giving them any money in a while. I find that the basis of alot of churches...show me the money. The pastor was not there for my mom when dad died. Well, he was there that day and we had a beautiful service that weekend, but after that? He was nowhere. Nowhere when my mom needed him most. Nowhere when someone he had known for 10 years was in the pits of hell. Isn't church supposed to be a family? Taking care of you when you cannot care for yourself? We did not have that. Maybe they did not understand that we have no one but us. Maybe everyone is used to large families leaning on each other taking care and banding together.
Things are getting bad here. They have always been bad but they are getting worse. My mom is almost out of money. The loan company called her yesterday to tell her she was 2 days late with her house payment. TWO DAYS. That is crazy. But it put her in a tailspin. She worries all the time. So I worry all the time times 3.
Remember back last year when she was supposed to move in with me? Everyone hated me for that. My aunt told my mom she would love to have her over for Easter (last year) but would not invite her because I would have to bring her and she did not want me in her house? Well the other night mom tells me she should have done it. Oh sigh. I just want to go home and crawl into bed. It would be nice to crawl into bed and eat a chocolate bunny....maybe I will wait until Monday when they are on sale.
I wish you the blessings of Easter or Passover. May you know peace. May we all know peace. Please, please let us know peace♥

If Money Grew on Trees

I do not believe that money is the root of all evil.  Lack of money is. I sometimes wonder if people who make tons of money know what it is like to have nothing? Do people really understand what it means to spend millions of dollars on a house or $40,000 on a watch? I got my W2 form today. Due to furlough days and lack of raises I made $4,000 less than I did around 4 years ago. No wonder I am suffering financially. To say I was living paycheck to paycheck would be a compliment to my paycheck. My paycheck is shrinking but my bills are not. I cannot pay my monthly bills. I have no money for groceries. My knee has been giving me a lot of trouble the past several weeks but when I got my paycheck yesterday and paid what I could of my bills this morning I have no money to go to the doctor. Sure I have insurance, which I pay 25% more for than I did  few years ago, but what good is insurance if you cannot pay the co-pay and deductible?

I remember a time when I could go to the grocery store whenever I wanted to. I could browse the aisles and bring home anything I desired. I could try new things. I could make lovely meals. Now, well truth be told I rarely make a decent meal. The days of meatloaf and mashed potatoes and veggies happens so rarely that I cannot even remember how many times we ate that last year.

I am grateful for what I have. There are many who are worse off than I am. But it is hard to be in this downward spiral and not feel scared as to what the future holds. Dear son will graduate from college in May and will soon set out on his own. Right now I am depending on him to pay some of the bills. He is such a kind and generous soul. He always says take whatever you need and does not question. I feel so small when I take money from him. I am his mother. It is my responsibility to take care of him. I have told him since before birth that I will take care of him until he is grown and then it is his turn to take care of me. I just think that I should be doing the taking care of for a year or two more. He should not be taking care of me just yet.

But I will lift up my head and my heart and move on. Somehow things will work out. I only have 7 more car payments so that is something. I am praying hard that maybe this year I will get a raise. Fingers crossed on that one. I have been working so hard and have been given numerous new tasks which I have readily taken on and not seen a penny for, but I am hopeful that just maybe someone will notice. For now I will dry my eyes. Take a deep breath and look toward the future hoping it is bright. And if a tree happens to start sprouting money in my yard I will nurture it like Mother Nature would.