Being Gentle

If Money Grew on Trees

2012-01-21T15:20:00.000-06:00

I do not believe that money is the root of all evil. Lack of money is. I sometimes wonder if people who make tons of money know what it is like to have nothing? Do people really understand what it means to spend millions of dollars on a house or $40,000 on a watch? I got my W2 form today. Due to furlough days and lack of raises I made $4,000 less than I did around 4 years ago. No wonder I am suffering financially. To say I was living paycheck to paycheck would be a compliment to my paycheck. My paycheck is shrinking but my bills are not. I cannot pay my monthly bills. I have no money for groceries. My knee has been giving me a lot of trouble the past several weeks but when I got my paycheck yesterday and paid what I could of my bills this morning I have no money to go to the doctor. Sure I have insurance, which I pay 25% more for than I did few years ago, but what good is insurance if you cannot pay the co-pay and deductible?

I remember a time when I could go to the grocery store whenever I wanted to. I could browse the aisles and bring home anything I desired. I could try new things. I could make lovely meals. Now, well truth be told I rarely make a decent meal. The days of meatloaf and mashed potatoes and veggies happens so rarely that I cannot even remember how many times we ate that last year.

I am grateful for what I have. There are many who are worse off than I am. But it is hard to be in this downward spiral and not feel scared as to what the future holds. Dear son will graduate from college in May and will soon set out on his own. Right now I am depending on him to pay some of the bills. He is such a kind and generous soul. He always says take whatever you need and does not question. I feel so small when I take money from him. I am his mother. It is my responsibility to take care of him. I have told him since before birth that I will take care of him until he is grown and then it is his turn to take care of me. I just think that I should be doing the taking care of for a year or two more. He should not be taking care of me just yet.

But I will lift up my head and my heart and move on. Somehow things will work out. I only have 7 more car payments so that is something. I am praying hard that maybe this year I will get a raise. Fingers crossed on that one. I have been working so hard and have been given numerous new tasks which I have readily taken on and not seen a penny for, but I am hopeful that just maybe someone will notice. For now I will dry my eyes. Take a deep breath and look toward the future hoping it is bright. And if a tree happens to start sprouting money in my yard I will nurture it like Mother Nature would.

Happy 2012?

2012-01-01T13:28:00.000-06:00

Today is the first day of the year 2012. For whatever reason I am sad. I woke up this morning just fine. It is windy and cold but the sun is shining and I have the day off work. The Christmas tree is down, the decorations are boxed up. The Son and I have ideas of things we want to do around the house. It was a good morning. The Son had to get up early to go to work and even then I was fine. But some how I got to checking the Internet to write down the date of Son's graduation from college. And there they came....the tears. I know I don't appear to be, to the outside world and those who do not read this blog, someone who ever cries or cares. But I cry a lot. I get so tired and bogged down with the appearance that everything is fine that sometimes I feel like I am drowning so here I sit at a keyboard where in the private anonymity I can pour out my heart and cry. But you knew that.

Today is just one of those days. I guess I have the blues again. Even the holiday movies that are still on are making me depressed. Stop showing me how people fall in love in 2 hours Hallmark Movies!! I have not had a date in years, my son's girlfriend broke up with him and is in a new relationship after only 3 weeks that is splashed in all its glory across Facebook, which seems to hurt my feelings way more than my son's but he is a fine actor so I worry about that too.

My mother calls me and my mood is always shot to heck with that one. It is not so much what she says as in how she says it. It is always so full of acid and attitude. I don't know why she can't just talk instead of preach and reprimand. If she could just not be hateful to me life would be so good. Again and again I have to apologize for anything I say that is unflattering about her. I love her. I know she is still going through hell. I know she is lonely. But every single thing I try to do to help her she throws in my face. I hope no one she knows reads this but I have a sneaking suspicion that some do. She has told me before that people tell her I say hateful things about her on the Internet and once my aunt told her that she would like to ask her over for Easter but she couldn't because she did not want me in her house. Nice family love, thank you so much......but today my purpose is not in defending myself as a daughter or I will certainly just feel worse.

I need to pull it together. I need to stop sitting here crying to a computer screen. There are boxes to put away. There is a kitchen to clean. Tomorrow is my last day off from this Christmas vacation I have taken so I need to wash some clothes. I need to get out of this mood. This is only the first day of the year and already it has to get better?? Maybe this is better than starting on a good point and having it all go down hill? This is the 5th New Year's Day without my dad. That has not gotten better. Or easier. But I have to believe that this weill be a good year. This will be the year that things turn around. Happiness and good health and love and well being. The year when things are good. ♥

Christmas 2011 - That's a wrap.

2011-12-30T18:18:00.000-06:00

Tonight is Dec 30 and I am taking down the Christmas decorations. We usually wait until New Year's day but well...I am ready to take them down and start anew. Son was working all the time this Christmas holiday. Between full time school, 2 part time jobs, 2 side gigs, and play rehearsal, I barely saw the kid. He even made more money than I did this month and I have a full time job. This is just proof that I am being taken advantage of where I work!!! Also reason for him being so tired.

It was a nice, quite Christmas. We did not exchange presents because there was no money, but that just made me realize how overboard people go with the holiday. The reason for the season is not about presents but until you stop with the presents you don't believe that.

So the Christmas decorations are going back in their boxes and bags. The magic is over one more time.

Hope it was a merry one for you. God bless us every one!

Have a Holly Jolly Christmas

2011-12-22T22:10:00.000-06:00

♪♫♪♫It's the most wonderful time of the year ♫♪♫♪ Merry Christmas. I hope this finds you well. It has been a nice holiday season here. The weather has been unexpectedly nice. Warmer than last year which was a real stinker of ice and snow and cold. I was off work today as an extra day off work gave us. Some say it is because some staff have to work New Year's Day. Who knows. It could be because there is nothing in the building because of construction. It could be because they took 2 years worth of furlough days from us. I have no idea. I am not going to question it. I am just enjoying it!!

So with the extra day off and our holiday tomorrow and Monday and the day after New Years I will only be working 1 day next week. Which means I am off 10 of the next 11 days. I will not feel like going back to work after that I am afraid.

This year we have decided to not give presents. I feel bad when someone gives me a gift and I have nothing to give them back. But I have no money. I keep waiting for it all to turn around for me but so far we are still heading in the same direction. I still cry when I go to the grocery store. I still freak out when I try to pay bills. I spend some time one step ahead of having something shut off. I try not to let it get to me. But it is hard. I will not lie that I feel pangs of jealousy when people talk about taking trips or buying $135 boots for Christmas and I know that I will sit in my house and not have a thing to give my son or my mother. But in other ways it only shows me how obscene the gift giving can get. Do you monitor your love by how much you spend on someone? It almost seems that way to me. The 3 of us will have a nice meal and that will be that. Really what more do you need than to be together?

I still worry about my mother. This coming year she will either get money from her law suit or she will have to leave her house. Her money is almost gone. I am not sure what she is thinking. I tried to have her move in here and that did not happen but soon she will not have a choice. She will not have the money to stay in her house. I pray every day that she gets the closure she deserves from this lawsuit. She does not need to get rich. She just needs to have the money to live her simple life without fear. And to win the law suit would give her the greatest vindication that my father's death was needless and preventable. But all in all she is doing so much better than she has in the past.

Dear son has been so busy that I rarely see him. He is working all the time. It seems like he walks in the door and crawls into bed only to wake up and go all over again in a few short hours. He is exhausted but doing well. Working 2 jobs, full time college student, shooting a scene in a film, working a holiday party, rehearsing a musical. You could say he was a LITTLE busy. I am always so proud of him. It is a blessing that he understands the money and no presents thing. He grew up with mountains of gifts and yearly trips to Walt Disney World. I wonder what he really must be thinking. Bless his heart. He is a good guy.

Me? I have been working and coming home. Same old thing. Not exciting but okay I think.

Please let me take this time to wish you a joyous holiday season celebrating whatever holiday you enjoy. This is the time of year when families gather and love is shared. May you feel the love surround you and may everything you put out into the universe come back to you in abundance. ♥ And dad...you are forever in our thoughts.

The Dark Days part 4

2011-11-27T11:23:00.003-06:00

Four years ago I was going to a hospital to see my dad hooked up to machines. Lying there. There but not there. Gone but not gone. My dad but not my dad. God how did we ever make it through those days? I think most of that time was spent in shock. Shock and horror. Life changes in the blink of an eye.

Now, four years later, I no longer really feel the "20s" which were the days of the month that I relived everything. The 20's are just days of the month now. But I won't lie, Thanksgiving is still really hard. The last holiday we celebrated. The last meal we had as a family was the Sunday we celebrated Thanksgiving because dad would be in the hospital on the actual day. Thanksgiving 4 years ago was the last good day my dad had. He ate a good meal and walked all over the ICU. He was great that day. And that was the last day he was his old self. The next day he was in pain and then 3 days later, on the day he was to come home, they killed him. He spent 4 days on machines until Nov 29.

Sometimes I just need to get it out. I need to hash it all again. This is the week that makes the most sense. The rest of the year I try to honor my dad by living the best life I can. I wonder if he would be happy with how we are? I know he would be so proud of his grandson! He would be sad to see how we are all suffering financially. That would be hard for him to handle. He would be proud of my mom bravely taking steps every day. Hanging on the best she can.

On this fourth anniversary of the end, my mind is like a movie where you have the flash back scene. Like in a Christmas Carol where Scrooge is standing in the room in the past and no one sees him. I am like that. Standing in the rooms. No one sees me but I am there. Seeing it all again. But it is time now to put it all away. Pack it away way in the back of my mind. I always think if I have enough good pictures in my memory the bad ones will just fade away.

So dad. I love you. And I can see you on your lawn mower where you were always happy. This is the picture I will carry with me.

Happy Birthday to Me

2011-10-10T20:41:00.000-05:00

Today is my birthday. I have never been one of those people who makes a big deal about their birthday. There are some people who celebrate for a week or a month. That is not me. I can't really explain it but mostly my birthday makes me a little sad. Just like Christmas. Not sure what is wrong with me. I have been feeling melancholy lately. It could be the pressure at work, the lack of money. Maybe it is everything. It has been a hard few months, years for me.

But I am truly blessed to have lovely people in my life. My friends I have never met on Facebook, my real friends & family sent me good wishes on line. My neighbor brought me flowers and cupcakes, my son gave me a gift I had mentioned the other day that I wanted and pumpkin pie! Plus I went to lunch with my best friend and my mom. It was a good day.

I need to shake this listless melancholy. It is not pretty or fun. I need to know that I have many friends and kind people in my life. Thanks to my friends who help me get through the day even if they don't realize all that they do for me.. And to Mary who has always been my best friend and has the grace of an angel.

Sometimes I Am Like My Dad

2011-10-05T13:02:00.000-05:00

I was just in the kitchen at work making myself a glass of iced tea. I like it weak. You know a little tea, a lot of water. Someone walked in the kitchen and saw me putting water in my tea and said "Oh no, you drink tea just like your dad!" Well, this made me smile. Yep I drink my iced tea just like my dad! It was nice that someone thought of him today. Here's too you dad, and our weak tea! Cheers!

Age is Just a Number So Laugh!

2011-09-24T09:07:00.000-05:00

I was sitting here today thinking that in a few short weeks I will be 55 years old. OUCH even to type it seems like there is some mistake. That number is so high. I honestly feel about 18 years old, in my head anyway not so much the old body. I can still vividly see Mary and I walking to the store or to a boy's house. Well, things WERE simpler back then.

I remember my dad's 55th birthday. I typed that number again and still think it is a mistake. Dad had a big bbq on his birthday. It was in our backyard. We had family and friends over. I think he wore his dirty bird shirt the one that looks like a seagull flew over him and well...you know...got his shirt dirty. He loved that shirt. He wore it everywhere. I will admit it was a little funny to see people's faces when he would walk into a store somewhere with that shirt on. Embarrassing but funny that pretty much was my dad.

For my birthday, of that certain number, I will most likely do nothing. Where dad would always invite people over for dinner or take them out for his birthday I have no bbq pit & patio for fine outdoor parties, plus it is not the middle of summer. I have no money to take people out for dinner. I have no money to take myself out for dinner. Oh I am not complaining again about lack of money. That one needs no explanation. I am simply saying that while in some ways I am my father's daughter there are many ways that we are different.

I close my eyes and see my dad at 55 wearing that silly shirt,laughing. I see myself at 55 and I am not. Maybe I should fix that. Maybe I should go out and buy myself some embarrassing shirt. If I lived on a beach I could stand there and see if the seagulls have a good aim!! I bet my dad would get a kick out of that!

So lighten up old girl. Life is what you make it so you should make it something that you can laugh at and smile. Don't take things so seriously. Age is just a number and if the memory of your dad standing in the backyard laughing on his 55th birthday makes you smile then you can make it too!

Happy Birthday Daddy

2011-06-28T20:40:00.004-05:00

Once upon a time my dad was a Park Ranger. His nick name was Smokey. It fit him. He was a big old cuddly teddy bear. He was grumpy on the outside and a cream puff on the inside. When I was scared or sad a hug from my dad would make my world feel safe and secure. I have said it before but life without him is like freefalling without a net. It is sad. It is scary. It is no fun.

Today is my Dad's birthday. If he were still here he would be 79 years old today. He has been gone 3.5 years now. In some ways it feels like it has only been days. In other ways it feels like he is not gone. Some days I still think I will look out the door and see him cutting grass. Some days I have to remind myself that he is not here. It is still hard. I thought that by now I would be used to the new normal of a life without my dad but that has not happened yet. It is so hard.

You know how people take someone out for dinner for their birthday? Well my dad used to take a bunch of people out and pay for THEIR dinners on HIS birthday. He was that kind of a guy. He was great. He was my hero........
Happy Birthday Dad. I love you.
I am Smokey's daughter and I am still heartbroken.

Finally Waking Up?

2011-06-17T08:27:00.003-05:00

When last I posted we were getting ready for my mom to go to the lawyer's office to give her deposition about the day those murdering incompetents killed my father....I mean she was about to give a deposition about the day my dad was mistakenly murdered but then brought back to go on life support.....no I mean she was going in to give a deposition about the day my father died. Well you get the idea.
My mother has lived for three and a half years with this imagine always in front of her. It does not matter if her eyes are open or closed, she lives this moment over and over again. Like the movie Groundhog Day. It is the same thing every single day. But there is never any lesson learned. Never an improvement the next day. The outcome is always the same and it is terrifying and heartbreaking.

After giving her deposition I think that maybe she can finally let it go a little bit. I know she did not want to forget anything when it came time to tell her story. But 3+ years is far too long to relive this moment. It has put her in a Sleeping Beauty like state where she has been stuck in 2007 even though the world has moved on.
Finally now she seems to be waking up. Seems to be noticing things for the very first time that I have been telling her for YEARS! Things that needed her attention but she was in suspended animation and unable to realize what was happening. It is as if she has been sleep walking through life these past years.

Now she can let the movie in her head slip away a little bit. Now she can take care of business that always needed taking care of but she was unable to see. At least I hope that is happening.

There are still more dark moments than light ones. But every now and then..I actually SEE my mother in there...in the predawn hours, just starting to wake up.

Deposition

2011-05-10T16:21:00.004-05:00

Well, mom just got a letter from the lawyer that she is to be in his office next Wednesday to give a deposition. Could we finally be moving on this? My mom is so fragile at this moment. I pray that they do not try to mix her up or make her say something that she should not. But that should not be a worry. She has relived my dad's death for the last 3+ years. She should recall every horrible moment as if it is happening right before her. Because for her, it still is.
I humbly request prayers for all of us, but most importantly for mom.
Dad? Could you please send us your strength? I would appreciate that so much.
I am going home to make a sock puppet....just in case it is needed too.

From a Distance

2011-04-15T16:36:00.014-05:00

I think one of the things that makes me so frustrated with my mom is that she does not appreciate the joyous gift of health that she is lucky enough to have. She can walk, and see, and hear, and drive. How many are out there who would give a day of their lives to be able to do any of these things much less ALL of them? My mom chooses to sit on a sofa and watch TV. All day. Every day. Every night. Always. And that is all.

I know she figures that she is healthy enough to live on her own. But really, is sitting there vegetating in front of a TV really living? I suppose I could say the same about my hours at a computer. But at least I am attempting to communicate with the world. Not just numb my mind and weaken my body. I am so aggravated with her total lack of ....life.

She is wasting away. She is wasting a life. So I am going to have to distance myself from her. It is for the best. She will get what she wants, to sit. And I can try to save my sanity and that of my dear son. I will let her sit but I will no longer let myself get pulled into her negativity.

I have tried for 3 years. I have tried to take care of her. To help her. To guide her. But she wants none of it. She is stubborn and prefers to sit and I guess wait to either lose her house or to die or for the next TV show or ball game to start. My beloved son the other night told me that he is the unhappiest he has been in his whole life except for when my dad died. How is that possible? How can the negative invade another life? I think it is easy. Because it is happening with us.

She is HEALTHY that is the kicker. If she were sick or out of her mind I could accept the sitting and not wanting to be a part of the world.I wish she tried. I wish she went out. My father was busy all the time. He was always in the middle of one project or another. Constantly in motion. Mom is the opposite of that. Anti motion. If mom gardened or read a book it would be great. But she sits. Perfectly content to let another beautiful day come and go without being part of it. Her mind and body are fine. She chooses not to use either. Watching TV makes her happy so who am I to tell her she should be embracing life? She should be living? And so even though I still care more than she will ever understand. I am going to be doing it....from a distance. So I do not have to cry when I see her lose one more day.

I Feel Better Since I've Given Up Hope

2011-04-12T13:59:00.013-05:00

Sometimes you just can no longer fight the fight and you give up. That is how I am feeling today after dealing with my mom. I am defeated. Everything I ever try to do is wrong. You can only hear it for 50+ years before you finally just say ok and give it up. I once had a pin that said “I feel much better since I’ve given up hope” funny how I think of that now. If I find that button I think I am going to wear it. Somehow things do seem a little sunnier since I have given up.

My dad died 3 years 4 months and 14 days ago. It has been hard, very hard. If you have lost a loved one suddenly you understand. Even if your loss was not sudden you understand. My father did literally everything for my mom. She wanted for nothing. It was all handed to her. If she wanted to go somewhere they went. Eat something they ate. Buy something it was bought. She only had to think about it and it happened. Unfortunately my father who provided so well in life did not have the papers in place in death that he thought. He was supposed to have a policy that would give mom a check every month for the rest of her life. It would have kept her monthly income at what it was when dad was here. But somehow it was not set up that way. Instead of monthly security she got a very small lump sum of money. That money has dwindled the past 3 year until it is nearly gone. In an effort to keep my mom in the house she shared with dad she needed to come up with something.

I have a friend C, he is at a tough place in his life. C’s mom passed away last summer after many years of illness. He took care of her for most of his adult life. It was the only life he knew. Now that his mom is gone he is living in the middle of nowhere which is where she wanted to be. In this age of rising gas prices and, well, everything going up, it was hard for him to stay there. He needed to get somewhere closer to civilization and find a job. Eventually he would like to move to Florida (well, who doesn’t want to do that?) so he was looking for somewhere to live for a few months. The solution presented itself that he would rent mom’s house and mom would move in with dear son and I for four months. That will give C time to get it together and mom four months of not taking preciously shrinking money out of the bank to pay house payment and some bills. This has been the plan since December.

All was well…until yesterday. Mom came home Sunday from visit with friend in another city. To say that friend has some influences in what mom thinks would not be a lie. I will not elaborate but I just think that sometimes it is not a good idea to let your thoughts come from someone else’s opinion. So mom comes home with ideas that the lawyers don’t know what they are doing and that she is not moving in with me. Things just spiraled out of control from there. Mind you C has no idea that mom is thinking about pulling the house out from under him as he has not been in touch with me in over 2 weeks, although he has given us money for April and moved in some of this things. He has never spent the night in the house or even spent more than a few minutes there.

Yesterday mom goes home. Sits there all day crying and saying she wants to die and watching TV. She enjoys watching TV. She watches it all the time. I tried to get her to use a computer, go on FB, make friends all over the world. But she cannot figure that out. TV, that she can figure out. It might be good for her if she cooked or shopped or took a walk. She could go to the library, a movie, work in the yard. Sitting watching the TV is a lot like fading away.

I know she is lost. I know it sucks. I am trying to help. I know I cannot. If I could bring dad back I would. If I could be a better daughter I would. I wonder if maybe if I was on TV mom would understand. So today I give up. I have decided to star in my own show, I think God may have a starring role. I think I shall call this show "Giving it Up to God" It might be a big hit. I hope it runs for years!

Stressed is Just Desserts Spelled Backwards

2011-03-29T18:40:00.006-05:00

Hello world. Have a nice day....yeah sure. BLAH!

I have decided that it quite possibly may be the stress that keeps me standing. If I were ever to actually relax I would probably fall on the ground. What do people do when they have others to help them? What is it like to have someone take care of you? Is it wonderful? Is it horrible?

Is it even possible??

My mother is moving in with son and I. She has known this for months. I have been taking boxes to her telling her that all she needs to do is fill one small copy paper box with stuff each day. ONE BOX a day. She has weeks to do this. WEEKS. Last week she headed off to Salt Lake City to visit a friend. I took a week's vacation to move her stuff to my house and get her room all settled. Did she pack stuff up?? Do you think she did? She had weeks afterall. And only needed to pack one small box a day. Of course NOT. She did not pack even a sock. NOTHING. So who does this exhausting task fall to? Yep the Queen of Stress. It is so frustrating. I am so tired of taking care of everyone. I know I am pouty but hey what about ME?? Oh sigh.

Days of vacation wasted in packing up boxes and moving furniture. Aching backs and sheer exhaustion. Plus she is not selling the house or anything. Simply staying with me for a few months while a friend rents her house out furnished. If I started screaming it would not be pretty.

Yesterday I get in her car only to notice that she needed an oil change in OCTOBER!!

What?!?! Seriously? Who has to find the time by taking another day off to take care of this?? Oh yeah, ME!

Dear son was a huge help the week of my vacation. He moved heavy boxes and furniture. Did a lot of cleaning and clearing but, he is young and cannot keep this good behavior up forever. He has now reverted to the " I only have time for my own stuff" young man that we know and love. That is fine. He should not have to be the one to take care of everything.

I am sorry. I just need a minute.Everytime I come on here it seems it is just to complain about how life is unfair to me. It is all about me afterall. Yeah sure. Pass me some desserts before I relax and fall down!!

Mom is Moving On, Then Back, Then In

2011-03-14T15:31:00.013-05:00

Mom will be moving on as in out of the house to Utah for a visit. Back here when she is finished traveling and then IN...as in moving in...with me...and dear son. God help us all. In a little over a week my mom will be headed to Utah to visit with a friend. Friend wants mom to stay for 2 months. Mom does not know how long she will stay. I am hoping for at least a month. Now don't think bad of me because I am joyfully awaiting my mother heading out of town. But for 3 years now I have worried about her constantly. For the time she is in Utah with her friend I will be FREE!! Someone else can worry about her for a few weeks. I am beyond giddy with the anticipation of this knowledge. If I don't hear from her I need not worry that she has fallen and cannot get up. I will not have to feel guilty if I do not want to go out over the weekend and take her somewhere. I will not worry like I do when she takes the car somewhere and does not leave me a message. She will be out having FUN with her friend. They will laugh and visit and live. It is good for her. Sure, it is good for me and the son, but it is good for mom too. This is what I wanted her to do all along. Take trips and have fun. When she comes back to town she will not be going back to the house she has shared with my dad since I was in the second grade. Instead she will move in with us. It is time. It is past time. In order to have any money to live on she has to move in with us or risk losing everything. While she is in Utah, son and I will move some of her things to our house and turn my room into a room for her complete with lavendar comforter since she likes purple. It will be a time of much adjustment for all of us. A friend will be renting out her place for a few months to help her save money and decide if she can finally give up the house. It is time. Time to move on, time to move in. Time to stock my house with a secret stash of lots of chocolate ♥

Attitude is Everything

2010-09-21T14:39:00.006-05:00

My friend H and I went out to lunch today. You know the feeling where you don’t have the money to go out for lunch but you just need to get away from the office before you go insane? Well, H and I know that feeling very well. Don’t get me wrong, we love our jobs, but there are times you need to get away from it all. H and I get away from it all quite often. Today we went to restaurant here downtown. I must tell you that we have gone to this place before and one time, a year or so ago, we had a waitress that was so unpleasant we vowed we would never go back there again no matter how huge their baked potatoes may be!! At that lunch our waitress did not care. She acted like we were bothering her. As if she was too important to take our order or bring us our food. She was horrible. She was clearly in the wrong profession. Heather and I did not go back to this establishment for a very long time. And it was all because of our waitress. The fact that we still remember this a year or two later should speak volumes!! All because of ONE PERSON we had a bad feeling about this place. Today our waitress was Alysse. She was delightful. She greeted us by telling us her name and telling us that she was going to take care of us. She said that at our lunch, while we were at her table, she was going to take care of everything. We only had to ask her if we needed anything. Alysse smiled and laughed. She was engaging. She made us feel special. She made us feel important. She made us feel cared for. She brought us things before we even asked for them, a glass of ice, a ton of butter, a fresh glass of soda. She even asked us if we wanted to take a soda or tea to go when we left. She was attentive. She made our stressed out lunch a joy. At the end of our meal she told us to please ask for her the next time we are there. And if she is not our waitress she will still stop by and see how we are. WOW!! Talk about a great experience! Alysse is a tremendous asset to this restaurant. Do we want to go back there and have Alysse as our waitress? Well YES! Did I think about asking her if she wanted to work for us….oh you know I wanted to! In doing our jobs we need to all be more like Alysse. Smile. Engage. CARE!! Too many times we are caught up in complaining about our day, complaining about our co-workers, our bosses, our jobs. That is doing a terrible disservice to those around us and to ourselves. I came back to work today inspired by the waitress I had take care of me at lunch. I answered my calls a bit more friendly. I put myself in the place of the person at the other end of the phone or email. I tried to be everything that Alysse was to me at lunch. I can get caught up in myself and my problems and be a little snippy (don’t tell my boss), so, anyone who called me this afternoon owes Alysse a thank you for my attitude adjustment. I had forgotten just how important it is to have a good outlook! It is so very important. One person can make all the difference in how others experience the day. Remember that you are an important person, but the person you are taking care of is just as important!! They do not want to hear you complain. Frankly, no one wants to hear it. If you complain or whine or if you have a bad attitude maybe you are in the wrong profession like our waitress from a year ago? People remember the bad attitude. But they also remember the outstanding!!You can be the difference. You can be the reason this is a memorable day for someone! Go out and be the person who brightens the day for everyone.

Just Fluff

2010-07-24T12:06:00.026-05:00

THE other day my new cousin (wife of old cousin, well not OLD but you get the idea) was posting on Face Book about Marshmallow Creme; also known as Fluff. What the conversation was about is not really that important, talk about whether it was a "Northern" thing. How my "old" cousin had never had it. http://www.marshmallowfluff.com/pages/homepage.html

Anyway, as I am sitting here today crying over my bills, and trying not to be so scared that I make myself sick, I am trying to think about Fluff.

If you look it up, fluff has many different definitions that don't seem to jive with each other: something of no consequence, a mistake, when an actor flubs his lines, pieces of a junk car that are not metal and cannot be recycled. Those are all so negative!! My favorite definition of fluff is: light & airy, to become fluffy; Soft & light like summer clouds. To move, float, or settle down like fluff. It sounds peaceful and pretty.

Maybe we need to let go of fears and anxiety. Instead of the jitters and tears of not knowing what tomorrow will bring or worrying about how to crawl out of the hole of debt....I think today....I am going to be fluffy. I think I will also eat a peanut butter, Fluff and blueberry sandwhich. Then I am going to settle down like fluff♥

Disney Movie is Proof I've Done a Good Job

2010-07-18T07:51:00.007-05:00

My Son and I are Disney FREAKS! We are not ashamed to admit this. We are proud! Our favorite place in the world is Walt Disney World in Florida. We have taken many vacations to WDW but now due to finances I have no idea when we will get back there. BUT WE WILL BE BACK!! It is our safe haven. Our place to recharge. Our place to calm down.

The only time I was ever sad when I was in WDW was the trip we took right before dad went into the hospital for "the surgery". It was a good trip. Son and I were there for his birthday. Weather was good. Christmas decorations were up. But for some reason there was a sadness I could not shake. There were times sitting on the bus when I was in tears. Maybe I knew. Maybe somewhere inside I knew what was going to happen with Dad. But I have many nice memories of Dad at WDW so that sadness was an isolated, crazy thing like that entire episode of our lives that just creeps into places unexpectedly.

I have been going to WDW since it opened. My grandparents lived in Florida less than an hour from WDW. Ryan's first trip was when he was 6 months old. Disney is in his blood.

Like I said Disney is all over our lives. I do not think that is a bad thing. While I am not too fond of Disney movies lately. I mean The Frog Princess?? Really?? I LOVE the classics. Back when animation was by hand and it was beautiful. That is not to say that everything needs to be done the old fashioned way. I love the Toy Story movies. They are wonderful. And so....comes the meaning of my title.....

Son and I went to see Toy Story 3. There is no one on Earth I would see this with but him. I will not go into reviewing the movie. Let's just say it is emotional and hit us very hard. In the movie Andy is going to college. Son is in college. Andy is giving away his toys. Son HAS those toys. It is about growing up and moving on and love. OHHH it is a good movie. VERY emotional.

At the end of the film I look at my 20 year old son who is in tears. So many tears in fact that he has BOTH hands over his mouth to keep from sobbing out loud. At that moment I KNEW I had done a good job raising this amazing, sensitive young man. In an age of crime and utter callousness, I have a son who cares. Who feels. Who is not afraid to show his emotions. I felt all warm and fuzzy inside. I have done a good job. I have a son who is not afraid to cry at a movie, just like his gramps!

TV & Cell Phones Have Ruined The Theatre

2010-05-22T11:47:00.011-05:00

I went to the Theatre with my son Thursday afternoon, I know, Thursday afternoon, but he won the tickets so it was free and a good reason to take a day off. I must preface this by saying I go to a LOT of theatre. My son is a Theatre Major and has been acting since grade school so I see a lot of shows. All I have to say to the masses is SHUT UP! Oh my gosh it is annoying to have people talking during the show. Not WHISPERING mind you but TALKING! I think this stems from TV. You sit in your home and have converstions with the characters on the screen. And that is fine YOU ARE AT HOME! I have laughed and cried and pointed and sighed at my TV. I have screamed at just about everything that Jack Bauer does (goodbye 24) but that is because I am in the privacy of my very own home. Sitting on my sofa. Alone. Not bothering anyone.

It was bad enough with people talking about the folks on the stage as if they were sitting at home watching....oh she sings good, he is so tall, this is what is going on so I will give you a blow by blow description in case you don't understand Honey. But now we have the cell phone! Dah dah da....oh this is awful too. It is one thing that you cannot go to the grocery store without thinking numerous people are asking you a question but they are really on the phone. I have even taken walks around a lake at a county park to enjoy nature only to run into umpteen people talking on cell phones. Now theatre goers check messages during the show...or even have PHONE CALLS during the show.... and at Intermission it is like everyone is on cellphone crack the way they turn on their cell phones! The entire place lights up!
And what about the people who bring in snacks and unwrap candy when the entire theatre is silent? Or crying babies, loud kids....it goes on and on.

Point is.....LIVE THEATRE is happening LIVE. You really are there. And so are hundreds if not thousands of others. Unless this is some rock concert you pretty much should shut up and enjoy! Because the person next to you may have spent $75 for their ticket and they are hanging on every word. No one wants to hear your vibrating phone, half whispered dinner plans, candy wrappers, etc. If you cannot respect the people sitting around you then you need to stay home until this show is made into a movie and released on DVD!

I shall now step off my soapbox and retire to my sofa for some alone TV time. ♥

Religious Tolerance

2010-03-15T14:02:00.009-05:00

Shouldn't there be religious tolerance? After all this is the year 2010! But there are still people who feel that what they believe is the ONLY answer. I am floored by things like this! My son was baptized Presbyterian & attended Catholic high school. My beautiful son is the picture of pure tolerance and freedom. My son wants to be a Jew.

I was totally taken aback by a friend when upon learning this fact actually had emailed me:
I think that would totally crush me if my son renounced Jesus as the Son of God. You seem to be taking it well- much, much better than I would. I would be totally freaked out! Oh yeah and she added 4 "wow"s to make a point. Well that was very opened minded of you my friend. Thank you! BLEH! Truthfully, the only thing that freaked me out was HER! I do not even want to imagine what she thinks about same sex marriage or people's right to choose how they live based solely on that person's own right and beliefs and choices! I wonder what she really thinks of ME. After all I got pregnant outside of marriage and raised my son as a single mom! She makes it sound like he wants to become a cannibal or club baby bunnies! He just wants to worship and love. Why would I ever be freaked out by that?

We turned a new century 10 years ago now but I still think there are some out there who would be burning people at the stake for not conforming to what THEY think is right and proper. People have died protecting this country, to make it what it is, a land where everyone is free to believe what they will. And yes, that includes people like my friend who think that only what they believe is the right thing. She has a right to believe what she will but I do not think that is tolerance or peace. I am sad for people like that. Open up your minds and your hearts. After all, Jesus was a JEWISH carpenter ♥

Let There Be Peace

2010-03-13T08:37:00.009-06:00

I sit here at 8:30 in the morning and my son is a world away and it is 5:30 in the evening. He has been flying for over 10 hours to get to a place he has dreamed of since he was very young. Israel. The Internet has been a source of information to me about his flight. I can log on and see a little map of where the plane is at this very moment. Or yesterday for both legs of his trip how very late his flights were. The flight from STL to Newark was delayed over an hour due to weather. The flight from Newark to Tel Aviv was delayed over an hour for maintanence. Which just means I have been staring at airline pages for hours the past day. Worrying and praying.

I must make myself stop looking at the Internet and searching for pages of news from Israel. It just makes me crazy. There is unrest in Jerusalem. Of course the last 5 nights of his trip Ryan stays in, yes folks, Jerusalem. Most of the trouble has been at Temple Mount...you know Wailing Wall, Mosques, all the things he has dreamed of seeing. The place they are supposed to spend all day next Friday.

It is all perspective I realize. People can read about awful things happening in North St. Louis and even though I live in St. Louis I that does not mean the bad things are everywhere or widespread or near me. Oh Jesus I love this child. Please keep him safe from all harm.

I need to stay away from the Internet or it is going to make me sick. But I can't. In some insane way it makes me feel like I am protecting him. But I know all the protection is from above. God...and my dad. ♥ I know he is right there taking care of my son. Thanks Dad I know you will do a great job. Please let there be peace.

My Son is Living His Dream.

2010-03-12T17:54:00.007-06:00

As I type this my son's plane should be taking off from St. Louis to Newark where he will catch a connecting flight to Tel Aviv and spend his spring break in Israel. He was supposed to take off 50 minutes ago but thanks to the Internet I can tell his fight was delayed.

It is hard to let go and let your kids go off on adventures. Going to Israel is a dream for my son. But as I sit here reading reports on the news about Israel closing the West Bank due to fears of violence and I know that the places they are putting restrictions on include all of the places he is longing to go to next Friday it is hard for a me to just breathe.

How do mothers send their children off to war? How did pioneers do it? How did cavemen women do it? Long ago when your child walked out the front door more times than not the mother never knew what became of them. How did they do that?

My son does not get homesick. He does not travel with a laptop or a cell phone. I will not hear his voice until next Sunday when I pick him up at the airport. Which is 8 days, 208 hours, 12539 minutes and some seconds from now....yes I have it programed into a countdown clock! Who wouldn't? Doesn't everyone do this?

I will be on my knees daily praying for God to protect my son. I will think of him every moment and I will try to breathe. And I will continue to wonder just how a lifetime of mothers watched their children walk out the door and smiled when they sent them off on their big adventures into the world. I will wonder how were they able to hide their tears? ♥

Who is That?!?

2010-02-20T14:01:00.019-06:00

Have you ever looked in the mirror, or at your image in a photograph, and wondered...just WHO is that? It is almost scary to not recognize yourself. When did it happen? When did I get old and fat and sad? Where is the smile, the twinkle? Just who is this person who is looking back? Maybe the world would be a better place without mirrors? Some days you walk out of the house and you feel downright cute....maybe even pretty... and confident and awesome...and then you catch a glimpse of yourself in a mirror or a reflection in a window and you stop....hey...who is THAT???!! Then that slow, shocking realization....oh...sadness...that is me! UGH.

Inside I swear I am still the same person I was when I was 16 and running around with my friend Mary. We had a great childhood with no worries. We were young and innocent and clueless..... and we were happy. I guess the more we live the more we live with. Debt and responsibility and worry all pile up and make us weary of life. Some of this aging must be reflected in our outward appearance....that must explain it....that and time. But why then is it that some moments, some rare moments, you can feel the joy and freedom you did when you were younger? Why can't THAT be the reflection that comes back at you?

I guess you just have to live with it. Time marches on and sometimes it looks like it has marched all over you. You can moisturize and brush and paint your self up. Or you can find that inner happiness and light from when you were young and go out feeling THAT beauty and glow....OH....and avoid mirrors!

Valentines Day? Love Always!

2010-02-14T08:58:00.010-06:00

Today is Valentine's Day. It is such a silly holiday. It puts pressure on those in relationships and makes those not in relationships feel somehow lowly and sad. It sells tons of candy and cards and flowers to those trying to conform to this silliness. Stop it!! If you save all of your love for one day then who is really the sad one?

I have had a handful of what may or may not have been serious, meaningful "couple" relationships. Looking back I see they were probably more dysfunctional than real. I have had my heart broken. But was it really because I was losing the love of my life or was it more correctly my hurt pride that something I had tried did not work out or the shear disbelief that someone did not want ME!? I think the latter two.

Maybe I have yet to find my soul mate. The love of my life. The ONE! I used to believe the fairytale of happily ever after. The all consuming passion of your love for one man. How your heart beats faster and your soul glows brighter. The little cottage, picket fence love. I clearly have watched too many movies and been to Disney World one too many times.

I am sure my mom had that with my dad. And I know that is why it is so hard for her to put one foot in front of the other each day. It must be such a terrible sadness to have lived the dream and had it torn from you.

As I get older I realize that I do have love. I have passionate, all consuming love. Just not the way I thought I would. I may not have my husband, boyfriend, soul mate. But I have relationships that touch my soul. There are so many and they fill my heart. Too many to even count. But I must touch on .....my son. The love of my life, the center of my world, the joy of my heart. Yes I adore him. He is my only child. How could I ever love anyone as much as I love him? I am so proud of the man he has become. He is caring and loving and respectful and everything I could have ever asked for. He is my love. My family. We are small but mighty. My mom is trying so hard. She is lost and we are trying to find a path for her. It is hard. We are at the age when it is almost like I am the mother and she the child. It is a very hard adjustment for both of us. But I know that she loves me and that makes me glad. My cousin Karla. Well who could ask for someone as wonderful as her?? She is savage! My friends. They are my rock. I have old friends and new friends. Friends who are close to genius and ones who are a little off. I love them all. MT you know you are the dearest to me. You are the only one who can get to the hard places in my heart.

Valentines Day? BAH! Go out and make this day what you will. Maybe you will be lucky enough to get some candy or flowers out of it. Or maybe even a nice dinner. But please, whatever you do, do not make this the only day you show your love. Love is in all forms, in all faces, in all hearts and not just this one day. Happy Hearts ♥ Always.

Ain't No Sunshine.

2010-01-24T18:31:00.004-06:00

It is hard to believe that January is almost over. Whew! There ya go. It means that we are that much closer to Spring! I am not a "winter" kind of gal. I do not like being cold. I do not like ice or snow. The sun has not been out in over 2 weeks! They say we may have sunshine this week but it will not last more than a day, if it lasts that long. Why is it that the coldest time of the year is also the most sad and dreary??

It is hard to smile when there is no sun. It is easy to be lazy and tired and clueless this time of year. The demons are darker, the depression is keener. Not that I am crazy depressed or anything...I just mean it is easier to fall into it this time of year.

My dog, the lovely Babette, had an awful eye ulcer. In the past 2 weeks it has cost $400 for her to get well. I have no money. I buy my clothes at Goodwill. I skimp on groceries to try to pay the bills. There are things on my house that desperately need to be fixed but I cannot fix them And let's not even go into the amount of dental work I STILL need even after the $1,000 I have already spent on my mouth. But there was no hesitation when it came to making my dog better. Funny how a little bundle of fur can depend 100% on you taking care of her. It makes you aware that when you take responsibility for a life you need to really mean it. Even if that little life has four legs.

So when it is cold or dark and life is distressing you can look at the little dog and she will trust you completely without question. She knows she cannot do it on her own....she needs your love and care. Maybe it is very good to have a dog in the middle of winter. Maybe we could learn a lesson from them. Maybe every once in a while all we want is someone to take care of us and pet us on the head.

Jack Frost is nipping at my nose.

2010-01-04T16:32:00.003-06:00

It is so cold in my office I think I might get frost bite! I mean Jack Frost must be in some kind of a bad mood! The other end of the office is warm and toasty but down at this end if feels like a meat locker, as if I have ever been in a meat locker! But I imagine it feels like this. At lunch today I had to walk over to the bank and it was 9 degrees with a MINUS 6 wind chill. When I was a kid we did not have wind chill factors. We knew it was cold. We just did not know how cold it really felt. In grade school the girls still wore dresses back in the day. We could wear long pants ONLY if the temperature was below 32 degrees in the morning when school started. And jeans?? We could not wear jeans at all period. I think I was in junior high before we could finally wear jeans to school. There was a big high school walk out to protest us not getting to wear jeans to school. This was the early 70’s. I mean the age of Woodstock and Vietnam and we could not wear jeans to school. That seems like it would not be possible… but it is. Funny how things change and you don’t even notice. Seems almost unbelievable that I went to school back when girls could not wear pants! Today I have on pants and tights and fuzzy socks and 2 shirts and 2 sweaters but Jack Frost is still nipping at my nose and ears and fingers…..Thank goodness I don’t have to wear a dress!!

A new year

2010-01-02T12:01:00.004-06:00

Happy 2010. A new year. A new decade! I have to say that I was not that fond of the past 10 years. Maybe this new decade will be full of surprises and joys! I sure hope so!
Where do you think you will be in 10 years? Oh you are right, I hate things like that. How about where were you 10 years AGO? I was 43 and did not know how YOUNG I was! (You know it is like the thing where you think you are fat and then years in the future you look back and think DANG I looked so GOOD back then...now I am 20 pounds HEAVIER!) LOL I was discussing with my friend Gale this weekend that we used to go to dinner AND a movie and now we have to decide which one we would rather do because we do not have the energy or money for both!
10 years ago my son was 10 and in grade school. He is now 20 and in his second year of college! He went to Ireland last year and will go to Israel this year. In the past 10 years he learned to drive and graduated from high school. He has come a long way! Maybe it is fitting that your life comes so far when you are young enough to handle the changes!!
If you are reading this then you have access to the Internet. I think the thing socially that has made a change in how I meet new people and stay in touch the past 10 years is my computer and the Internet. I have made some wonderful friends over the Internet. And no it was not Internet dating or anything like that! It is a way to stay in touch. I stay in touch with my cousin who lives in Tennessee. We can chat or she can text me and we help each other make it through the day. It is a way to say hi to someone you love but not have to bother them with a phone call. With an email they can answer at their leisure!
This year I stayed in touch with Gabriela ,who I knew vaguely, but when she had to go to Romania when her father was ill it was a way to reach out to someone in pain and to cultivate a friendship that is now very dear to me! I got to know a kind soul in Jeffry (who claims he is from the planet Saturn but we love him anyway) on Facebook. I got back in touch with Digger who I went to grade school with many moons ago. Email has been a way for me to get in touch with a big group at one time so we can all meet up for dinner! SO much easier than making 12 phone calls.
I want to send a special Internet hi to my blog friend Walker! You make me smile! And a hug to Donna who is probably the only other person who wanders on here to read my thoughts. I am glad we can be in touch and I hope to see you at more plays!!
The Internet is not the only place I made friends this year...This year I met my dear Hera in a high school lobby while buying tickets to an awesome production of Les Miserable! It pays to strike up a conversation with the person next to you in line. My life is so much richer with her in my life. I also met Beth at an awards dinner. If I used every colorful word I know to describe her I still could not.
It goes without saying the single event that had the largest impact on my life the past 10 years was the loss of my beloved dad. It has been 2 years now. We have survived even when we thought we would not. I am at a place now where some days he seems so real to me. I still carry him in my heart and use him to stay strong.
So here we are ready to face a new year. Excited. Scared. Bewildered. It is like a blank page ready to be written on. Some of us will pick up a pen. Some of us a brush. Others of us will type. As long as we try, we think, we love, we create....We are not alone. We have each other.
We can do this. Happy new possibilities to us all.

I miss my Dad. I need a hug.

2009-11-21T14:43:00.003-06:00

I miss my dad. I need a hug.

Heavy sigh...Today I was minding my own business and some chick pulls into my lane. I am okay. Mom is okay. Car bumper is scratched.
But this chick says I hit her. She is clearly at fault. I am so sad. I am so tired of people taking advantage of me. Stop walking all over me!

If my dad were here he would hug me. One of those excellent bear hugs of his. The kind that let you know you are safe. The kind that make you cry because you can let it all out and know that someone will take care of you.

I don't care how old you get to be, or how hard you make your heart, there are times when you need to be protected. Times when you want someone to make the world go away. Times when you just need to be hugged. And when that is gone. You feel sad. I miss that the most. The one person in the world that protected me. I think I would give anything to have that feeling again. To have that safe place. To have that hug.

2009-11-19T16:52:00.006-06:00

I was feeling very UN Thanksgiving like for the past week or so. You know the story..last thing we did with Dad was celebrate our Thanksgiving on Sunday. The last "good" day he had was in the hospital ON Thanksgiving. Then ....well you know the rest. So I was thinking this year would be a good year to go to McDonald's or a pizza parlor or something very UN Thanksgiving like.

But then, Monday, after having a tooth extracted ( yes me but don't ask & ouch) my mother surprised me by saying she was thinking about making a Thanksgiving meal. Would I mind? Would I mind!?! I was excited!! Signs of life!! Oh joy!

I started feeling Thankful. I even had a dream about my dad! That never happens. Maybe once since he died. This one was very vivid I heard his voice as clear as a starry night. He was telling me not to worry about the bread or he was bringing the bread or had the bread...whatever I guess dad has the bread part of the meal taken care of! Ha ha.

So I guess I am Thankful....again. Thanks Dad! I hope someone has some butter for this bread.

Just Breathe

2009-10-27T10:08:00.004-05:00

It has been FAR too long since I have sat down at this keyboard and journeyed down this road. It is not that I am "together" now or even that I have fallen so far "down". I really don't know what it is. Laziness, perhaps? Fear, maybe? Fear that it looks like all I do is whine? Fear that I am putting too much of myself out there? I don't know.
It has been gloomy here for most of October. It rains all the time. Chilly, cloudy, rainy. It is depressing.
Today mom and I go to the lawyer's office. Today is the day when they tell us that we are either going to persue a case regarding dad's death, or that we need to just walk away. Either option brings pain with it. Just the thought of the lawyer's office makes me sick to my stomach. I have to keep reminding my self to breathe. Even now, sitting here in my home, I can barely breathe with the thought of having to go into that office. There is nothing there but pain. We constantly have to relive the last moments of dad's life when we go there. It is too much to handle. It all comes back. Just when you think you have tucked the pain away a little, there you are in that office having to go to that place again. It is like reliving it all anew.
Whatever happens in there today, we need to walk out strong. We need to remember to Just Breathe.

2009-08-13T21:37:00.003-05:00

Wow. I had not realized it has been nearly 3 months since I have been on here. Maybe that means I have been healing from the loss of dad? Maybe I have been playing too much on Facebook and MySpace?

I am well. Beloved Son will start sophmore year of college next week. You don't know how crazy that is to type that but even crazier is he will be 20 years old in November!! My baby! 20 years old??

I wish I had logged on here earlier than this. I am tired and heading for bed.

So, gentle reader. Beloved friend. Magical cosmos. Please know that I am well. I will try to catch up with you very soon. May there be Peace in your soul and may life smile at you and be ever kind.

Fractured, Broken and Shattered

2009-04-21T13:15:00.004-05:00

I think I am feeling a little fractured today. Tomorrow mom and I go to the lawyer’s office. It always makes me feel the way you feel before going to the doctor. All tied up in knots with your stomach clenched and your heart beating like a drum. The waiting room in the lawyer’s office is like a cross between a doctor’s office and a mortuary. It is that kind of a place. I guess you don’t want your lawyer to be laughing but a little lightening of the spirit by way of room decor sure would not be a bad idea.

I am not sure what we will hear when we go. It has been a year and a half since dad was murdered…oops did I type that out loud? See my heart is racing now. I do not want to have to think about the days leading to his death. To the days they ignored his pain, the day they killed him, the days he was on a machine but really was dead. It makes me sick. I feel like I could throw up. And this is how I will feel until we walk out of that office tomorrow knowing if we are going to sue or not. I pray to God that we can do something. I want closure. I want some security for my poor mother who does not think she can buy an ice cream cone when she is out, or go to the movies because she does not have enough money to pay her bills. I want to be able to go one day without reliving all of the agony. One day without seeing my mother crying and broken.

But mostly I want the murdering bastards at DePaul Medical Center to face the fact that their carelessness resulted in a shattering of many lives because they killed a really great person – my dad.

I Find My Friends on the Internet

2009-04-17T16:14:00.002-05:00

The Internet is an amazing thing. You can sit in your home and watch video of a woman in Britain who people laugh at when she says she wants to sing and then cheer her when she opens her mouth and a beautiful voice comes out. You can have 1 million people sign up to have someone “tweet” at them so you can be privy to their every whim every second of the day. You can watch both beauty and devastation from the recliner in your living room while you eat popcorn and play fetch with your dog.

You can escape into your screen and ignore your family and your obligations and become addicted to games about Vampires or sites like Facebook and MySpace. The computer can alienate you from your family and friends but, in some cases, it can also introduce you to people who you would NEVER meet under every day life circumstances. People who touch your heart and become your friends. I am thinking about the Internet now as I wait word from a dear friend whom I have never met. A man who is waiting for his father to die. A father who was removed from machines so that God can take charge of what is to be. Does this sound familiar to me? You bet it does.

I met JG on Facebook. It was one of those I click on someone and then click on someone else and finally somewhere down the line I wind up on a page of someone who touches something in me. This has happened a few times with MySpace too. I have made some lovely friends on MySpace who I feel are my dear friends. We cheer each other when we are down and truly care about each other. My Facebook friend I found when he had a status about his dad being sick. The “Daddy” thing totally gets my attention every time.

I have been emailing and Facebooking JG ever since. There have been many more downs then ups and then the bad news this week. It is just a matter of time. Although I have never met JG, I consider him a friend. I have been emailing him a lot the past few days because I remember vividly how it was with my dad. How alone I felt. How confused. How lost. When a few of my friends failed to show up or contact me it was a huge blow to everything that I had always believed my life to be. First my dad suffered, then he was gone and my support system was damaged. I never want anyone to go through that.

So I email my friend JG and offer a cyber hug and a typed hand to hold. Knowing that life has a way of turning on a dime. That some things you know to be true turn out to be falser than you could have thought possible. And that sometimes your support and friends come from the most unlikely of places. Like the Internet.

Easter Under The Blankets

2009-04-13T16:36:00.005-05:00

Some days you just feel like you need to stay in bed. What is it about your bed that makes you feel safe and snug? Is it the blanket that you can pull up over your head? We all know that your blanket saves you from the monsters under your bed! Maybe it is your favorite pillow that makes it all better? I don’t know but this weekend I just wanted to stay in bed. So I did.

I guess I missed Easter. Oh well. The number of times I have gone to church since Dad died you could count on one hand. In fact you could maybe count them on one finger, no I think two. Sigh, I don’t want to be there. Dad was the church goer in our family. Sure my son went with him all the time but Dad belonged there. He never met a stranger. He loved to sit in the front row and snore through Pastor John’s sermon. But he was a church goer from long ago. One of the things that showed me true love was at the end of my 93 year old grandmother’s life. She was surrounded by dad and all of his sisters. They would gather at night and sign hymns. It was so beautiful. It was spiritual. It was holy. It was love.

I don’t find much solace at church right now. You would think after almost a year and a half that God and I would find some sort of middle ground. But I still have far more questions than I have answers. I so admire those that believe without question. The ones who feel the light and the love. When I say “Our Father” I really only think about MY father and why he is not with me. I think I believe in Heaven and that we will be together again. I want to believe it. I want to believe that my dad looks over us and knows when good things happen. That he was there in Ireland with Ryan. That he comforts mom when she cries. Maybe I am supposed to think of God like a father to me? Like my father? Oh this is not supposed to be about religion. I do not like to talk religion to anyone.

My point is. I spent Easter pretty much in bed. No Easter basket. No chocolate bunny. No ham sandwich. It was just a day. A cloudy, rainy, cold day. Not a celebration of re birth but a put your head under the blanket to keep the monsters away kind of day.
It would have been so much better with a chocolate bunny!

I Feel Him in the Wind

2009-02-27T19:38:00.008-06:00

I actually posted a part of this in a blog on my MySpace page but after typing it decided that it fit perfectly in the blog here about my dad. I have been feeling him all around the past few weeks. It has been a good feeling. A comforting feeling. Kind of like a soft breeze.

I live about 1 mile (as the crow flies) from the highway, or Interstate if you prefer. If that crow keeps flying I am also about 1 mile from the Mississippi River...but that is another story....for now I am thinking about the highway, the wind and "the sound".

The past few days the temps have been almost spring like. Such a welcome relief from the dreariness of winter. So the past two days a few of my windows have been open a bit. My bathroom window faces toward the direction of the highway...and I noticed when I walked past... "the sound". It is a special sound that I like to hear. I know some people will say their favorite sound is a child's laugh or singing in church or something highly beautiful and spiritual....but I like the sounds of the highway....the trucks and cars zooming past....it reminds me of VACATION!!

My grandparents moved to FLA when I was in grade school. So every year we HAD to go to FLA for vacation. I got a little jaded about this as it was a very long drive from St. Louis to FLA....the drive is a lot shorter now thanks to Interstates .....but back in the day it took 24 hours from our driveway to my grandparents driveway. To a kid that was a LONG time. Now that I am not a kid it is STILL a long time.

I spent most of the time sleeping in the backseat. When I got older I stayed up the entire time keeping the driver (my dad) company on the long drive. Those were special times just me and my dad alone in a car driving down the road listening to the radio and talking about everything. "The sound" was there all the time. Stopping at gas stations you heard the humming of the cars at they passed. Most of the time we set out in the middle of the night and the sound was a comfort and a sign that we were on vacation. It was always such a treat to get out of the car somewhere in Georgia leaving the bitter cold of a midwest winter and feeling the heat of the south. AHH good times.

I also remember hearing "the sound" when we would stop at a motel and spend the night. It would be the wee hours of a long day and the only sounds you heard were the sounds from the highway. So "the sound" came to mean vacation to me.

Last night I stopped at a gas starion right on the IL- MO border to fill up my car and I stood there pumping gas with my eyes closed and a spring breeze blowing my hair and the SOUND all around me. I never really took the time to notice before that the sound was so near until last night. I could not help but feel my dad all around too. He was in the wind. He was in the sound. So imagine my delight walking past the bathroom door last night and hearing The SOUND right in my own house!! It is like being on vacation....with my dad.

Karma, Dad or Just Some Bad Germs?

2009-01-10T10:40:00.013-06:00

My mother got sick the night before New Year's Eve. Whine, whine, blah, blah. Yeah, that is what I thought until three days later when yours truly gets hit by it too! Followed by beloved son a day or two later. Which lead me to ponder: Was this some Karma hint from my Dad telling me to lay off my mom??

We tend to all lay responsibility for whatever happens in our life at Dad's feet. If something glorious happens, like beloved son winning trip to Ireland, everyone says "Gramps was working on that one" or "Your dad did that". If there is an unusual sound or something unexpected we hear "Glenn must be here". Now I am NOT denying that I think it myself. Because my Dad ALWAYS took care of us. And it if comforting to really believe that he is always around in some way. But when I found myself thinking that Dad was putting a Karma thump on my head and making me sick to show me a lesson, I decided maybe I better take responsibility for some things myself.

So yes when I woke up with ghastly plague I soon became much more aware of how easily I brushed my mother off when she said she was sicker than she had ever been. Maybe it was Karma showing me the error of my ways and telling me to be a better person in 2009. But maybe it was just germs that we picked up around town because our neighbor got it too! I don't think that Dad would "Karma" over to mom's dear friend and lay a horrid virus on her to teach her to be a better person in this new year.

So in 2009 I will try to be a better person, a kinder person, a more gentle person. Karma? Well, who wants to take a chance? Maybe there is a lot to this Karma thing. And maybe Dad really is hanging around making sure everyone is doing their job. Maybe he is up in heaven making some great things happen and guiding us the way he always did. And maybe down here he makes a little noise so we know he is enjoying our lives and watching us.

All I know is that when people are sick you should be kind to them because when you are sick you will want the same from them. When people struggle give them a hand. When good things happen it is good to remember those you love even if they are no longer physically there.

See Karma I am trying!! oh and thanks Dad, for Ryan's trip to Ireland!

2009 There Is Always Hope

2009-01-01T22:50:00.007-06:00

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. That was a popular quote back in the 70's but it really speaks the truth. Today IS the first day of 2009. A new year. The older I get the more apprehensive I am with each new year. Maybe it is because I have seen years start with such high hopes only to see the dreams that you had never come true. Or maybe I am afraid of what the future could hold.
I sure did not see dad's death coming in 2007 when I was ringing in THAT new year. Some years I just want to go to bed before midnight and have the new year come creeping in without me noticing and just waking up to a brand new year with no fuss about it.
I have decided to change my blog a little. For the first year without my dad it helped me to just focus on my life without him and how that shaped my life and changed me and everyone around me. Now I will broaden it to be more encompassing of life in general... but dad is a constant in my life always and forever.
So today we head into a new year with hope in our hearts and the promise of a bright year...because today really is the first day of the rest of your life and there is always hope. Always.

Christmas Eve 2008

2008-12-24T15:28:00.006-06:00

It is Christmas Eve. The second without my dad. Funny because it almost seems like the first without him. Last year we were in such shock that I don't even know if we realized it was Christmas. There is an emptiness here. I mean it was always only 4 of us so now 3 is not a huge crowd for a Christmas dinner or festivities. But we will open presents and be glad that we are spending Christmas together. The older I get the less I enjoy Christmas. Maybe Ryan is right. Maybe I will start celebrating Chanukkah!

One Year Without My Dad

2008-11-29T19:26:00.007-06:00

To the left is the last picture of my dad. It was taken 2 days before Dad had surgery. It was the Sunday the week of Thanksgiving and since he would be in the hospital for Thanksgiving we had our meal that day. This is the most painful picture for me to look at. I have lots of pictures of him but this one hurts me. I guess because it is the last. I look at us and know that we have no idea what was in store. Ignorance is bliss. If you could know what the future has in store would you want to? I say no.

One year ago today we lost my dad. It is not as if we misplaced him. Lost sounds like we were careless and don't remember where we left him. It has been a goal to reach this one year milestone. It has been a hard earned path to this victory. Even now I sit and watch the Christmas movies that I watched last year. Tonight White Christmas is on. I remember that dad and I watched that movie last year. I am not going to watch it tonight. I am not sure I could. But I am taping it to the DVR to watch sometime in the next few weeks.

I know that the official date of dad's "loss" is Nov. 29, 2007 but I also know the real date he left us was Nov. 26. That day, for me, was harder than today. I found myself the entire day on the 25th reminding myself that one year ago was the last time I saw my father alive. I remember what I said or at least I try to. I remember that I just wanted to get him home out of that awful hospital where we could love him and care for him.

For a year I have carried with me the burden of lost moments. I was the one who kept insisting that we needed to let him rest. That although they let people in ICU now days we should keep our visits short so he could sleep and get strong and come home. I have punished myself over and over with the guilt of time. Why didn't I see it? Why didn't I realize that it was the last chance? I thought I was doing right. I thought I was helping him. For a year I have seen daily this precious time that I did not allow us to have with him. This was my fault. Mine alone. I thought we had time...but we did not.

I cry for the man my son has become this last year. The pain that he hides. The maturity he has gained. I cry the tears my dad would have cried. The pride he always had in him that only now would be intensified a thousand times with High School honors, his first semester of college and finally getting that drivers license.

I cry for my mom who has been to hell and half way back. The loss of her best friend, her protector, the love of her life. How hard it has been for her. She has taken great strides the past few months and is finally feeling the sun again even though she is still lost without dad.

I cry most for me. For the little girl I will always be inside but no longer outside. I cry for the love I have lost, the love that only a father can have for his little girl. I will never feel that love again. I will never feel that safe again. And I cry those tears of lost moments from a year ago when a little girl only wanted what was best for her daddy but wound up instead leaving him alone those precious last days that would lead to the end.

But we bravely head into the 2nd year without my dad. Wiser people than I have told me that the "year of firsts" is the hardest and that now it will still be hard but not in the same way the first year was. My son will grow even more confident and independent. My mother will learn to walk a little farther. And I will live with the personal guilt that I could have had more time with my dad..if only..but I will try to be kinder to myself about that, if I can.

My son's birthday

2008-11-15T19:10:00.003-06:00

Today is my son's 19th birthday. As I sat on the sofa at mom's I started to tear up. This was the exact spot my father sat 19 years and 1 day ago when he came home from work at midnight and I came in and told him I was in labor. This is where he sat and called out the time of my contractions so I would know when they were almost over. I miss my dad.
I had back labor the entire time and my mom and dad were there rubbing my back for hours. They were with me every second in the hospital. I could not ask for better parents.
I was 33 and unmarried when I was pregnant and they never passed judgement on me. I was not a kid, I had a job, but it still meant the world to me that they were not ashamed of me.
My father was over the moon with pride in my son. I know that he helped my son become the hard working, caring young man that he is. I know my dad is smiling down on us right now. But I really wish he were still here in person. I love you dad and I still need you.

Hospital reports and money fears

2008-10-24T10:25:00.003-05:00

Well, last week Mom mom received the hospital reports from the lawyer and she and Pastor John sat down and went over them. That was nice of him to help her out. We were supposed to go to the lawyers office this week but that was cancelled and now we are meeting with them November 5th. I just pray that something can be done. I have not read the reports but understand that the hospital dropped the ball a couple of times regarding things that were supposed to be done but were not. I am not sure what will happen. I cannot even think what will happen to mom if nothing can be done. I won't go there. I realize that money would not bring my dad back to life but it would give my mother a life to live. She cries all the time. She is so afraid that she has no money. She is now living on $1,000 a month. Could YOU do that? This is 50% less than what was coming in when dad was alive. What do you tell her to do? Sell the house in this market? And what would she get? Surely not enough to start a new home even in a small apartment. We just have to believe that something can be done. It still hurts me to think about what happened and how something clearly could have been done to save my father's life. There were so many signs that something was wrong but no one cared enough.
So, that is where we stand now. I am looking forward to putting this all in the hands of someone and getting on with life. Grateful for prayers and for the comfort of friends.
It will be 11 months next week. Can that be true?

Family Reunions Were Better Than Christmas To My Dad

2008-09-21T09:30:00.003-05:00

It has been so long since I have sat down to write here. I am not sure what the reason is....
I need to get back to it.....hello to anyone who comes here to see what is going on....
I am copying to here an email I sent to my family about our reunion yesterday....it is a start...

Yesterday mom and I went to the reunion in Washington, MO. The weather was good, cloudy but not too hot or too cold, the food was plentiful and wonderful as always, the company was loving and welcoming... ..here is how we happened to attend something that my mom has been saying for MONTHS she would not attend....

Mom was pretty adamant about NOT attending because she thought it would be too hard to go since the reunion was like Christmas to my dad. He talked about it all year long.....he loved his family more than anything and this was the chance to have most of them in one place....... .okay, I will admit I cried while typing that.
We go on......

I had asked mom earlier in the week again if she wanted to go and she said no. I told her that I thought we should go because of how much dad loved the reunion and she said she could not go.....I said mom, say you don't want to go...but not that you cannot go....because you can do anything you set your mind to! :o) She did not want to go.

Yesterday while "Internet talking" to Karla I told her I was going to call mom one more time and see if I could get her to go.....when I called mom she said that she had been thinking about going...that she woke up crying and thought she needed to be around people. Well, I thought, what better people than people who loved dad too!!

So off we went. I am so glad that she decided to go. Sure it was hard...you know how dad was organized and kept things rolling.. (a few times I found myself looking around for him when people would ask about the silent action...remember how he would climb up on the bench and yell how much time was left?)...but we had a good time!!
Special thanks to Aunt Peggy for the beautiful prayer which was the only time all day that I cried. After 10 months there are times when it is like it happened yesterday but other times when there is just a warm glow and I know that dad is still with me......

I am so grateful that last year there were so many of us at the reunion. That was so special and meant so much to dad. Little did we know......
but the memories are there forever!!!

Ricky Wright was there yesterday but I did not get to see him because he went home to rest. He has had such a hard year. Please keep him in your prayers. He has completed this round of chemo and goes in later this month to see if the tumor has shrunk. I am sure he is still grieving the loss of his sweet wife Teresa. Prayers to him!

Family means everything. So if there is a reunion in your future you should attend! It is always a blessing to stay connected to your roots.....and there is always good food!!
But I do have to tell you.....no one bids on a silent auction like Vernon Cooper's daughters!!! You guys were missed!!! :o) The bidding was extremely low and uninspiring without you...nothing says love like a few sisters trying to out bid each other!!
(Donna I love my new bracelet! I know Aunt Gloria would have been in heavy competition with me to get it so I literally stole it because she was not there to bump up the price!)

To my family....I love you. Thanks for loving my dad and thanks for not forgetting us in this hardest year of our lives!

My love always and forever,
Cindy

I'm still here

2008-09-02T16:16:00.001-05:00

Hey, I'm still here. Life has gotten in the way of my blog so it has been a while since I have had a minute to sit down and write. I don't even have that minute now but wanted to see if I still remembered where my blog is. Love to all. Will be updating soon.

Happy Father's Day

2008-06-14T08:27:00.004-05:00

I sure miss my dad. The past few weeks the radio and TV are full of ads about telling your father how great he is and what to buy the perfect father. It has been hard. I sometimes need to just stop and take a deep breath and then go on.
I am sitting here now trying to remember what I did last Father's Day. What did I get my dad? Even now I sit here with tears down my cheeks still picturing him down the street, still sure that if I look out my window I will see him in the yard. I can still see him, still hear him. It is still breaking my heart.
I had the greatest dad in the world. He would do anything for me. I always thought that he would be here forever. I was wrong. Nothing has ever hurt this badly. I still ask why...why...did this happen.
Happy Father's Day dad. I will always love you. I will always miss you. I will always ask why.

This Ain't The Love Boat & I Am Not Your Cruise Director

2008-06-08T09:55:00.009-05:00

Okay, I have been feeling a little selfish lately. I seem to think it is all about me, well, isn't it? Should it be? Alright so it is not about me, but for a moment can we just let it bet this way?

Remember back in the 70's or 80's the show The Love Boat? There was Julie, the cruise director, who was in charge of all the activities so that everyone was entertained and kept busy with fun things to do so they did not get bored. Well folks, this is NOT the Love Boat, there is not a celebrity guest star in sight, and I am not your cruise director!

For the last six months I feel like I cannot find time for myself. Mom and the son are always eager to "do something" or "go somewhere" on the weekends when after a week of working all I want to do is SIT AT HOME and do NOTHING. I realize that everyone is still grieving about dad. And we all think about him all day long and there are days when we think we cannot possibly go on sitting in his house or being around the places that remind us the most of him. But there are seven days in a week and not everything needs to be done on the weekend, or most especially, things can be done without me. Don't get me wrong I am a party animal. I like to go to the movies and out to eat and to the mall but it does not have to be every single weekend.

Every Saturday I am asked, Are you going somewhere? Do you want to do something? Let's go somewhere/do something? Now that it is summer this is coming from two people who sit home Mon-Fri just waiting for the weekend to do something! Hello! People who do not work during the week should take advantage of going to the places when they are not crowded while everyone else is at work. I took a week's vacation and had ONE DAY when I did not have to haul son around. It is seven days a week non stop with the two of them. I love them most dearly, really I do. Youngster needs to learn to drive and mom needs to spread her wings.

I love you Dad and I really miss you, you were so good at this stuff I cannot even begin to fill your shoes. You were always ready to go, looking for an adventure. You spoiled us all.

To be perfectly honest the last week has been much better. Mom actually took the son to play rehearal one afternoon and she met people for lunch one day even driving to a place she was not sure how to get to! Plus she has lunch plans next week too! Sonny boy has been studying for his written drivers test to get a permit and then he will be well on his way.

Maybe soon my cruise director job will not be as demanding as it has been. But something tells me that I will still be the one in charge of the fun and games department. Should be fun when the guest stars show up! Has anyone seen Charo lately?

Dreams

2008-05-26T10:19:00.005-05:00

Last night I dreamt of my father. I don't know if I have done that before...this may be the first time in 6 months that I have. He did not speak to me or give me any advice, although I will admit that would have been wonderful. He was just THERE, ya know? He was very present. I could see him clearly. I could remember every line, every hair, every pore. I seemed to focus on his hand. Maybe because in the end I held his hand so much? I wanted to hold his hand forever. My dream was so real. It almost made me forget....but I did not....we are in the "twenty's" again aren't we?

Yesterday we had a party for my son's graduation. I am so proud of this boy. He is everything a person could ask for. The party was at our house and it was lovely. I had wanted to have it down at my mom & dad's because they have a large patio with a lot of room and because that way I would have felt that dad was there. But it rained so we had everyone to our house. We had a few friends and family and that is all you really need. It was a small and intimate open house. We so appreciated everyone taking the time to come by. It meant so much to both of us. The only thing missing was my dad. But he was there. I know it. Because he was still there for my dream.

Magna Cum Laude High School Grauate

2008-05-19T16:33:00.003-05:00

Well my baby is a high school graduate! I am so very proud of him. We actually made it through the graduation ceremony without tears....okay maybe I had one or two...but it was not bad.
My dad would have been bursting his buttons with pride. I am sure he is in heaven telling everyone, "That is MY grandson".
My father drove this kid to school every day for 3 1/2 years and picked him up too. If not for gramps there would have been no school, or plays, or parties. Gramps never once complained about having to sit in a hot car in a parking lot for 3 hours waiting for a play rehearsal that was longer than what the schedule said it would be. He never lost his temper at last minute drives or late the night calls from a daughter who just did not have the energy to drive out to "who knows where" to pick up the kid. We are grateful for all the miles and minutes that gramps gave unselfishly to the cause. You are a huge part of who Ryan is today. Gramps, you did a great job...this kid is a good boy! Thank you. Thank you so much.

There Are Still Tears

2008-05-16T09:30:00.003-05:00

Last night was the Baccalaureate Mass for my son's high school graduating class. It was a lovely ceremony. There were several times when parents and grandparents were mentioned. Sister said that she hoped the kids would remember the sacrifices that parents and grandparents made to send them to this school. She had all the parents and grandparents stand, etc.

After the service I saw my son in the lobby and someone asked him if he was okay and he started crying. He said it was all the talk about grandparents. It broke my heart. He hugged several people who comforted him. I know that it is really hard right now for all of us. Ryan tries to be grown up and he is. He is very mature and strong. But I have to remember that inside he is still a little boy who misses his gramps.

These are hard weeks

2008-05-03T09:36:00.009-05:00

I have been thinking about my dad a lot the past week. This has been a really hard week for me. My son won a big award at school. The highest honor they have. An award about academics and character. We are so proud of him. Mom and I cried. We cried because we love him and because Gramps would be so proud of his boy! I know dad would still be walking around with a glow of pride even now 5 days later.
In two short weeks it will be high school graduation. I wish dad were here for that too. I keep trying to figure out a proper graduation party or open house and I always cry. Dad would be setting up the world's largest bar-b-que and have every detail defined. He would be getting things ready today. See I am crying again. This is almost harder than any time between November and now.
When dad first died it was all shock and fog. Christmas was still shock but the world is kinder then so it was different. Right now is outright pain. The loss is so real and so present. I sometimes wonder how I will get through the next few weeks. I have cried every day for a week while sitting at work. It is just hitting me too hard right now.
I thank KK as always for being my support when I email her crying and talking about my loss. I could never have made it without her. She is in my heart and my thoughts every moment. I love you my savage cousin! Thanks for always holding me up!
Tonight we go to the theatre where my son will get a scholarship from the theatre group he loves the most. They are always there for him. And again tonight I will cry because Dad is not here to share this honor. I always thought when spring got here I would be stronger. Well, there is always the summer.

This is the way, Walk in it.

2008-04-25T09:40:00.005-05:00

We are in the 20’s for the 5th time now. It has been five long months. It still hurts but now the ache is more dull. Not really easier to take just a little different now. I still miss dad every day of my life. I want so badly for him to be home. That part still hurts sharply. The weather is turning to be more “springy” and dad should be in the yard all day long. Planting and mowing and taking care of things. I really want to look out my window and see that. I still cry. The pain still hits me when I don’t expect it to. But it is five months now. We have survived for five months. Am I still going to be counting the 20’s five years from now?

I had started writing this yesterday before my mom called about the primary doctor calling to see if she had any questions about the autopsy....well we were doing good. Poor mom. She is trying so hard and had finally gotten to a point where every minute she did not see dad at the hospital...and then this brings it all back. But we will be strong.

A dear friend of mine just sent me an email with this Bible verse: “How gracious he will be when you cry for help . . . Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, ‘This is the way, walk in it.’” (Isaiah 30:19, 21) This is what we must remember. To follow the path. To trust that God will hold us and lead us.

DePaul Hospital kills people and then tries to cover it up

2008-04-24T16:27:00.003-05:00

Mom just called me crying. Said the doctor called her that he finally got dad's papers (I guess autopsy) Said there was nothing in there about a tear in his heart or anything. I KNEW those bastards were up to something. I KNEW that the only reason that murdering doctor worked so long & hard on Dad and took him to ER after he died was just to FIX his "mistake". I am furious. I just pray that the lawyers can fight for what really happened!! You cannot kill someone and then fix it to cover up what you did....You just cannot be able to do that. Please God make that not happen. It has always been suspicious that they did the autopsy right away when the nurses had told us it would be days before they could get a team together. They did it to cover up their mistake. They denied us the right to donate dad's tissues because they ignored our wishes just so they could hurry up and cover up all the things that they neglected. I will not let them get away with this. DePaul Hospital in St. Louis, Mo MURDERS people and then tries to cover it up. Bottom line. I pray to God for the strength to take them down and tarnish their reputation.
They can not kill my father and get away with it. They just can't.

You Got A Friend

2008-04-13T09:43:00.015-05:00

Today it is cold and cloudy. The grass is getting greener and there are buds on the trees. There are some flowers brave enough to be open but where is the sunshine and warmth? I think the warmth is within you. The happiness is within you. You make your own sunshine. You find your own joy.

........Last night I was lucky enough to spend the evening with some warm and loving people. I went to trivia at church. Okay, maybe not everyone's idea of fun. But we had fun. Honest. The best thing was that I got to spend time with friends. Yes, friends. I know I was on here whining not that long ago about losing two of my friends when I lost my dad. But last night I saw in a new light two different friends. I got the blessing of reconnecting with a dear old friend who I rarely get a chance to see. And having fun with a new friend who I love dearly as well. They opened my eyes and my heart to what I have been missing for months. The need to feel a connection with someone who you care about who cares about you. I spend so much time and energy trying to be all together and brave and secure in my life, I forgot how nice it is to just laugh. How healing it is to have friends.

........My friends M & K (okay I hate to use people's names because it just seems like they should have some say in if their names should be sent out into the great unknown net) are the most amazing people I know. They are kind and smart and funny. I had such a good time. I can't remember the last time I had fun.

........Last night made me realize how much I miss my old friend M ( I know I am not using her name but if there is anyone out there who knows me and cannot figure this one out shame on you!) How much fun we used to have as kids. We were young and naive but we had fun. Now we are older but we can still have the same fun. It showed me how much I miss spending time with her and I truly hope that in the future we can get together much more often. I have missed you M more than I even thought I could! I know you are always my friend and will be forever and you would be here in a second if I needed you...but it is so nice to spend time with you just because it is fun and I love to be with you. I sure hope we can do better than seeing each other 2 times a year!

........My friend K is new to my life. But I instantly loved her when I got to know her. The more I know her the more I love her. She has all the qualities and kindness of M. She is also funny and smart and caring with a good heart and I was really so happy that she could make it last night! I guess you are never too old to make a good friend. (Hugs to you Bean!)

.........These two woman shared with me sadness from their lives and in turn helped me to know that I am not alone in my journey of over coming heart break. They are brave and caring and everything I dream to become.

........So today it may be cold and cloudy outside, but in my heart the sun is shining and the flowers are blooming because I have friends. Good friends. Maybe God just knows there comes a time for you to stop trying to do it alone ....There comes a time......when you need a friend.

Laughter is like music

2008-04-10T20:55:00.005-05:00

My mother is still on her trip to the Grand Canyon and parts around there. She has called me at least twice a day since she has been gone. Sure, it is a pain in the neck. I keep telling her she is on vacation and needs to stop calling here. That falls on deaf ears and she keeps calling. But tonight it was different. She was laughing! It was nice. Laughter. Real laughter not the fake I am trying to convince people that I am okay laughter. I think this trip with her friend Sharon has been a blessing and a healing of the soul. They are already talking about future trips. Sharon is an angel.
Friends can heal you. Old dear friends can heal you and make you laugh again. Special thank you to my dear friend Mary who called me today and made me remember why I love her so much just by being herself.
Laughter is the best medicine but you need to have a dear friend to be the doctor who dishes this medicine out!

No small parts only small actors

2008-04-04T12:10:00.004-05:00

It is so hard to see someone you love in pain. It is even harder when that someone is your child.

My son has carried around a lot of pain the past several months. First his dog died after 13 years, he never really remembered life without Sheriff since he got him when he was 4 years old. Sheriff was his best friend. Then we lost Gramps, this loss was devestating to my son. The only father figure in his life. Gramps was Ryan's number one fan. It was truly the most horrible loss. It has been so hard on him and he was just coming to some kind of terms with it and thinking of the next major life change of graduating from High School and now another blow. He got accepted at the college he wants to attend but not the program he had his heart set on. He got the news yesterday. It was so heart wrenching to see the pain. There was nothing I could do but reassure him that we have been through worse than this. I understand that this is like another punch in the gut to the kid. I know that things happen for a reason but sometimes it is so hard to figure out what that reason can possibly be. To have a dream and to believe it will come true only to have it turn it's back on you is so hard. Especially when you are a child who is trying to become a man.

So I will hug him and tell him that it will all be okay. I really believe that it will and somewhere down the line he will be grateful for what seems to be a set back at this time. This is where my dad was so good at bear hugs and making you feel better. It is just so unfair for this kid to have to deal with heart ache again. He is such a good boy. But he is strong and he will bounce back. Bouncing back is good; it is just hitting the ground before the bounce that hurts.

My darling son, Do not ever stop dreaming. It is what makes life beautiful. The world would be an awful place without the dreamers. You can do anything you set your mind to. The world is a blank canvas just waiting for you to pick up the brush and start your work of art. You are amazing. I am so proud of you and can't wait to watch your continuing journey to becoming a man. So keep dreaming and when life knocks you down-bounce!

Friends and Friendships

2008-04-02T20:14:00.005-05:00

Mom arrived safely in Salt Lake City today to spend time with a childhood friend. This will be good for her. A breather away from a house haunted with the memory of my father. Maybe "haunted" is not the correct word, that implies something scary. It is in fact NOT scary. But the truth of it is that he IS there everywhere. I can see him in the yard, in the car, in every room of the house. Tonight I climbed into his closet and cried while I hugged his clothes. I just wanted to feel him hug me. I wanted to smell him on his clothes. I wanted to surround myself with him. I buried my face in his jackets and cried while I held them all around me. I wanted to open my eyes and see him there wondering what I was doing in his closet. Well, I seem to be going off into another direction when I really wanted to talk about friendship.

I often feel like I have no one. I have recently pondered about how alone I really am. Mom has a friend who comes over every single night to sit with her and watch TV for a while. That is so nice for mom to know that every night she will have a friend visit. And now mom is spending time with a friend from her childhood. They have kept in touch all these years even miles apart. They have both suffered losses recently so they can understand the sorrow and the need for courage. They can lean on each other and hold each other up. Her friend said come out and see me and stay for as long as you want. That friendship is something wonderful that has lasted a long, long time. I too have friends from my childhood. Mary in particular I know would be here for me in a second if I needed her. I am grateful to her and I know that she is in my heart and I am in hers. She is a beautifully spiritual person and my good friend. She is a sister to me.

But Dad's death brought with it some sad, bewildering revelations about friends and friendships. I have not wanted to address it at all, but in realizing how alone I am I figured I might as well put it out there. I have two friends I have known for over 20 -30 years who I thought would have my back forever, but they have been missing from my life totally for four months. No calls, no contact. Nothing at all since dad went in the hospital. Oh sure, there was the sympathy card from both and a two minute phone call from one, but other than that there has been nothing. I am confused, saddened, hurt by this. These were what I thought were my two best friends. Friends I shopped with, had lunch with, thought I would grow old with. I know there must be reasons for this lack of contact but I do not know what they are. I used to cry about it, but now I simply accept it for what it is. I will not call them though. It hurts me too much. I know that makes me as bad as them, but I cannot help it. How can you not be there when someone's world is falling apart? I thought that was what friends were all about. That is why I feel so alone. The two people I put all my faith in have not been here for me.

On the positive side some people have shown themselves to be more than friends. They have reached out to catch me. There are friends at work who are there to hug me and to sit with me when I cry. They make my life bearable. They are more than work-mates, they are real true friends and I hope I do not take them for granted. I have reconnected with an old, lost friend who called me and emailed me several times a day just to be sure I was okay. It is nice to reconnect with someone after such a long time. And of course I have my beloved KK who is my rock. She was by my side in an instant when I needed her. She made me strong. I know that she loves me and I carry her with me every moment of my life. I will always love you my savage cousin! Thank you so much for the uncountable kindnesses that you have bestowed on me. I can never repay you. And I do have another best friend. My son. I know that there are some who say that you should not be your child's friend, but who are these people anyway!? My son IS my best friend.

So, maybe after thinking this over I really am not as alone as I thought I was. But I still sometimes feel all alone more times than I want to even admit and it is really a sad, lonely feeling. A feeling that makes you want to crawl into a closet and hug some clothes.

Hard moments

2008-03-20T08:35:00.003-05:00

I have had some hard moments the past few days. I have been missing my dad a lot. But then look at the date, we are in the 20's again. Maybe that is it. The other day driving down the street coming home from work it hit me and then again when I was writing on my calendar some upcoming dates for my son (Prom, graduation). God, I miss my dad. It is getting to be spring and I fully expect to see my dad out working in the yard. He loved to work in the yard, to cut grass and plant things. He was always puttering around. So I expect to see him out in the fresh air working or walking with his best friend and the dog. There are moments when it is just too much for me. Sometimes it hurts so much it is like someone hit me in the stomach. It is hard to breathe. I want to be able to hear his voice, to see him out my window. To just know he is there.
I feel so cheated. So heartbroken. So lost. Why did this happen? I know it is unfair of me to ask why, but I sometimes have to ask it. I know I am no more special than others who have suffered a life shattering blow. So I suppose I ask for all of us who are lost and heartbroken. Why?

Pay us $7,000 By Tomorrow....& a Trip for Mom

2008-03-16T09:59:00.003-05:00

I have not written anything in a while. Sometimes I just want it all to go away. I think a lot of the time I pretend it did not happen. I am not sure. I form things in my head that I want to write down for me here, but then I either don't feel like turning on the computer or I just don't want to read sadness again. But here are some updates.....
Last week, the night of March 10 or 11, a collection agency called mom and told her she had to give them $7,000 by the next day. She was reeling with that one. Dad had a credit card in his name only, and even though mom has religiously paid it, they closed the account and turned it over to a collection agency without her knowledge. She called the lawyer who told her since she is not on the account it is not her bill. Tell the collection agency to sue the estate and stop calling her. So she did. Funny thing is a day or two later the credit card company sent her a letter that there had been fraudulent use of the card in Texas on March 10. Something very strange is going on there. Collection agencies feeding on the fears of grieving widows by threatening them is the saddest thing I have heard in a while. Thankfully mom had the sense to call and see what to do. But how many others are out there with no one to ask what to do who just get bullied?
Mom is also going to go to Utah to visit a friend. That should be very good for her and the friend! She and Sharon have been friends since they were kids. Sharon recently lost both her husband and her dear brother. So she and mom can cry and then go off and try to have some fun. I am sure they will succeed with both. It is a blessing to have friends. It is especially a blessing to have friends who are there for you no matter what, through thick and thin. Friends who know that you need something before you do, who will be there even when you do not call. Those are true angels.

Tired Sunday

2008-03-02T15:13:00.004-06:00

I have not left a message on here in a while. I am just tired. Things are about the same with everyone. Mom is still deep in grief. Son is very busy with school and plays. Me, I am just trying to hold it all together still. I sometimes feel I am juggling the world which may account for me being so tired all the time. The weight of the world is very heavy. I have grown quite weary of winter and look forward for it to be done with. Today is warm but cloudy and tomorrow brings rain and sleet ending in snow. Where is spring? Maybe sunshine and flowers will brighten my mood? I hope so. I feel dreary and frozen like winter. But it is the weekend so I am going back to bed. Maybe hibernation is not such a bad idea!

The Lottery Ticket

2008-02-21T17:52:00.002-06:00

My dad used to buy scratch off tickets and lottery tickets. He did it regularly. I have had a lottery ticket on my shelf since December. It had been in my dad's wallet and I put it on my shelf to check it to see if it was a winner. I finally took it off the shelf to check it the other night. It of course brought me to tears. As I held the little pink slip of paper in my hand, I looked at the date November 21, and there they came, the tears. I could not stop. I just kept crying as I looked at that date. The day after dad's surgery. A day my dad was still alive. I held the pink paper and ran my finger over the date as I pictured my dad buying this ticket. How he put it in his wallet to check it later. How he had no idea that he would never get the chance. I could see him so clearly in my mind. I could see his face. I could see the way he would stand. I could hear his voice. All from running my finger over that lottery ticket I had him back with me. Sometimes you buy a chance at a dream by buying a lottery ticket. You buy the dream because you just never know, you may be a big winner. I guess everything is a chance. You just never know.

The 20's

2008-02-20T21:21:00.003-06:00

You know how they called them the "roaring" 20's? Well that is what we are in now. For the 3rd time. The 20's. The awful days from the 20th-29th. See, dad had surgery Nov. 20. Then "it" happened Nov.26 and the "official" end was Nov. 29. Did I mention this before? The first time or the second time? I do not remember. I do not purposely look for the 20's but I somehow can't help but notice them when they are here. This will be the 3rd time. Hopefully the charm. LOL. I laugh to keep from crying.
Good things tho. Mr H had successful surgery at the dreadful hospital of hell. He should be home Friday. We are grateful for this. Mom went to church Sunday for the first time. We are grateful to the loving, compassionate people at church who are always there to hold you up and give a hug. There was a lunar eclipse tonight. It was pretty. The moon was so large and bright tonight. It was lovely. I know it is not really relevant to anything but my name means goddess of the moon. Forgive me I had to find something lighthearted since this blog always seems to send me to tears.Afterall we are in the 20's and need to find something magical to hang on to.

They paved paradise

2008-02-16T18:29:00.003-06:00

My mother seems to cry all the time. It does not matter where or when or who is there. She asked me the other day if I ever cry. Of course I do. But I cry alone. This is the only place anyone ever sees any of my emotions. Here on this blog where I can sit all alone and let my emotions and tears and fears and sadness have full reign. I don't even care if anyone ever reads this, it is just here for me. My time here is my time to let it all out there instead of keeping it all locked up inside. Sometimes I feel I will explode from the weight of it all.
You know how the sadness just hits you out of the blue sometimes. The other morning on the way to work I was singing with the radio, you know the old Joni Mitcell song about they paved paradise and put up a parking lot? I was singing away and then it hit me and I started to cry over the words, "Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got till it's gone?"
I fully knew all my life what I had but still it hurts now that it's gone. My entire life I have dreaded the very thought of losing my father and it is so much harder than my nightmare ever let me fear it would be. It is so very hard. And so I cried. But I also remembered with gladness that every day dad was in the hospital we were there. We kissed him goodbye the day before he was going to come home. We went home thinking that it would all be just fine. We were so anxious for him to get home where we could take care of him. You see I get to this part of the story and it still makes me sick. This is where it all stops for me, when I get to this place. My son cried and cried when everything happened. He said that he had not talked to gramps the night before. That gramps did not know he loved him. How to you comfort your child? I told him the truth. The night before he was there. He sat there with gramps watching TV. He kissed him goodbye. How many 18 year old boys kiss their grandfathers goodbye? Not many. I don't think it helped to ease his pain very much. These are the things that hurt. I know my son's pain is buried deep inside him. He is so much like me. I am sure there are nights and days when it is hard for him still. I pray for peace for him and for all of us. Life is precious. The ones you love are precious. Appreciate them. Because, don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got till it's gone?

A normal day

2008-02-10T10:14:00.000-06:00

Yesterday mom and I went out for lunch and just running around. She did not cry or whine the entire time! Okay, this was a big deal for me. Lately I have been the world's worst daughter. I know my mother is grieving but the grief was getting to be too much. It was like quicksand dragging me down somewhere I was trying to save myself from. The sadness is so over powering that it made it difficult for me to want to even talk to her on the phone much less spend any time with that grief and sorrow. We are all trying to find our way in this time of hurt. My son and I try to face the world with a brave face and tell ourselves it will be okay. For the most part my mother seems like a prisoner to the pain. It can be crushing to those of us trying to live the way my father did. To celebrate life. But yesterday was a good day. It was a normal day. Mom starts grief counceling next week and I think it will help her. I am grateful to any day that is just normal. Any day we can remember dad and smile. Any day we can face the world the way he did, with joy and excitement. Any day we can celebrate life.

One minute on a sad night

2008-02-07T23:32:00.000-06:00

Tonight is one of those nights when I just can't sleep. A blanket of sadness comes over me and I can't rest. Sometimes I wish for one minute when someone would hold me and I did not have to be strong or brave. I could just let go. Really sad thing is the only one who could ever do that for me was my dad.
Somehow when he would hug me all the walls would come down and I could be a scared little girl in her dad's arms knowing I was safe and that everything would be ok. I have built up so many walls over the years to keep from getting hurt. I have the strong wall, the mean wall, the bad *ss wall. Too many walls to count, just to keep the pain out. The death of your father does not know what a wall is. Walls don't stop that kind of pain. I wish they did.
Tonight I cry for my loss. I cry when I think of the last time I saw my dad in that horrible hospital in that bed. I had no idea it would be my last time to see him. He was coming home the next day. It is still too much to handle. Even now. I cry to think of the days when he was on the machine and we knew that he really wasn't there. Those days were hard. Nightmare hard. I cry just because I am scared and lonely and I miss him. I cry because during the day I have to be brave and strong but at night in my bed I do not. I cry because I wish for one minute I did not have to be strong or brave ever. Maybe even thirty seconds would be nice.

To Good Health

2008-01-31T16:46:00.000-06:00

Boy, I have been sick for over a month. I have been especially sick the past two weeks. It has been so bad. I have been in bed since Monday afternoon, finally last night I was able to get up for a little while. Today I had a follow up at the doctor and finally have actually been out of bed all day. I have been in so much pain. The fact that the nurse "quacktioner" last week told me it might be the big "C" word was not a high spot for me either. Today the real doctor told me he thought it had been a bladder infection and that I was in so much pain because of inflamation. I am just grateful that the antibiotics finally kicked in and made me start to feel more human. It has been a long, long time since I have done anything as simple as sit in a chair without crying because it hurt so much. So anyday that you can wake up and not feel pain you should rejoice! I have so much more compassion for those who are ill after suffering for a month. I thank God that I am feeling better and pray that those who are seriously ill can get relief from whatever pain they may be feeling. It is miserable to not be able to get out of bed or to eat. Celebrate your health!! Thanks to those who showed genuine concern for me. I love you! Good health to you!

Theatre Family

2008-01-27T10:23:00.000-06:00

Last night my son and I went to the Hawthorne Players 2007 Season Awards Banquet. It was very nice. Ryan has done plays with many theatre groups but this one is his favorite. There are so many good people. The show that won best show of the season was Spoon River Anthology. Four actors played 64 parts. It was such a beautiful show. Ryan played 19 different characters and was so very proud of how this show turned out. It was the last show that Gramps saw him in.
At the beginning of the awards presentation Ray Shea, president of the group, said a few words about people with the group who had died and was kind enough to mention dad and how moving dad's memorial service was. I bit my lip hard to keep from crying. Such a lovely thing to include dad in the evening. Everyone knows how proud Gramps was of Ryan. He never missed a performance. He enjoyed helping out when needed with sets and ushering and just watching as a proud grandfather. I will never forget the first night of this show when looking at the program seeing that Ryan dedicated this performance to his biggest fans Grams, Gramps and I my father just sat there and cried. He was so proud. And so it meant so much to us for Ray to say a few kind words about dad on a night celebrating theatre.
Ray was so special during the time with dad. Once I emailed him about it and told him Ryan needed some emotional support he sent the word out to Ryan's theatre family. It astounds me to this day how much love was showered on my son and I. It was true heart felt love without any limits. There were emails and so much support, many attended the memorial service. Even now I tear up to think about how kind these people are. Last night we got many hugs and people telling us how happy there were to see us. It was heartwarming and comforting, it was like coming home.

Phone calls & memories

2008-01-25T10:38:00.000-06:00

Mom has been so brave lately, but she has also been falling apart. She can't seem to shake the image of dad dying. She was there. He looked at her, said I am dying then literally died in her arms. It is a nightmare that she cannot get out of her head. I don't know what to do to ease her horrible memories. There is only so much I can do from work. I tell her to get out of the house because his memory is everywhere. Maybe when it is warmer it will be easier for her to get out. I wish she had some friends she could call and hang out with during the day.
Phone calls are a life line to her. I must thank everyone who calls her. You have no idea how much those calls mean to her. They keep her grounded. Even when you only call to say hi it can make such a huge impact on her day. Those few moments can help her get through a bad morning. They give her something to focus on. A few minutes of contact with someone who cares when her world seems to be spinning out of control.
So thank you from the bottom of my heart for those precious calls. I have been meaning to thank you for a long time and have never found the time. Today was a bad day for mom, I hope you were able to give her a call. Special thanks to the angels-you know who you are!

Tuesday just Tuesday

2008-01-22T13:50:00.000-06:00

I know it is not all about me but to start, I went to the doctor today because I have not been feeling very good since the day we were supposed to see the lawyer in December and I got so sick. Saw nurse practitioner today, urine tests were all wonky so I have to take pills for 7 days and go back in 10 days for another test. She said it could be nothing, something not too serious, all the way up to bladder cancer! Now why would you tell someone that? She got my attention for sure. I will take all my pills and make follow up visit but still, odd to me that you would tell someone that right off the bat. She asked me if I was okay and said that one time she told a patient that and that for 10 days that is all the patient could think about. Well, do ya think!?!? That is like telling someone to go for a drive in the car saying, Now you may wind up in a beautiful location, you may have a flat tire, or you may crash. Now have fun! Come back in 10 days~
Yesterday mom met with the lawyer. She liked him. I was sick so did not go. (Thanks Mrs H for once again spreading those angel wings and helping out. I love you being in our family and surrounding us with your love. We could not do this without you. Hope Mr H will be well soon.) Lawyer agrees something went wrong. He said it might take a while to settle but we do not care we want to pursue it no matter what. This should never happen to anyone else. There has to be responsibility and accountability and the patient has to be treated as an individual not as separate body parts. So right now he will wait to get all the medical records. That could take up to a month. We still have not heard a word about autopsy so at least we will have an answer on that when lawyer gets the records! Somehow makes it a little easier knowing that the first step has been taken, that someone feels the same way we do.
Guess that is about it for right now. Mom is doing little things that amaze me. It all takes time but she is trying new things every day and making little changes and I am proud of her. Thanks for reading~ take care.

Missing my dad

2008-01-15T19:22:00.000-06:00

I miss my dad. I even said it out loud tonight when I drove my son to his play rehearsal. It was hard to say it out loud, to hear the actual words. But man oh man I miss him so much. I miss him to the furthest part of my very soul. I close my eyes and I see him. I hear him calling me telling me that he will pick my son up from play rehearsal. I can hear him even without my special "happy birthday" voice mail message. I don't need that voice mail to hear my dad, I can hear him so clearly all the time. Sometimes it all hurts worse now than I thought it would. People keep saying it will take time, that it will get better, but they are liars. Someone had told me that there would be days when it was better and then days when is was worse then before....yep that person told me the truth. Odd how some days are so much harder than others and for no real reason either. I guess tonight it is just because dad always either tag teamed with me on rehearsals where I would drop off and he would pick up, or he just did all the driving. My dad adored my son so much. He was so proud of him. I know that my son is suffering so much now too, but he is trying to be the man of the family. It is hard for him. He is such a good boy. I always thanked God for such a good boy but now, even more, I am grateful that I have such a caring, honorable, loving young man to call my son. I think he got all of that from his Gramps.

Feeling blah

2008-01-14T16:09:00.000-06:00

I have been sick since Saturday. Saturday was the worst. I really thought I was going to go insane from feeling so bad. Today is Monday. I stayed home from work because I still feel rotten and not fully me from not eating. I do feel better, certainly better than Saturday. Wow that was a bad day. I seriously gave thought to going to the hosptial but I really don't want to go there. I don't have to explain that one. When you feel bad physically the whole world is just off. It is dark and dreary and you cannot even remember ever feeling well. Nothing sounds good; not chocolate or cake or even Disney. I guess it is like depression of the soul only it is depression of the body. I am not going to put my feeling bad on dad or depression. I just want to feel better because this stinks.

My dad wishes me a pleasant day every day

2008-01-10T13:05:00.001-06:00

I have a secret. My dad talks to me every day. No really. He wishes me happy birthday and tells me to have a pleasant day. Now Mrs. H before you call the loony bin to take me away, I guess I should explain that dad talks to me from my voice mail at work.
On my birthday 5 years ago or so, dad left me a message and I never erased it.
So now, when I want to hear him I play it. He says, "Hello Cindy, and a happy birthday to you. I hope you have a pleasant day." Now isn't that about the coolest thing?!? Well, it is to me!! Depending on the day it can make me smile or make me cry. It is my secret message from my dad just to me. So I am sending this wish to you that you have a pleasant day today and every day.

Money can't buy happiness?

2008-01-09T15:22:00.000-06:00

Whoever said money can't buy happiness just does not know how to spend their money! I say travel with that money, or go to a nice dinner, or better yet pay your bills!! That can bring more than happiness, it can bring security. This is where we sit right now. Looking for security. My mom is scared about how she is supposed to pay her bills. And who can blame her. She will be getting $1,500 a month LESS than when dad was alive! That is a huge amount of money. The difference between paying your bills and selling your house. But even with selling the house you would have to live somewhere. It is a nightmare. What are we going to do? I am at a loss as to what to do about this one. God knows my job does not pay me enough to pay my bills let alone mom's. I would always go to mom and dad to help bail me out so I am afraid as well. This one has me shaking. All we can do is pray. This is the time dad would tell us not to worry, that everything is going to be okay. Maybe if we are really quiet we will hear him tell us this now.

2008

2008-01-05T09:52:00.000-06:00

2008. What can I say? It is a new year.
I went back to work Jan. 2 it has gone better than I thought. There are people there who are kind. Dad worked there for 10 years so a lot of folks knew him. It has been comforting to get hugs and kind words there. I am grateful. I do feel sorry for the poor unsuspecting that come in my office and tell me they are sorry and ask if dad had been sick. They are then trapped like deer in the headlights as I tell them the story of how the hospital, in essence, killed my father. I will try not to do that so much in the future but I want people to know the true story and not think that dad was sick or gave up or anything. He was ready to come home.

Mom has been trying so hard to put one foot in front of the other. She has bad days but Thursday she went to the grocery store and Friday to the post office. These are huge steps for her to take. My dad did EVERYTHING for all of us. He went to the grocery store every day. Sometimes twice a day. So for mom to go, and to use her brand new debit card, took a lot of courage on her part. I cannot make light of something that is so far out of her comfort level. Me going to the store or movies or work alone is something I have been doing for years. But I think I remember how scary it was when I first had to do it. First lived on my own. But after a while you get a handle on it. It is such an enormous effort to just try. She could be hiding in bed all day, although I assure you I would never allow that to happen, but she gets up and tries to go on. As do we all. Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is get out of bed.

End of December, end to a lot of things

2007-12-28T16:05:00.000-06:00

Mom has had a really hard past few days. I am not sure if it is the let down after Christmas that has contributed to her bad days. She has been crying more than usual. I have been trying to give her more "alone" time because I need to go back to work. It it hard for me to do that to her, leave her alone like this, but I know she has to get used to time alone. The other day it was warm and spring like. I told her that maybe come spring we will be stronger. Me, I pretend that dad is in Florida with my grandma. Sometimes that works for me. Not always. But I have to play tricks on myself like that in order to stay strong.
So the year is ending in a few days. Who would have thought that it was going to end like this? Not me. But as one year ends another begins. Now instead of facing a new year with hope I mostly face it with fear. Fear of what the year holds. My new year's resolution is to find the hope and find the faith. Hold my hand. I may need you. Y

Merry Christmas

2007-12-25T18:43:00.000-06:00

Merry Christmas to anyone who is out there.
And to my dad, thanks for everything. Everytime I see a bell I ring it so I know you have your wings. I love you.You are with me every moment.

The Eve of Christmas Eve

2007-12-23T19:24:00.000-06:00

I must confess that I am happy it is the Christmas season. People say to me it must be so hard having this happen at this time of year. No, it is comforting for it to be now. People are kinder. That will end soon enough and all will be back to the "norm". But for a few weeks people see the world through the eyes of a child and everything seems a little more gentle. I will be sorry to see the Christmas season end. The lights and bustle of the holiday have been a good distraction from reality. In a few days we will start a new year. And it will be a year like none I have known in my life. It will be my first year without my dad. That is scary and sad and horrible. It is new and I for one do not like change of any kind. I will pray for a change that we can live with.

Oh, in case I do not wander back here before Christmas I want to send you a wish. It is hard for me to write on here, but it is the one place I can put my tears. I do not know if I will write more in the next few days. I hope you understand. But~
For anyone who is reading this, I wish you a wonderful Christmas filled with love and family. Please hug those who are dear to you and tell them you love them. You will never regret that, trust me. If I could hug my daddy one more time it would mean the entire world to me. The last time my dad saw me was the night before he was supposed to come home from the hospital. I kissed him goodbye when I left. If only I had known that was the last time what would I have done? I do not regret kissing him goodbye. It was the last time, the last chance. Please be sure to tell the ones you love that you do indeed love them. You will never be sorry. I promise. Christmas blessings to you~

Disappointment in me

2007-12-20T20:10:00.001-06:00

Well, today stunk. About an hour before we were to leave for the lawyer, the moment we have been waiting for for weeks, I got sick. Mom says everything just caught up with me. I am not sure if that is true or not. But whatever hit me did not let me hit it back. I am so disappointed. I feel like I have let everyone down. I was so sick I had to go to bed. I will spare you the details, I can hear you thanking me for that, but I was in such pain and just too sick to get up. Whether it was stress and distress catching up to me or my terrible eating habits this month I am not sure. I just feel like I am falling apart. Physically, mentally, spiritually. I am sorry for letting everyone one down. Especially for letting dad down. I need to be able to stand up to anything. My wise Australian brother told me to just fall apart for as many days as I need to. I am not sure if I can afford to do that. But I can atleast take tonight to do that.
So now we will call the lawyer and schedule an appt when he is back in town Jan. 7. He has gone out of town for Christmas. In putting things in their proper place he probably would not have been able to devote any time to our cause anyway, but still I am sorry I let people down. Mom did not want to go without me.
On the positive side, Mom did call me when I was sleeping and asked me if I wanted her to pick up my son from school. So she and the dog did venture out on their own today for the first time. I am proud of her for that. It may be a small step but all journeys start with a single step. Good job!

The Devil is in the Details

2007-12-20T10:11:00.000-06:00

Today mom is having a hard day. I know they are all hard, but some are harder. She called me this morning crying and saying she was scared. I never know what to do. I went down there of course, but what do you say? What do you do? I keep remembering that God is in the silence, so I hug her and I just sit. Is there something else I should be doing? Am I doing enough?
I have taken off of work for weeks. I had the time and was lucky enough to have a boss with compassion and an HR director with the same. That has been a huge comfort to me to not have to defend my actions, but rather have people who care about me. Really care, not fake "words".
I had questioned my taking off until yesterday when mom looked at me in the car and said, "I am glad you are here." Then this morning. So I know I have made the right choice in staying home. When the new year comes we will just have to take it one day at a time.
Today we have an appointment with a lawyer. We do not know what to expect. It will be a relief to hand the details over to someone else and maybe finally get them out of our heads. That can mess with your whole life, living the details over and over and over again. Hopefully this will put an end to some of those episodes, I know not all of them, but some of them maybe.
Today will be so very hard. If anyone is out there reading this, extra prayers today would be really welcome. It will be hard to sit down and tell it all out loud. But it must be done. Maybe we should have asked someone to go with us. I guess that might have been a good idea. A little late in the good idea department though. We will be brave.

Take a deep breath girl, this is one more heartbreaking hurdle but you can do it.

Not All Days Are Bad....But They Aren't Good Either

2007-12-18T10:33:00.001-06:00

Today is Tuesday. Nothing too special about today. I somehow just can't get myself up and going today. I did not see mom much yesterday because, I am ashamed to say, I did not have the strength. It takes the air out of me to be with her sometimes. I think there are times I look at her and think she could burst into a cloud of dust and blow away. She is still suffering so. I think my defense tactic is to pretend it is all a nightmare. The times when the reality hits me is too much. I want to just stay in bed and pretend that the world is the same as it was before dad entered the hospital. That he is still down the street sitting on the couch reading the paper. I look out my back window down into his yard fully expecting to see him out puttering...those are the moments that hurt...when I realize I will never see him down there again.....

I am going to get moving now. Pick up my son from school at noon and take him and mom out for lunch. Put one foot in front of the other and go on for today. Maybe there will be a few minutes when I don't think about all that has happened and the horrible reality of what went wrong. I only ask for a few minutes of peace at a time. I don't even need a whole day right now. I would be happy with a few minutes. Stay strong.

Random thoughts on a snowy day

2007-12-15T12:35:00.000-06:00

It is snowy and cloudy and cold.....so I just have some random thoughts about some things that I have been meaning to post here.

The other night mom and I went to a dinner theatre where my son was performing. It was a take on the 12 Days of Christmas and it really was cute. The entire cast is just 3 guys, the restaurant was cozy and intimate the show is funny...we had a nice evening inspite of how gloomy we have been feeling....but there are some really important things that happened that night that I want to share.

Mom and I were seated at a table with 2 other family members of the cast.....the wife of one man and the mom of the girl that put it all together.....mom and I were feeling sad with the loss of dad so recent and us seeing a performance of my son without dad...something that is really odd.

The following two things struck me as really important moments of the evening.

1. We got to know each other at the table a little bit....we told them about dad....in the course of the evening we found out that the one woman's sister has terminal ovarian cancer.....the other woman's brother was the first victim of the Washington DC sniper......we were all grieving in our own silent ways.....but yet we toasted the fact that we were out and trying to enjoy the holiday, we were surviving. It was good to share with others who know all about pain. But had we not talked and had just been sitting there....none of us would have known what was in the heart and mind of the others. You just never know.

2. The other thing that touched me was a young girl.... At the start of the night we had to write down our names and our favorite Christmas gift....there was going to be a drawing at the end of the evening.....it was supposed to be a random draw out of a hat, but don't tell anyone... it was rigged that night....because this young girl of around 12 years old was there with her dad just the two of them and she had written on her paper what her best Christmas gift ever was ..."the powers that be" were so touched by what she had written that the "random" draw winning name was hers.

It brought tears to my eyes when they read what her favorite Christmas gift ever was.

Because that little girl realized what a perfect gift she had....she had written her best Christmas present ever was.
Dinner out with her amazing dad.

My Dad

2007-12-13T08:55:00.001-06:00

Taking Care of Business

2007-12-13T08:22:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I took mom to the bank to take care of some business....putting my name on accounts and making sure she had money in the bank. Losing a husband means losing some financial security as well. Instead of receiving 2 social security checks each month she will now receive only 1. She will get dad's because his was the larger of the 2 but how is this fair? How do you lose so much of your monthly income? You lose your husband and your sense of security in more ways than one. It just does not seem right to me. But then nothing seems right at the moment.
It was hard for mom to go in and tell the people at the bank that dad had died. But she did really good. She only cried a little bit.....but I know it was very, very hard for her.
After that we went to lunch and then home. That was about all we could take for the day. But it was something that needed to be taken care of so I am proud of mom for taking this big step.

THE HOLIDAY SANTA CHRISTMAS MOVIES

2007-12-09T18:13:00.000-06:00

I am my father's daughter....I LOVE Christmas movies just the way he did....I don't care how silly they are....I love them.....if it has Holiday or Christmas or Santa in the title I am there. I can sit all day long and watch one movie after the other.....I can watch 2 movies at once switching back and forth between them....I can watch one then watch the repeat of it that airs directly after it....I am a sucker for a holiday movie. When dad was in the hospital he and I both watched White Christmas both times it was on.....and could not wait for the new holiday movies to come so we could watch them. My dad was a softie....he could cry at anything....did you know that? Tough on the outside but all mushy inside.

I do not understand how in every single holiday movie....in the end there is ALWAYS a a love connection.....a romance......an engagement.....a happily ever after. What is up with that???? How about those of us without a relationship? Are we supposed to think our lives stink because it is Christmas and we are alone? Are we supposed to believe that we will wake up Christmas morning and fall in love with the millionaire who just happens to be delivering newspapers that day??? I am feeling a little bah humbug about this right now. It never really bothered me before. I guess maybe it is just because I am sad and not feeling much like there is a Christmas miracle out there...but I can't help but smile and cry with every Christmas movie I watch and wish my dad were here.......

Oh, well here it is....you see I intended this to be my commentary on these movies and their unrealistic fairy tale endings but instead find myself sitting here crying and crying and in such terrible pain....see....that is how this thing works....you just never know when it will hit you.....you go along feeling strong.....and then WHAM the ugly, horrible reality of it all hits you right in the soul. Well, that is just not fair. It is not fair at all. I miss him so much. Why can't life be like a Christmas movie? Why can't I wake up and find that this was just an awful dream?

Welcome to the Grand Illusion

2007-12-09T13:19:00.000-06:00

"How are you doing?"
Such a simple question. We ask it several times a day to everyone we meet. Friends, strangers...."How are you doing?" We don't really want to hear the answer do we? We just wait for the standard reply of "Fine, How are you?" God forbid someone should really stop and tell us how they are really doing.......Well, Mom is having a bad day, I am wondering if I can hold my family together, we are all wondering how to take care of the car and house and how we are ever going to pay the bills. Sit down and let me tell you how I am doing..... My mom spent all day today crying....she is falling apart.....it is so hard for her to be brave....she feels like they killed the man she has loved her entire life.....the man who said good morning to her for 54 years is gone....Nope....you cannot handle that one.......Okay, my son is trying to be brave when the only man he has ever known as a father was taken from him, his biggest fan will not see him in another show.....this 18 year old son of mine took the time to comb his gramps hair before he was taken off of a machine because my dad hated to have messy hair.....do you want to hear how he is doing today? No you cannot handle that.....None of us can. And I cannot bear to tell you how I am doing....it would be too much for both of us.

This is my life right now.....people asking me how I am doing. It is a hard time for me. No one gives you lessons on how to behave when your life is changed. How you are going to feel...
I put on the brave face. Become the "Master of Illusion". Fine...I am fine. Okay, if I need something I will call you. Yep one day at a time, one minute at a time, one moment at a time, one breath at a time. See me smile? See me laugh? See me hold it all together? That is what we want to see isn't it? The magic act of smoke and mirrors. The grand illusion of someone getting on with their life. We both want to see someone who is fine....It is too scary to see someone falling apart.....so welcome to my grand illusion where everything is fine.

I think of my loss and how heavy it is but then I remember I have dear friends who have lost children. I know I am suffering the loss of my beloved father...but the loss of a child? That is the unkindest cut of all. The mothers of these lost children are quietly spiritual, strong, kind. I am inspired by them to try to go on with grace. I lean heavily on them to try to learn how they woke up each morning and had the strength to go on. They have told me "Be gentle with yourself".

I want to thank those who keep emailing or calling or sending cards. Especially to my mom. It means so much. To just call to say hi can make her feel like she is not alone. Thank you for sitting with her and just letting her be. God is in the silence then too. She may not be fine now, she does not even pretend to be fine. But with time she will get there.

Day by day I am taking the steps to the new normal....I will tell you that I am fine....and in a way....maybe for one brief moment.....I will be telling you the truth,

But for now in answer to your question "How are you doing?" Well my answer to you is this, "I am being gentle with myself, thank you for asking."

Be kind~ Smokey's Daughter

MORNING HAS BROKEN

2007-12-07T11:32:00.000-06:00

I wake up in the mornings and try to remember....what was it I needed to remember this morning....it was something important...something that has changed my life...oh yea....my dad....

On Thursday, November 29, 2007 my father died. Well that is what the death certificate says anyway. We all know he died Monday. You can tell. No matter what machines and doctors try to make you believe, you know in your soul when someone you love is gone. Sitting in a room with someone you love hooked up to machines for no reason other than doctors like to try to play God is a very unsettling feeling. It is hard....No, I won't lie to you... it is not hard... it is impossible.

Welcome to my blog....can you feel the joy???

During the time my dad was in the hospital it helped me to get through it all by emailing updates to family and friends. It helped me to share with people I love just how hard it all was for us. I promised everyone I would stop emailing them now that there is nothing to update....but I thought this was the way for me to continue writing but not burden those who did not ask for me to bombard their emails with my words.

I won't go into the details of my dad's death (cardiac tamponade) because quite frankly if I have to tell it one more time I may just scream.....(Although that might be good...at the memorial service I thought going outside for primal screaming would be a really good end to the service.)

Let's just say that I am 50 something and I am an only child who grew up ADORING my dad. I am now..that age I sort of mentioned... and I am a single mom with an only child....and a mom who after 54 years of being worshipped now finds herself alone. Where there once was 4 there are now 3. The head and the heart are missing from my little family...I am scared and sad....I am still a full blown daddy's girl and I am just trying to find my way.....